grizzlyboom: a journal of a polynapping fledgling lojbanist

Batch Baiting Message #2

2010-10-29T23:44:00.001-04:00

I'm trying out a technique I got from the 419eater forums here: http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=177125

I got the big list of fresh scammers' addies, and sent out the initial ASEMish script message in the vein of "I'm interested. Could you tell me more?"

Waited a day, then sent out the next message in the script:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 11:37 PM
Subject: I'm interested
To: many many scammers

I've got some cash lying around that can stand to get off its fat ass and do me some work. But not enough. Ain't that always life?

I think I'll go along with this. First, I gotta have some proof that it's real. No offense, but I don't want to sink a few hundos into, say, Islamic-Friendly Bacon. That stung, bad. You and I gotta be sure we're going to get rich, or it's not worth the bother for the either.

Since I gotta trust you, I'm going to put some of my info you may want. No biggie. Just so you can get a better idea of what I am and who I am.

Name: Ramses Luther Smuckles
Address: 11 Via Verde, Achewood Court, CA, 90714 USA
mobile #: (xxx) xxx xxxx
Age: 36
DOB: 4/1/1974
Marital status: divorced
Occupation: brawler

That shit is like poetry. It sings in my ear holes. Need any more info, just ask. I'm not gonna go around describing which way my dick is hanging, but I won't keep it a secret if people have to know this.

Peace, love, and kumquats,
--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Fwd: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO

2010-10-29T23:19:00.001-04:00

"I love the sound of deadlines whooshing past"- Douglas Adams (PBUH)

From: olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 2:41 PM
Subject: Re: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO
To:xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Cc: barr_williams_ass.chamber2000@yahoo.co.uk

Dear Mr. Tom,

Thanks for the detail informations of your contact and will submit tomorrow to the security finance company for onward processing of all relevant of the transfer clearance documents on your name but one thing lest is your passport photo so please send it again because the attachment of your driver's license did not show on the mail maybe you forgot to include to attach to me so please hasten to resend the driver's license to enable me submit all your informations at the same time tomorrow morning thanks and wishing you all the best in life to keep this issue very confidential.

Please always send your replies direct to my private mail box at barr_williams_ass.chamber2000@yahoo.co.uk or barrestarwilliams_tg2000@yahoo.com for more security reasons thanks.

My regards to you.
Barr. Prince Williams Koffi Esq.
Tel.+228-0137830

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
To: olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com>

Sent: Fri, October 29, 2010 5:58:14 PM

Subject: Re: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO

Name: Tom Stockton Delays
Address: 11 Via Verde, Apt #B, 3467 sani-lot #45B, Achewood Courts, 90714 CA USA
Mobile #: (424) 704-3468
Occupation: Organ-grinder Accountant
Sex: Male
Married Status: Widower
Children: 10 illegitimate sons
Bank: National Bank of Blues
Bank Acct # 02289845 45 6

Attached is a scan of my driver's license, passport, SIDS, high school transcript, receipts from the past 30 deposits I have made, and a photo of myself on stage at Prague

On Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 11:20 AM, olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com> wrote:

Dear Tom.

thanks for your reply well appreciated.

well, since you can assist please send me your contact informations and banking informations with which i will send to the finance security company to enable them prcoess to obtain all transfer clearance document on your name for easy making of transfer of funds to your account, please if possible you can call me so that we discuss briefly thanks and be blessed.

regards.

Barr. Williams

Tel.+228-0137830

From: xxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
To: olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com>
Cc: barrestarwilliams_tg2000@yahoo.com; ndeyoung2002@yahoo.com
Sent: Fri, October 29, 2010 5:06:54 PM
Subject: Re: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO

I'm certainly as interested as a man could be. COuld you tell me more?

On Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 8:01 AM, olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com> wrote:

Dear Sir/Madam,

Am so much glad to contact you, and also reading your informations from a business friend in India who has intimated your contact as a relaible and trust-worthy person to me, Infact , am also glad to find your email id accordingly and I do strongly beleive that my coming accross to know you will never bring any default,shame or become a stepping failured stone to ruin my life and carrier as I have planed and made up all my best and suitable mind and arrangements to quit out from my Dad who's one of the top Ruling Ministers here in my country Lome -Togo, please kindly note first that, I am the first true son of my Father Hon. Dr. Williams Awosely Koffi. Esq.

Then I am his first son and a barrester by profession, and am also a prince but this does not matters to our busines engagement anymore, then all I want is to live on my own and become what I should be in life as a complete full man, so due to the much pampers and coverages and back ups which I have been having from my Dad so long, and due to his position in the government no matter he is today one of the special adviser to our present president but to me all this I personaly do not cherrish them in life rather than to build up my own life suitable for me.

So, I have planed to leave my country and find a suitable country through which I will make my ultmost investment of my own, also a suitable place for my steady living with my own family if possible and there i will make up things by my self, so with this direct connection with you, this only made me and even gave me much assurance to entrust these my planed of business into your hand so that my coming out to your cuntry I will find a better place to make my investment of $5.0 Million Dollars,

So note please, this amount I have already made the arrangement with my father's security finance bank, now I only need your contact and account informations through which the security finance bank will wire these amount to and for my safety use in your country, so please confirm if you can assist me making this investment successfully, and if yes please do not delay further to send me your account informatins and name of beneficiary through which these funds will be wired to, then I have agreed to settle with you as soon as I come over to your place atleast 15% preferablly out of the total sum to be transfered to your account please confirm.

Also note that I want us to complete these issue within a short period of time so that before my Father will start askig of me he will by then notice that am already in your country doing my business, then you dont need to fear about this business because myself I will cover you and protect your interest but I knew once I succedded on this plan my Father will appreciate it all seeing me doing very well with the money insteady of keeping eyes on him everyday thanks and hope you will find this details very usefull and interesting waitting for your answers soon.

Yours regards.

Barr. Williams Brooksman A. Koffi Esq.

Tel.+228-0137830
Alternative Emails: barrestarwilliams_tg2000@yahoo.com
ndeyoung2002@yahoo.com

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Re: ASSIST ME

2010-10-29T12:06:00.001-04:00

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 12:03 PM
Subject: Re: ASSIST ME
To: Mrs rebecca Garang <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com>

I do not understand. You didn't ask me anything. I read your plight, and my heart was moved out of Christian goodness to help you. You queried if I could assist, but didn't say anything about what it was about.

It appears you do not need any assistance, thank the Lord. I'm glad that even after all this suffering you are healthy, not suffering any financial difficulties, and enjoying yourself.

Please, once again, thank the Lord that you are in perfect condition and if I may offer my aids to you you are welcome to it.

On Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 11:57 AM, Mrs rebecca Garang <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com> wrote:

go want to assist me or not, because i know why i am asking you

--- On Thu, 10/28/10, xxxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com> wrote:

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: ASSIST ME
To: "MRS REBECCA GARANG" <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com>
Date: Thursday, October 28, 2010, 5:07 AM

How may I assist you?

On Sat, Oct 23, 2010 at 4:51 PM, MRS REBECCA GARANG <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com> wrote:

From Mrs Rebecca Garang .

Greetings!
It is a good pleasure for me today to contact you for your humble assistance.My name is Mrs. Rebecca Garang the widow of late Dr. John Garang who was until his death the vice president of Sudan in Africa. In brief, my late husband was a strong opposition to the incumbent government and for over 22yrs he has indefatigably fought for the liberation of the Sudanese until he was appointed the vice president on the 9th of July 2005 following the cease fire agreement that was signed on the 6th of January 2005.
A decision welcomed by the International Community as an avenue to quench the decades of civil war in Sudan. He died on the 31st of July 2005 following a helicopter crash alongside with 12 others just 22days after his appointment as the vice president. What led to the helicopter crash is still unclear but I know that my husband was the target.

I am a religious person and had always seek for God's direction in all my endeavours.I have a problem I believe you will be of great assistance. Please kindly reply me as quickly as possible to enable me explain things in details to you.
Thanks and Remain blessed.

Yours sincerely

Mrs. Rebecca Garang

________________________________________________________________
Interone Internet - Assine já - 49 3323.6688

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Mobile #: (424) 704-3468

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays
Mobile #: (424) 704-3468

Fwd: Western union infos SMTP Inbox Webmail and email links for sale

2010-10-28T22:28:00.001-04:00

Ha. It bounced. Too bad.

From: xxxxxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 10:27 PM
Subject: Re: Western union infos SMTP Inbox Webmail and email links for sale
To: spamzey5@web.de

Gee. You must be, as the kids say, l33t.

Listen. My bogophonic multiplexing factory pattern is PEBKAC'ing all over the bit bucket. I gotta drain that bitch before it leaks magnetic monopoles all over the core. You know how it is: no one wants a hydra invading his firewall. Next thing you know, you got people hacking your Gibson. And that Gibson, he don't want to be hacked by no one.

What I'm saying is, I need someone to get me a copy of Battletoads. I don't care how expensive it is. I can count on your technological sophistication.

Y0ur5 in 0-d4y 1337n355
R4|\/|535 5|\/|UCK135

2010/10/28 HACKERS ONLINE <spamzey5@web.de>

We hack admin offices,Western union database another receivers name.Smtp and webmail inbox.

Email Links,Track 1 and 2 Cvv2 and employment Logins.Ticket online and Europe Visa Hotel Invitation by Bank login.

if you are interested please buzz me on my yahoo id for Yahoo Chat at {uaedealerz}

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Deceased Relative / Client. !: Scott Adams tries to back out of our transaction

2010-10-28T13:27:00.001-04:00

He suspects that I am a joker. I must slap him a bit.

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 1:23 PM
Subject: Re: Deceased Relative / Client. !
To: Mr Adams Scott <adamsscott@acerconsultants-uk.com>

Wait a goddamned minute. Uncle Culpepper's middle name was Fred. Uncle Culpepper Fred Smuckles.

Are you trying to cheat me out of my inheritance? I can sue your ass in Internet Court, you little shit.

Now I demand that you send me a scan of his death certificate. If my dear uncle is actually dead, I want to know. I haven't been able to get in touch with him on the phone, but he's an old man.

Listen. Cunt. You will send me the death certificate of my uncle if you indeed have one, or so help me God I will litigate.

Note that if you have the wrong Fred Smuckles, I don't mean this personally. I am just very concerned regarding the health of my family, even those in distant lands.

Note that if you have the right Fred Smuckles, I will hunt you down.

Call me immediately on my mobile number upon sending me the death certificate.

On Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 12:37 PM, Mr Adams Scott <adamsscott@acerconsultants-uk.com> wrote:

Dear Ramses Smuckles,

Thank you for your response to the inquiries. I take it by your response that you have no explicit knowledge of the subject. The fellow with the previously referred description: Mr. Frederick Smuckles died intestate and nominated no next of kin after having made substantial investments with Royal Bank of Scotland PLC. Standard procedure dictates that we seek out and exhaust all channels to find any one related to inherit the title that his estate may pass on.
From what I see, we have not been successful. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Thank you for your kind understanding.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd
For: Royal Bank of Scotland.
364 Windbridge,London Uk.

Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2010 14:14:25 -0400
Subject: Re: Deceased Relative / Client. !
From: xxxxx@gmail.com
To: adamsscott@acerconsultants-uk.com

I love your cartoon. My, Dogbert gets me every time!

Yes, I do have a dead relative who lived in Zurich. Old Uncle Culpepper. He was a mighty man, steeped in southern charm and mint julep. Tell me he is not dead! Oh dear.

If it is indeed Uncle Culpepper Smuckles, I assure you I can provide mountains of photographs and such of us taking an iced tea together on the porch, inhaling the cool scent of honeysuckle while the gentle sounds of cottonpickers flow to us in the languid breeze of Louisiana. I also have several of his letters. Would this constitute sufficient proof?

2010/10/27 Mr Adams Scott <info@acerconsultants-uk.com>
From: Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd.

This is a confidential message from ACER Consultants: private consulting firm in London, United Kingdom.

I have been directed to contact you with regards to ongoing investigations involving a deceased client of Royal Bank of Scotland. The client, who shared the same last name with you, died intestate so it is standard and mandatory that a next of kin be sought who may inherit the estate. Kindly clarify the following:

- Are you aware of any relative of yours whose last known contact address was Zurich, Switzerland, with investments of considerable value with Royal Bank of Scotland?

- If you answered yes to the above then can you establish beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin to the deceased?

Understand that we are at this point contstained to share more details of this matter with you. We will need to hear from you urgently and hope you can assist us in bringing this inquiry to a conclusion.Please respond to my private email below as soon as possible to afford us the opportunity to close this investigation. Thank you for accommodating our enquiries.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd
For: Royal Bank of Scotland.
364 Windbridge,London Uk.
Email: mradams_scott@consultant.com
Tel/fax: 00-44-7005-921-477

------------------------------------------------------------------------
This e-mail is confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual(s) to whom it is addressed. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that you have received this e-mail in error and that any use, dissemination, forwarding, printing, copying of, or any action taken in reliance upon it, is strictly prohibited and may be illegal.

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Re: Funds Transfer/Change of ownership

2010-10-28T12:27:00.001-04:00

I discombobulated the dear Scotsman so much with my request that he momentarily lapsed into Nigerian semi-literacy.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Mr Frank From Royal Bank <royalbnk741@hotmail.co.uk>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 11:56 AM
Subject: Funds Transfer/Change of ownership
To:xxxxx@xxxxxx.com

Thank you for your mail Mr Tom Delays,

In response to your request for my photograph and that of Mrs Hilary weston, Am sorry Its not official to provide you with such information's. My duty is to make sure the funds is safely transfered into your account. secondly, payment should be made before the bank can provide you with the online account, without the change of ownership the bank cannot provide you with any account information, so you are advice to make payment for the change of ownership before we can commence transfer.

Payment cannot be made to Royal Bank of scotland directly, because, the Bank account is for transctions exceeding $1 Million USD. All payment less than $1 million USD should be sent to the Bank P.R.O, Mr Andrea Williams who is appointed to receive foreign payment from customer.

Furthermore, this transaction is between you and the transfer unit of Royal Bank, Mr Andrea Williams is just the bank P.R.O and its not officially connected to this transfer.

Thank you for your Co-operation,

Sincerely,

Mr Frank Moss

Head of Corporate Responsibility
The Royal Bank of Scotland Group
Business House F
Gogarburn
PO Box 1000
Edinburgh
EH12 1HQ
UK
Telephone:
+(44) 702 404 2655

______________________________________________________________

© Bank of Scotland plc 2010. The copyright and material on Bank of Scotland's Internet web site is owned by Bank of Scotland plc and protected by the copyright laws of the United Kingdom

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Maxwell Tapsoba, Owner of the World, wants my help

2010-10-28T11:38:00.001-04:00

This is certainly the hugest amount I've seen a scammer claim to not own. As a manager of a banking institution, he will surely notice that he was a little fuzzy in describing this number and then correct me on the orders of magnitude error I made.

From:xxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 11:33 AM
Subject: Re: My Dear Friend
To: maxwelltapsoba@voila.fr

1. FULL NAME.......... Tom Stockton Delays
2. TELEPHONE NUMBERS...... (424) xxx xxxx
3. YOUR AGE......36
4. YOUR SEX.........male
5. YOUR OCCUPATION........organ-grinder accountant
6. YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY......USA, Achewood
7. YOUR HOME ADDRESS..........11 Via Verde
8. MARITAL STATUS............Widower

Wow. I look forward to acquiring even a tiny fraction of that $10,200,000,000,000. Count in in, my good man, and let us TAKE OVER THE WORLD!

On Sun, Oct 24, 2010 at 9:35 AM, Maxwell Tapsoba <maxswellekong@gmail.com> wrote:

My Dear Friend
I am Mr. Maxwell Tapsoba, address: #205 Ave. Kadiogo Rue de Gounghin Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. Assistant Manager in banking institution, for your kind attention; I will be very glad if you do assist me to relocate a sum of (US$10,200,000.00 Million Dollars) from the fix balance sum of (US$15.3M) in an account here into your personal bank account for the benefit of both of us.

All confirmable legal documents to back up the claims will be obtain legally here, I shall be directing you as it is progressing I don't want this money to go into our Bank recovery account as abandoned fund; I will come over to your country as soon as the fund is transfer successfully into your account. This is 50/50 business deal because of your account and support, also this matter should be a confidential between you and me, delete it if you are not interested.
Upon the receipt of your reply and indication of your capability, I will send to you a draft text of application form to apply for the money and more details, I don't want anyone here in the bank to know my involvement during the process.

PLEASE STATE YOUR INFORMATION BELOW TO KNOW YOUR CAPABILITY OF HANDLING THIS DEAL.

1. FULL NAME..........
2. TELEPHONE NUMBERS.......
3. YOUR AGE......
4. YOUR SEX.........
5. YOUR OCCUPATION........
6. YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY......
7. YOUR HOME ADDRESS..........
8. MARITAL STATUS............

My Regards
Mr Maxwell Tapsoba
Tel:+226 79237654

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Williams Lari excites this foreigner

2010-10-28T11:23:00.001-04:00

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 11:21 AM
Subject: Re: from the royal chambers
To: JOSEPH MORGAN <info.jpmargan_consultancy@yahoo.com.au>, info.africamonetary_union@safe-mail.net

I am certainly enthusiastic. You simply have no idea how often in my childhood I curled up in a fetal position with a bottle of Captain Morgan and imagined receiving consignments of valuables from the depths of the Dark Continent. Afterwards I would clean myself off and tell myself that like a 1980's music video it can only be a dream.

"Or is it?" was the thought that barreled through my brain as I read your message. All those debauched childhood dreams came flowing back like liquid monkeys being poured out of incredible silver-plated barrels. I felt so nostalgic I defecated immediately right where I sat.

Please, tell me more details.

On Sun, Oct 24, 2010 at 4:21 AM, JOSEPH MORGAN <info.jpmargan_consultancy@yahoo.com.au> wrote:

I am Barrister A. Williams Lari (Esq.)., legal consultant to JP Morgan International and the Africa Union bank.

I'm sending you this mail in respect of my late client's son ( Chudi Malik), he is from war torn Republic of Sudan in north Africa. My client was a reputable business man (A Diamond/Gold and Oil Merchant), It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad. Though his sudden death was rather suspected to have been masterminded by his relations and political opponents especially an uncle of his who traveled with him at that time. But God knows the truth!.

Before his death, he deposited two metallic boxes with a security company here in Accra, the capital city of Ghana because of the political unrest (situation) in his country (Sudan), the contents of the two boxes are Diamond/Gold while the second box contain cash $2.7 million USD, for security reasons he told the Security company that the contents of both boxes are his personal and family effects.

The deposit documents are with me as his legal adviser, now his only son, who is the beneficiary is here in my country as a refugee, he came through the assistant of the Africa Union Peace keepers in his country, on a refugee status due to different family problems, political instability in his country and safety of his life too, which has made things very difficult for him at the moment.

I need you to be his guardian and legal appointed beneficiary, to enable the security company release the boxes to you , so that you will get him papers to travel to your country to continue his education while you invest part of the money for his future.

If your response is positive, I will present you to the Security Company as the foreign business partner to my late client and all documentations will be done legally with his son.

We forward to hear from any enthusiastic foreigner.

Regard,

Bar.Williams On behalf of the bank. 00233 285025303 contact me via my official email address info.africamonetary_union@Safe-mail.net

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays
Mobile #: (424) 704-3468

Princess Williams ignores the story of my birth

2010-10-28T10:53:00.001-04:00

Showing no curiosity toward it at all toward the epic situation of my birth, she just sends me an impersonal description.

I will get her birth story, somehow.

From: Princess Williams <princess4silver@yahoo.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 4:20 AM
Subject: I WILL LIKE TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU
To: xxxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>

Dearest One.

I am more than happy in your urgent mail to my email.How was your day today?..Mine a little cold over here in Dakar Senegal.My Name is princess Williams,I am (24) years old, single and never married, 5ft 7 inches Tall, 55kg weight, black hair and brown eyes,i am from Cote d' Ivoire in West Africa and presently i am residing in the camp here in Dakar Senegal as a result of the civil war that was fought in my Country some years ago.
My late father General Donatus Williams was The Former Director Of Cocoa Export In My Country (Cote d' Ivoire) Who is now Dead with my Mother Calaralin Donatus.
It's only Me that is alive now and i managed to make my way to a West African country Senegal where i am living now as a refugee. I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail. Attached here is my picture.Hoping to hear from you soonest.
Yours Forever
MISS PRINCESS WILLIAMS

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.
mobile #: (530) 426-2419

I won the MegaMillions Intertubes Lotto!

2010-10-28T00:58:00.001-04:00

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 12:56 AM
Subject: Re: Official Notification
To: johnfullham1@w.cn

Wow this is amazing! I've never won anything that was to be won! Are you sure I won? This is a miracle. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of the entire universe. This is better than eating a chicken sandwich.

VERIFICATION FORM
NAME: Tom Delays
ADDRESS: 11 Via Verde, Achewood Courts, CA, 90714, USA
COUNTRY: USA
OCCUPATION: Organ-grinder Accountant
AGE: 36
SEX:… Male
PHONE NUMBER: (xxx)xxx xxxx
BATCH NUMBER: SA/10/FE
WINNING NUMBER: 06-09-13-15-40-43-09
TICKET NUMBER: FE08WCSA

On Sat, Oct 23, 2010 at 7:15 AM, Megamillions Lottery Award <johnfullham1@w.cn> wrote:

MEGAMILLIONS LOTTERY PROMOTION
PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT HEADQUARTERS
79 FETTER LANE LONDON
EC4A LAG, UNITED KINGDOM .

CONGRATULATIONS!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

We are pleased to announce your email address as one of the lucky winners in the Free Lotto in the internet game in which email addresses were used. It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy a ticket to enter for the game.

However, your email address was attached to ticket number FE08WCSA with batch number SA/10/FE and the lucky numbers 06-09-13-15-40-43-09, which eventually won the lottery in the six categories of the draws. Therefore you have won a lottery jackpot prize award of $600,000.00usd (Six Hundred Thousand Dollars) and tickets to qualify for our next draws.

Note that this program was largely promoted for the internet users. Megamillions group being one of the largest company in the world and sponsors of lottery games to promote internet users and also to help the needy. SO NO TICKETS WHERE SOLD

To Claim your prize, please contact Dr. John Fullham immediately you receive this message accompanied with your personal details, full name, address, nationality, sex, age, telephone number and your ticket number and batch number for processing and release of your fund. Below is the claim Agent contact information and verification form to fill by you:

Dr. John Fullham
Tel: +447035905364
E-mail:johnfullham1@w.cn
VERIFICATION FORM
NAME:
ADDRESS:
COUNTRY:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:
SEX:…
PHONE NUMBER:
BATCH NUMBER:
WINNING NUMBER:
TICKET NUMBER:

Our winners are assured of the utmost standards of confidentiality, and press anonymity until the end of processing and beyond where they so desire. Be further advised to maintain the strictest level of confidentiality until the end of the proceedings to circumvent problem associated with double claims.

Also You have to bear in mind that your fund has been deposited in a bank and also insured so it cannot be tampered by anybody whosoever, till you receive the Fund in your possession.

NB: You are given 10 days to collect your certificate,and claim your fund, so that your document will be forwarded for payment.

CONGRATULATIONS ONCE MORE!!!!!

At your disposal I remain
Mohammed Islam
(Promotional manager)

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Re: Hello

2010-10-27T22:06:00.003-04:00

From     xxxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
to         princess4silver@yahoo.com
date     Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 10:06 PM
subject     Re: Hello

Top of the day to the bottom of your heart. You warm the cockles of my heart.
My dear vestige of feudalism, my symbolic monument to the age of serfs and plagues, let us talk of Cabbages and Kings.

I have a lot to tell you, and I am sure my pretty little Princess Buttercup Williams will have a lot to tell me as well.

Let's start off with the days of our births.

I was born on a dark and stormy night. Lightning flashed and thunder roared outside while my mother, the dear Abbess Von Vorglewurst, writhed on bloodsoaked sheets. Nine months earlier she had been raped by Lord Chauncey-Dur-Gambolputty. Now she was giving birth to an enormous baby boy. My head being too large to fit through the opening of the womb, the doctor hit her upon the head with the nearest object, a fattened rooster, and then cut me out of my mother's body using a pair of pliers, his teeth, and a common garden trowel. My poor mother did not survive this, but I survived. Less than two hours later, my rapist-father's voivods burst through the door and killed the midwife and my aunts. They tied me into a burlap sack, strapped me to a horse, and then crushed its testicles. The horse fled, terrified, at top speed into the wind and rain and dark.

By morning I was found hundreds of miles away in the wilderness of Bollockshire, Wales.

How was your birth?

On Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 8:49 PM, princess williams <princessxxxy@att.net> wrote:

Hello my dear,
i am writing to you from the bottom of my heart, i found you to be catchy and i thought it will be wise to let you read from me, i would be very grateful if you would respond to me. I shall send you my pictures the moment i read from you with much pleasure that you are having a very nice and a lovely wonderful day without wasting your precious time will like to end and waiting to read from you. Contact me direct to my email for easy and direct communication take care and be safe.
your best regard
miss princess williams

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Re: Funds Transfer/Change of ownership

2010-10-27T20:06:00.002-04:00

* First Name: Tom
* Surname: Delays
* Middle Name: Stockton
* Country: USA
* Residential Address: 11 Via Vera, Achewood, CA, 90714, USA
* Phone Number: 1-757-484-9987
* Mobile Number: My employer issued it, cannot use outside work
(for sms alert)
* Occupation: Organ-grinder Accountant
* Age: 36
* Sex: Male
* Next of Kin: Tom Waits, P.h.D., S.o.H.K.

* Scan Copy of your passport or ID : attached is a scan of my Passport, Driver's License, National ID, SIDS, High School Transcript, and a photo of myself on stage at Prague (The last is just so you can put a face to my name. Could you send me a picture of yourself and Mrs. Weston too?) [note: the "scan" is a 6.8MB file in the magical .jpx format]

I have some questions. Do I pay the transfer fees now, or after I have received the online account informations?

I tried to call you before I left the office, but I kept getting "Danny Boy" played on a loop by what sounded like a toddler squeezing a constipated cat. It must be a bank holiday. Do you have a personal number I can call?

I'm concerned about this Andrea Williams. Who is she? Why am I not paying the Royal Bank of Scotland directly? Come to think of it, why am I not wiring you the money? If I'm going to be sending her money, could you have her email me?

Can I go to your Internet web site and pay through there?

On Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 6:56 PM, Mr Frank From Royal Bank <royalbnk741@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:

Welcome to Royal Bank of Scotland
Good Day Tom Delays,
I am Mr Frank Moss from Royal Bank of Scotland, United Kingdom. We today received a mail from Mrs Hilary Weston to transfer her funds with Royal Bank of scotland to your name, presently she's undergoing a surgery operation in canada. Her instructions is to change the ownership of the funds/account to your name before the Bank can commence transfer of your entitled funds of $5,000.000.00 (Five Million Dollars) to your nominatted bank account.
Furthermore, you are required to send your correct data listed below so I can send it to the Crown court here in the United Kingdom for change of ownership of Mrs Hilary Weston account to your name.
THE BELOW INFORMATION'S ARE REQUIRED:
* First Name:
* Surname:
* Middle Name:
* Country:
* Residential Address:
* Phone Number:
* Mobile Number:
(for sms alert)
* Occupation:
* Age:
* Sex:
* Next of Kin:
* Scan Copy of your passport or ID
As soon as I can get this information's from you, the Bank attorney will represent you in the Crown Court to sign the neccessary documents needed for the change of ownership, Afterwhich you will be provided with an online account informations for you to transfer the funds yourself online to any Bank account in the world, or we can do a Bank to Bank transfer depending which method of transfer you need.
NOTE: The court fees for the change of ownership and documents have to be paid by you before the changes can be made, because the funds is currently on Mrs Hilary Weston Name and we do not have the right to transfer the funds directly to you without change of ownership.
Payment for the change of ownership $320.43 (Three Hundred and Thirty Dollars) should be sent to the P.R.O of Royal Bank of scotland Via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER or MONEY GRAM with the information's below.
Receiver's Name: Andrea Williams (JP)
Receiver's Address : PO Box 1000
                     Edinburgh
                     EH12 1HQ
                    united kingdom
Amount(fee) : $320.43
As soon as payment is made, you are to send to this office the scan copy of the payment receipt as given to you by the WESTERN UNION/MONEY GRAM officials. In Absence of scanner, you are to provide us with the following;
(1) SENDERS FULL NAME(S) :
(2) SENDERS ADDRESS/COUNTRY:
(3) MTCN (money transfer control number):
   (written on the western union receipt)
(4) AMOUNT SENT:
Thank you for your Co-operation,

Sincerely,
Mr Frank Moss
Head of Corporate Responsibility
The Royal Bank of Scotland Group
Business House F
Gogarburn
PO Box 1000
Edinburgh
EH12 1HQ
UK
Telephone:
+(44) 702 404 2655
______________________________________________________________
© Bank of Scotland plc 2010. The copyright and material on Bank of Scotland's Internet web site is owned by Bank of Scotland plc and protected by the copyright laws of the United Kingdom.

--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Collaborative Scambaiting at Posterous

2010-10-27T15:45:00.000-04:00

I've set up http://419baits.posterous.com

If you've got a bait going on, all you have to do is ask me to make you a contributor, and you can bcc your baits directly to the blog. Posterous, unlike Blogspot, restricts posting access by email address, so an accidental cc will only alert the scammer rather than ruin everything by giving him posting access.

Re: Good day,

2010-10-27T14:20:00.001-04:00

Are you sure you have enough gold to meet my needs? I shall need 450kg of 94.5% pure gold dust.

I am actually travelling to Accra next week on business. If you can provide the needed quantities with necessary purity, I will bring along my assayer. I will keep you updated regarding my travel plans.

Waiting your response in hopes of mutual profit and decadent investments,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

2010/10/26 kwame nanas <kwamenanasmail@rediffmail.com>

Good day,

It really an utmost pleasure writing to you.I am Kwame Nana from Ghana.I got
your email after a research from the internet,i went through your profile
and found it really interesting because i believe you are someone i can
collaborate with in my gold business which i wish to expand.

I and my mother are poor gold miners in Ghana.At the present time we have
been able to secure enough gold.Selling the gold here is very cheap as there
are enough gold in Ghana and we are not making enough profit in the
business.It is for this reason that we are in need of a foreign partner who
will assist us in selling this gold outside Ghana so that we would be able
to make more returns from the business.

We will send the gold to you by diplomatic means to your country.On the
other hand,if you would prefer coming over to Ghana,you are highly welcome
because we have enough gold at the moment.If you are willing to partner with
us,kindly send us the information below to the address:
kwamenanasmail@rediffmail.com

1 Your name and address
2 Your phone number

Thanks and God bless,
Kwame Nana.

________________________________________________________________________
This email has been scanned for all viruses by the iMail VirusWall Email
Security System.
For more information on this proactive email security service working around
the clock,
around the globe, visit http://viruswall.aserver.com.hk
________________________________________________________________________

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Re: Deceased Relative / Client. !

2010-10-27T14:14:00.001-04:00

I love your cartoon. My, Dogbert gets me every time!

Yes, I do have a dead relative who lived in Zurich. Old Uncle Culpepper. He was a mighty man, steeped in southern charm and mint julep. Tell me he is not dead! Oh dear.

If it is indeed Uncle Culpepper Smuckles, I assure you I can provide mountains of photographs and such of us taking an iced tea together on the porch, inhaling the cool scent of honeysuckle while the gentle sounds of cottonpickers flow to us in the languid breeze of Louisiana. I also have several of his letters. Would this constitute sufficient proof?

2010/10/27 Mr Adams Scott <info@acerconsultants-uk.com>

From: Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd.

This is a confidential message from ACER Consultants: private consulting firm in London, United Kingdom.

I have been directed to contact you with regards to ongoing investigations involving a deceased client of Royal Bank of Scotland. The client, who shared the same last name with you, died intestate so it is standard and mandatory that a next of kin be sought who may inherit the estate. Kindly clarify the following:

- Are you aware of any relative of yours whose last known contact address was Zurich, Switzerland, with investments of considerable value with Royal Bank of Scotland?

- If you answered yes to the above then can you establish beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin to the deceased?

Understand that we are at this point contstained to share more details of this matter with you. We will need to hear from you urgently and hope you can assist us in bringing this inquiry to a conclusion.Please respond to my private email below as soon as possible to afford us the opportunity to close this investigation. Thank you for accommodating our enquiries.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd
For: Royal Bank of Scotland.
364 Windbridge,London Uk.
Email: mradams_scott@consultant.com
Tel/fax: 00-44-7005-921-477

------------------------------------------------------------------------
This e-mail is confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual(s) to whom it is addressed. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that you have received this e-mail in error and that any use, dissemination, forwarding, printing, copying of, or any action taken in reliance upon it, is strictly prohibited and may be illegal.

--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Georgina is waiting

2010-10-27T13:56:00.001-04:00

From: Georgina Kofi <georginakofi@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: please contact the company on my behalf.
To: xxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>

i am waiting

On 10/27/10, ramses smuckles <rames.smuckles@gmail.com> wrote:
> 1.senders full name: Ramses Luther Smuckles
> 2.text question and answer: Where's the beef? In me
> 3.transaction code which is MTCN: 489625878
> 4.Amont send:$3,300
>
> There. I mistook a five for a three! Ha! I'm such a fucking retard!
>
> Write me back when you get the money, my love. I can't wait to hear from
> you.

Fwd: help the sos children

2010-10-27T13:52:00.002-04:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xxxxxxx <xxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 10:16 AM
Subject: Re: help the sos children
To: georgepad512 <georgepad512@zoho.com>

I am good, and my children are happy and plump. Thank you for your concern.

Sorry about the delay. I was in East Asia on business, and was far from any electricity, let alone internet access.

You say you have 11 virgin girls, but how many total healthy virgins under the age of 22? Sex is not a factor in our decision to acquire them.

Please tabulate and return back to me the number of healthy virgins you possess. If possible, list their names, ages, how sure you are that they are indeed virgins, and any comments regarding their health you feel necessary. This list is not urgent, however, as we will send a physician out to inspect them personally anyway.

I am pleased you are such a generous man. I hope your family prospers. How is your family?

Oh. Please note that, as I said, our legal department will provide all documentation necessary for the transaction to appear legal. We will cover all costs. You need not worry about appearances.

On Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 7:33 AM, georgepad512 <georgepad512@zoho.com> wrote:

Dearesr Brother
how are you doing today and how is the family, i got the mail you sent to me and i want to say is nice hearing from you again.
i would want to know how many virgin kids you need so as to enable me prepare them for you, also you must know that this is africa and these kids are motherless and fatherless kids. it will be my delight to inform you that right now we have 11 grown up virgin girls of about 22 yrs of age. i also want to inform you that you will be taking care of their international passport, ticket and visa funds as over here our mission is to take care of them till they are fully grown up and due for marriage.
in this manner i will be awaiting your responds so as to know what your comment is on this, but i also want to let you know we do not sell kids or use them as a means of making money, in this case it will be seen that we are giving them out for marriage as i will be going to the missionary church that heads all the orphanages homes here to collect a permit paper so as to enable their free movement in the embassy.
do get back to me with your responds.
May the peace of the Lord be with you.

Direct from email postings

2010-10-27T13:37:00.002-04:00

I've enabled email posting. I should now be able to simply bcc my responses directly to the blog. I'll have to watch out for odd misformats and gibberish appearing. I may also want to sanitize the posts of email addies prior to publishing.

This gives me an idea. Why not set up a posterous blog in which people can do exactly this?

Georgina Kofi

2010-10-27T08:33:00.000-04:00

I got this on the 21st from a Georgina Kofi (Billy's dear Georgina):

Dear Sir,
I want to thank you for your response, I sincerely appreciate your interest
to assist me in my needs, however I would like to be sure of your
willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with
me, I cannot afford to compromise these virtues because this transaction
highly sensitive, I have my principles which will profit both of us
immediately it arrive your country.

I know you might be wondering where I got your email contact but to be
honest with you, I got your contact email directly on the Internet during my
search for a reliable partner who would be of assistance to act as my
foreign beneficiary of my two consignment boxes in the standard security
company here in my country Ghana, if you read my previous email properly I
have explained why I need your assistance for a better investment and my
further education in your country.

I have attachments the two documents,ownership and deposite certificate to
you in other to prove you that this properties belong to me,it is necessary
for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this
transaction, so I need to be convinced that you are a matured person with
some integrity and I will also prove my integrity to you. I will like you to
send me your photo and your contact number for easy communication as i have
attach my photo and my consignment documents to you and plaese contact the
standard security company where my father deposited my properties for the
clearance and shipment to your country.

Here is the company informaions.
Name of the company director:Dr.Anthony Klu
Email:standardsecurityservicegh@gmail.com
Private telephone number:00233548331778

introduce your self as my late father business partner or as my
husband and he will direct
you on how to clear the properties and ship to you thank you.

Hope to read from you soonest.
Best Regards,
Georgina Kofi.

I responded:

Attached you will find my photo [note: photo of Christopher Walken as Max Zorin].

Send me another picture of yourself without a shirt, and I'll give you
my personal home phone number.

She responded:

GOOD EVENINGAND HOW ARE YOU DOING, HOPE EVERY THING IS OK WITH YOU?
PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE WRITE THE COMPANY, SO THAT I WILL BE
DIRECTING YOU ON WHAT TO DO.
PLEASE GET ME BACK AS SOON AS POSIBLE

THANK YOU
GEORGIN KOFI

Wow. Quite excited! I responded:

Now now. Pleasure before business.

I will wire you $3,550 via Western Union the moment you send that
picture. Then our real business can commence.

It's simple. In your next email send me your payment details and the
picture of yourself. I will immediately respond with an email
containing the MTCN for immediate pick up.

Then, after I have seen your breasts and you have held my money, we
can get down to the real business.

I'll be waiting for that picture. I hope you're as eager to get on
with our business as I am.

She replied:

Ok,if you wish here is my receivers informations:

receivers name:(josephine ashong)
after you have send it ,here is the information i will need from you as follows.

1.senders full name:
2.text question and answer:
3.transaction code which is MTCN:
4.Amont send:

This will help me pick up the money without any problem thank you very much.

Regard
Georgina Kofi

I replied:

1.senders full name: Georgina Kofi
2.text question and answer: Where's the beef? In me
3.transaction code which is MTCN: 489623878
4.Amont send:$3,300

This did not please her:

why will you tell me that? Hw can senders name should be my name am i
the one sending the money to you ? why? beside i have track the money
through the number you give me but is not real why?

pls if you real know you send the money, here is the informations i
need from you.

1.senders full name i means the person who send the money name.
2.transction code MTCN NUMBER.
3.what name do you send the money to.
4. test question and answer
5.country of origin, where the money is coming from.

thank you and waiting for you.

I replied:

What? I thought I was giving you correct informations.

Wait a second, I'll check my receipt and get back to you. Maybe I used
another string of numbers or something on the paper.

Sorry about this. I'll make it up to you, my love.

I then followed up with:

1.senders full name: Ramses Luther Smuckles
2.text question and answer: Where's the beef? In me
3.transaction code which is MTCN: 489625878
4.Amont send:$3,300

There. I mistook a five for a three! Ha! I'm such a fucking retard!

Write me back when you get the money, my love. I can't wait to hear from you.

Let's see how she responds.

Older

2010-10-26T12:38:00.001-04:00

Ships in the night

2010-10-25T23:48:00.000-04:00

I received this from a Billy:

Hello Georgina,

I have received your e-mail requesting help. My name is Billy Ferguson, I am a business man from Scotland. I have read about your terrible plight and I am deeply moved. It is disgusting to hear that your uncles are mistreating you. What can I do to help?

Kind regards,
Billy

I responded:

Do I look like a Georgina, even one who has been cruelly mistreated by nefarious uncles who almost certainly possess eye patches and lecherous pugs?

Sir, you have made a terrible mistake. I demand satisfaction. You and I shall square off at noon tomorrow in Tianenmen Square. Our weapons will be chimpanzees, two black rubber dildos, or the perfectly preserved corpses of both Orson Welles and Jimmy Durante. Your choice.

We shall fight to either the death or the giggles, you perspicacious rapscallion in whose father's face I smear something indescribably foul!

He responded, to my utter shock:

Woops. I was replying to a mail from a Nigerian scammer. I lifted your mail (seems to have mailed you too) instead of his. I was hoping to waste his time rather than yours though your challenge for a duel sounds entertaining, I'll go with the corpses.

Wow. I responded:

They always do. They always do.

Hey, do you want to bait together? I can be your Inuit brother-husband, Cthulhu-cultist pastor, the lad dolla-chopping you, etc.

If you like, I'll throw some your way. I'm working on a trick I call Accidentally Forwarded Emails. The idea being that you forward the lad's email to another character who then gets somehow involved in the transaction. An exchange develops, and at some point you reply to this second character "accidentally" cc'ing it to the lad. Now there's a fine sub-plot, you double his work-load, double the opportunity for confusion, etc.

Here's hoping to ruin some profits together.

The Alphabet Serial Song

2010-10-25T07:34:00.002-04:00

I won the webmaster lotto!

2010-10-24T05:11:00.000-04:00

Proof:

Juliet, Oh Juliet

2010-10-24T04:13:00.001-04:00

I got this average refugee-orphan-with-a-ton-of-money scam letter:

Hello,

Thanks for your email and the acceptance to assist me. I want you to help me retrieve the money from the bank where it been deposited by my late father for investment purpose, the procedure is that you have to contact the them to initiate the process.

Your full name / address: ............................

Identity card/Passport:................................

Age/Marital statue:...................................

Telephone number:......................................

Occupation:............................................

country................................................

As soon as this information are received, I will forward all the information of the bank to establish contact with them to start the process.

Awaiting to hearing from you soonest.

Best regard,
Juliet

I enthusiastically responded:

Your full name / address: ............................Tom D3lays, 11 Via Verde, Achewood, CA, 90714 USA

Identity card/Passport:................................984982424

Age/Marital statue:...................................36 single

Telephone number:......................................1-757-484-9987

Occupation:............................................lounge singer

country................................................USA

religion....................................................satanist

favorite color.............................................ice cream

favorite food.................................................black

dog's name....................................................Fernando Smellybottoms

Mother's name................................................Brucella Christina Donaldson-Higgensworth

Mother's SSN..................................................867-53-0900

Father's fetish....................................................diapers

Baby daddy........................................................NO

Microwave-owner................................................yes

Boss name........................................................Alexander Graham Bellbottoms

Boss's wife's mole................................................inner left thigh

Favorite singer........................................................Ted Bundy

Favorite serial killer...................................................Dick Clark

Least favorite person..................................................muhatma gandhi

Favorite person.......................................................... Marcellus Wallace

looks like a bitch..........................................................NO

Catchphrase................................................................."gosh-darned cunt"

MTCN............................................................................4759128790

Religious Widow response

2010-10-24T04:09:00.000-04:00

I sent the following in response to a normal "I'm a religious widow who needs you, a random email address, to distribute millions of dollars toward charities". I haven't gotten a response yet:

I am a Satanist. I hope this does not affect your decisions.

I simply believe that this world is designed to make humans suffer and
inflict suffering on other humans, in a neverending cat and mouse game
which in even the best of times can be characterized by the sadism of
a young child pouring salt on slugs.

I simply believe with my utmost fiber that every human who has ever
lived ought to have been strangled at birth. This is my faith, and it
has served me well.

I believe there is no God, no good, no decency, no such thing as
Canada. I believe my life is measured only by the number of orphans I
create. I believe Santa Claus is an imaginary pedophile, and I salute
his work ethic.

I believe you will vanish into utter oblivion once you die, and I
would pay good money to have sex with your corpse.

Oh, I also believe that I am just the right man for your job. I am
positively erect with eagerness to distribute your money. Oh, I will
distribute the fuck out of it.

Yours in eternal nothingness and random perturbations of chaos,
Ramses Smuckles

Glory Oneil

2010-10-22T12:19:00.001-04:00

I ASEM'd her with a short message: "Going to WU right now. Sending MTCN when I get back."

She responded:

Good morning honey, i am glad to hear from you, please do inform me
immidiately you transfer the money, i hope very soon, i will meet you there
i love you.
Your love, Glory.

I of course had something unforeseen come up:

Your message makes the area between my legs feel tingly.

I'm working on it, my love. Something came up: my daughter announced
that she is now a lesbian, and made me watch hours upon hours of
lesbian pornography starring her in a lead role. I was quite
perturbed, and unable to go to Western Union during the duration of
this marathon.

Yours in hoping he will go blind,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

P.S. Send me a topless pic before I can scratch my eyes out and I may
decide to keep my sense of sight. This is urgent, the Elektra complex
is strong within her!

She replied:

Honey, i am sorry to hear that your daughter is now a lesbian, but it have nothing to do with the money you promised to send yesterday, please try to send the money today, sorry again i don't have another picture at the moments, i promise to send you one when i take a current picture.
I miss you, Glory

George Padmore seems interested

2010-10-22T12:14:00.000-04:00

He responded to my explanation with:

Dearesr Brother how are you doing today and how is the family, i got
the mail you sent to me and i want to say is nice hearing from you
again. i would want to know how many virgin kids you need so as to
enable me prepare them for you, also you must know that this is africa
and these kids are motherless and fatherless kids. it will be my
delight to inform you that right now we have 11 grown up virgin girls
of about 22 yrs of age. i also want to inform you that you will be
taking care of their international passport, ticket and visa funds as
over here our mission is to take care of them till they are fully
grown up and due for marriage. in this manner i will be awaiting your
responds so as to know what your comment is on this, but i also want
to let you know we do not sell kids or use them as a means of making
money, in this case it will be seen that we are giving them out for
marriage as i will be going to the missionary church that heads all
the orphanages homes here to collect a permit paper so as to enable
their free movement in the embassy. do get back to me with your
responds. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

George Padmore gets a terrible dilemma

2010-10-22T00:27:00.000-04:00

I sent him this explanation:

It is right that you are curious. It would be odd if you weren't.

I need the orphans to help cure HIV.

My people and I cannot legally acquire human test subjects for our
experimental formula. We can, of course, find all the diseased and
alcoholic and drug-addled homeless we want, but these are poor
specimens.

No, we need fresh, young, virginal children. We cannot afford to buy
child test subjects in developed nations, so our only course of action
is to purchase them from developing nations.

The children are indeed cheaper, but too often they have been
malnourished and/or already infected with parasites and other
indigenous infections. Too often we find it impossible to locate a
single orphan who meets our criteria for health.

If you are interested in curing a terrible affliction which is at this
moment raging throughout Africa, please evaluate your orphans for
healthiness. Send me a list of however many you think will be
acceptable, and I will fly my personal doctor out to test them for
both health and virginity. Upon these tests, we will pay you $1,000
for each ectomorphic virgin, $600 for each endomorphic virgin. The
children will be immediately flown to any of our seven labs located
throughout the world.

Unfortunately, neither you nor I can know where they will end up. They
will not be permitted to carry personal articles. Sadly, you will not
be able to communicate with them.

I have been authorized to wire you a generous amount for your
preliminary testing. You may purchase any medical equipment you wish
with the money, and keep it after we have acquired the orphans. We may
be on the way to curing AIDS, but that doesn't mean we can't also make
the lives of a few orphans happier.

Our legal team will get in contact with you regarding the
documentation necessary to display to your superiors and authorities
upon the disappearance of the orphans. Rest assured, we have the
resources to smooth over any red tape that arises.

Ah yes, the orphans will not be harmed. Do not worry about them being
harmed or traumatized. They will each receive puppies and Nike
sneakers at their destination. I have been told these puppies are very
friendly. Do not have nightmares about them being strapped to gurneys
in endless sterile white rooms while robotic arms systematically
dissect them.

Awaiting your eager reply,
Dr. Ramses Luther Smuckles

Emeril responds

2010-10-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

Emeril LeGoinegasque responded to my plea for advice:

We must be cautious in our dealings with this man. We must please
remember that where hope fades the light it must burn. It must burn
greatly.

I spent hours upon the hours last night uncovering information
regarding this man, and I did prove to myself adequately that he is a
genuine article. He can be trusted to an end.

I do not think he could understand the enormity of Project Dandelion.
The days they are there when I can not understand Project Dandelion.
Let him know about Project Buttered Ham. If he does shriek and spit on
us about Buttered Ham, we will know he never could join us in
Dandelion.

I do see that I gave my $500,000 to the right person. I did wire you
an extra $500,000. Your funds for this project are now numbered at the
$1 million. Do what you can to get this man on our side. And please
get those orphans. It is essential to the future lest things be ashes
in our mouthes.

I did tell T. about your culinary misadventure, he stated that perhaps
it was the mussels you had eaten before coming over. He did say the
establishment in which you purchased yonder mussels was named "Bob's
Shellfish Shack" and that such places cannot be considered safe.

Good man, Emeril. I responded to him, "accidentally" cc'ing it to George Padmore:

Thanks, boss.

I'll explain as much of Buttered Ham as I think he can stand. If his
orphanage has, say, 20 orphans, we may be able to acquire them for
only $12,000. This is supposing they are simply virginal.

I've got a suggestion. It may be more expensive, but we can afford it.
And, as you said, the money is in my discretion. Let's pay $1,000 for
orphans that are not only virginal, but obese. Yes, that means we will
have to pay him $20,000 for 20 orphans. But I believe this is
essential to Buttered Ham and obviously critical to Dandelion.

As of yet, I don't know how many orphans he has, or in what condition.
We can afford up to $1,000,000 or 1000 orphans in virginal/obese
condition.

I'll contact him ASAP to find out what he can provide us.

Oh: tell T. that I spent good money on those mussels and there's no
way in hell that a fancy $4 mussel plate will be prepared using shit
ingredients. I'm still shitting a river here. Do you think I should
sue them? We may be talking a few million. I'm mentally traumatized by
the image of geysering shit out my asshole.

P.S. We can't let him tweak on us. We need those orphans immediately.
I'm going to arrange to wire $50,000 to him just to get him on our
side for the rest of the transaction. Don't know when he'll get back
to me with payment details, or whether he will even agree.

Two views of George Padmore

2010-10-21T02:08:00.001-04:00

So George Padmore, our friendly orphan merchant, has responded.

I forwarded his last email in which he questioned the purpose of my buying his orphans, to my dear friend Emeril LeGoinegasque, with the following plea:

He wants to know what we're using the orphans for.

What do we tell him? Could he handle the terrible truth?

Get back to me ASAP. You gave me $500,000 and damned if the
opportunity didn't immediately present itself. How else will we get
orphans this quickly, man?!

Tell T. I said to cook the chicken better next time. I've got squirts
so bad I'm shitting kittens.

All well and good. I should hear back from Emeril soon.

At the same time, Padmore emailed one of my accounts in which I'm straightbaiting him. He responded to my initial expression of interest and concern with:

Hello Dearest Friend of God, as i the Chair man Head of Department Nigeria Orphanage Association In person of Dr.Mr Padmore Geroge from the United Kingdom but currently in Nigeria for the development of the youth empowerment fora better living.
This center is home to 800 children aged 0 to 15 as at last month, just this week we have 4 children that was brought to us by one of the Anglican church missionaries, according to them they found them in a desolated area where refused and rubbish are thrown 19 children needs special attention as they are thru with their secondary education and will be engaging in the universities, this will be needing a financial back up which i think your support and mine will be needed so as to enable them achieve their goal in life and to put some smiles on the faces of Lord Jesus Christ who has called us to these great mission.
OUR VISION TO THE TASK GOD HAS GIVEN US
Orphan's Hope is 100% dedicated to
the compelling needs of Orphans in poverty and transforming their lives. While we provide relief for urgent
needs, Orphan's Hope is committed to bringing lasting solutions that care for
the children's physical, educational,
and spiritual needs, in a way that gives them hope and a future. We are
currently focused on helping orphans
In The Future expansion for Africa as we
Need funds to help aids orphans.
Orphan's Hope mobilizing people in the compelling opportunities that transform struggling children's lives. Orphan's Hope has partners in
countries like Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, Netherlands, and the United Kingdom. From wherever you visit this site you can see immediate
and compelling needs and personally make a difference by donating online.
Most people can't name an organization totally dedicated to Orphans.
Orphan's Hope is, and we hope you will join us in transforming lives.
Most Urgent Needs:
    * 30 Antibacterial Lamps
    * 30 Kettles to boil water
    * Refrigerator
    * Generator
    *

General Needs:
    * Computer & Printer
    * TV
    * Car & Ambulance
    * Small electric pan (one per group)
Our buildings is overall old and in a state of disrepair. The steps leading into buildings were falling apart, and the each buildings interior was in desperate need of an overhaul. The trails connecting the buildings were a no go for strollers, they didn’t appear to have any. One bright note, however, the playground equipment was in pretty decent shape.
Some of our babies with birth defects/illnesses and one if our little girl is having pigeon toes (There is need for surgery but our branch office is planing to give us 30% of the surgery money but she had braces on).some of our babies really need proper treatment.
we will be looking forwaard tto read or hear from you.
stay blessed and have a blissful day

Attached were several photos of the expected decrepit and unhealthy orphans being miserable in a run down institution.

I hope you can see what I'm planning. Padmore doubtless has a ton of pictures of starving and diseased children he can use to pull on heart strings without any effort at all. I want him to work for his scam. From my orphan-buying account I will ask him to send me pictures of healthy orphans, as I will pay more for them. Therefore his gallery of suffering won't get as much money out of me. No, he will have to exert the effort to go to Google and find pictures of fat and happy Nigerian children.

These pictures I will be skeptical about. I will make him send me pictures of healthy children holding drawings they made of things I specify. Things like "two lions fighting a T-Rex" or "a T-Rex wearing a djellaba" etc.

He'll delay, of course. But eventually I'll get him to scrounge up money to pay for these photos to be taken. It'll be worth it in the end, as far as he knows. And I'll have some fancy child-drawn artwork trophies.

Simultaneously, my straightbaiting account will be pushing him for as much samples of suffering as possible. He will want to send his entire gallery. And I will also be skeptical about these pictures. "These kids could be starving anywhere. Please, I need proof they are in an orphanage!" This straightbait will push him to send me pictures of children doing a live action version of the Lion King for me.

On the one hand, impossibly fat and happy children holding up awesome drawings of T-Rex. On the other, extremely thin children wearing lion costumes and trying to portray the Machiavellian intrigues of Scar.

Roberta Crane needs my help

2010-10-21T01:44:00.000-04:00

I received this from one Roberta Crane:

Beloved in Christ
Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs. Roberta
Crane an American woman living in Ghana for charity organization.I'm
69 years old widow & a new Christian convert, suffering from long time
cancer in the blood (Leukemia According to my doctor, my condition is
critical bad and I might not survive.

Although as a Christian, I believe God and I know that I will not die,
but will live to declare the glory of God upon my life as my bible
says in the book of pslam 118:17. My late husband.Mr Gilbert Crane and
my only son were murdered years back, take a look. Our Lord Jesus
Christ is my only comforter.
I have the sum of Eleven million, One hundred thousand US Dollars
($11.1m) the fund is presently deposited with a financial company for
security reasons and all the documents concerning the fund are in the
custody of my Pastor.

I inherited the money from my late husband who was an industrialist
and international businessman. I have prayed concerning this donation
for God's guidance and if in your heart you genuinely and faithfully
desire-to use this fund for the propagation of God's work in any where
whether for charity, ministry, evangelical work or otherwise in
relation to God's work, do get in -touch with my pastor for further
arrangements on how you will receive my Charity donation.

Here is my pastor infomations:
Name: Pastor Samuel Mensha
Private telephone number:00233541922357
Fax number:77782376
Email Address:pastorsamuelmensha@gmail.com
Address:No 4 SS peters and paul Avenu Accra Ghana.

He will assist you and ensure you receive the funds into your
destination account.
God bless you once again and as you receive, give and give God all the Glory.

Remain blessed in the Lord
Yours in Christ
Mrs. Roberta Crane

I responded, upping the religious ante:

Blessed is the Lord of All Things, Great and Small, Skinny and Fat,
Alive and Dead, Animal or Vegetable, Paper and Plastic. The LORD told
me He would give me good Christian news and the LORD provided. The
LORD works in mysterious LORDLY ways and all good things come to the
GODFEARING children who WAIT.

The SAINTED name of the LORD OUR SAVIOUR JESUS H CHRIST MAY HIS NAME
NEVER BE FORGOTTEN AS HE DIED ON THE CROSS TO ABSOLVE US OF ALL SIN AS
WE ALL KNOW has upon this fgodly day blessed me with the GODLY
Christian email you have sent me on this GODLY day of the LORD. This
is a blessed sign from the LORD JESUS H CHRIST WHOSE WOUNDS BLEED
FORGIVENESS LIKE A MENSTRUATING WOMAN BLEEDS ANGER that you and I will
have a profitable and CHRISTIAN transaction.

Eagerly Awaiting your Response as I pray to the Lord God ALL THINGS
EVEN MONKEYS that you are in the eyes of the LORD healthy in the body
and mind that the LORD gave you when the LORD decided to create you in
HIS inestimable wisdom just as LORD does,

Professor Ramses Luther Smuckles

P.S. The LORD is good. I love the LORD.

The upright Mrs. Crane responded very happily:

How are you doing my dear beloved one.
i am also very happy to know that poeple like you still exist.
i have worked under charity organizations for years and now that i am
very ill and dont know if i will survive it.
i need to hand over this donation to anybody who have the heart of God
to continue this work as usual.

i might not be able to go on system all times because of my present
condition now.so i will like you to contact my pastor for the clearing
of the fund
from the security company here in ghana and ship to your destination.

here is my pastor's contact:+233541922357
email:pastorsamuelmensha@gmail.com

Thank you once agian my dear beloved
May the good God richly bless you and your family

Best Regards,
Roberta crane

I forwarded this message to my close friend, Rev. Emeril LeGoinegasque, with the following plea for help:

My dear Reverend, this poor soul needs our help.

Could you please pray to the ALMIGHTY LORD for her health, and check
to see if your parishioners will put forth their money to help her
overcome any difficulties?

Your faithful brother-husband in Christ the Lord,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

Accidentally Forwarded Emails

2010-10-21T01:32:00.000-04:00

This is a neat trick.

Your Victim A has gotten into a convo with the spammer. Things are going well for him. You are a clueless and gullible victim, eager to give him your money. What more can he ask for? What more can you do to frustrate him?

Forward one of his emails to another character, Victim B. Ask advice, offer to split the money, ask for a loan/prayers/sex whatever. Somehow, involve Victim B in the transaction.

Wait a day. As Victim B, respond to Victim A's response. Bullshit, make up total insanity, it doesn't matter.

Wait a day. As Victim A, respond to Victim B. Address concerns, cybersex, insult him, whatever. And importantly, "accidentally" cc the email to the scammer.

Now look at it from the scammer's point of view. He has what looks like evidence that you are serious about this, willing to give money, and aren't suspicious of him. He may also think that you are an idiot, depending on this exchange. And, he will have the chance to chide you for not being as confidential as he would like. And, he has another victim he can milk for money.

At this point, you can do loads of things to abuse your lad. You now effectively double his work load. You can confuse him much more easily. You can set up a whole side plot to delay him. You can lead him into torrid love affairs or Machiavellian intrigues. Hell, you can turn Victim B into another lad, and try to hire your lad onto his team. The opportunities are endless.

Link Wray, the true king of Rock and Roll

2010-10-20T02:19:00.002-04:00

Brief tips on scambaiting

2010-10-19T00:06:00.000-04:00

The biggest tip is to do it safely. Google for "safe baiting" and you'll find tons of advice.

Slow down. The goal is to waste his time, not just get a laugh. Keep
it going as long as possible.

Do not educate the scammer. Don't burn him, don't say "hah you should
know that in America we do not use this format for addresses! Mugu!",
don't correct his idiocy. Bear in mind that even the dumbest mistakes
he makes obviously go unnoticed by his victims. You don't want to make
him better at his job.

Get acquainted with straightbaiting. In the Klutz Book of Magic
tricks, it teaches how to do the french drop: "hold a quarter. Pass it
to the other hand. That is the perfect french drop. All you have to do
now is do the same thing, but without passing the quarter over." This
is the same way to approach scambaiting. Learn how to be
indistinguishable from a real victim. Once you can give the perfect
illusion of being gullible and full of money, only then can you trick
him by not passing the money over.

Sunk costs. The more time and effort he puts into scamming you, the
more willing he will be to put in more time and effort. Use this to
your advantage.

Don't worry about continuity too much. As long as you don't change
genders without an explanation, or suddenly resurrect a dead spouse
without going to Lourdes, you'll be fine. These guys are not that
bright.

That being said, don't pick on the scammer's continuity for fun. It
will educate him. Only pick holes in his story to further the illusion
of being confused and gullible. In other words, rationalize why you
want to pick a hole in his plot. Just don't do it without thinking of
how it will make you more appealing as a victim.

The long awaited response to Valeriya

2010-10-18T23:50:00.001-04:00

After a few days of not responding to the last letter:

I have been ill, my love. I began snorting up all manner of disgusting things from my sinuses. I took care and douched my nose and thankfully it has diminished in volume. I believe at one point a kitten fell out of my nostril.

The entire time I was bedridden, I thought about you. I imagined the both of us laying on that hammock, wearing bathing suits, rubbing each other's forehead with bacon. I imagined sliding a thick sausage against your neck. I imagined breaking a delicious egg yolk over your belly. My daydreams were a flurry of breakfast foods and Valeriya.

Now that I'm feeling better and more human, I would like to tell you that I have contacted my priestly friend. He has experience in helping women come to America, and has friends in the Immigration and Naturalization Service. He can be counted on to ease your arrival here as well as help with any fees we encounter. He can also, get this, marry us. I'll see if he's got an email address so you can talk to him.

Happy happy joy joy!
Happy happy joy joy!
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

Tell me how you have been, my love. I hope you weren't snorting up kittens as well!

George Padmore responds w/r/t orphanic domicile

2010-10-18T19:34:00.000-04:00

He responded:

For now will dont mind any amount nor any help you want to render us.we are having problem with our house which have lead some of our kids to hospital due to mosquto bitt which lead to maleria.pleas we dont maind any amount all we are pleading for is help. Bye for now and remain bless.

I responded:

I could e.g. give you money to fix up the house, but w/r/t the orphan domicile maybe the proper solution* is for me to purchase land on which you could build a new** orphanage. Sans knowledge of the area I can't make the decision yet, the equation is as yet unbalanced.

Understand vis a vis the real estate that I would be willing (i.w.b.w.) to pay all construction expenses and assorted costs of zoning etc. i.w.b.w. to also scout for new supplies of food, medical supplies, and whatever else is needed w/r/t orphanic health and sanity.

i.w.b.w. to w/r/t/b/n/necessarily equate these variables into charitable donations for tax^man -e^pi*i = 0.

I've been wanting to do this for 10 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it for 2.5 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it in 1.75 years. A/s/o/a/s/f so by Zeno's argument 10 years ago is now and now is 10 years ago because this series converges on 0. Do you understand my joy?

I would love it if you could send me a photograph of 1) the outside of the orphanage, 2) a photograph of a normal inner room, 3) a photograph of the kitchen, and 4) a photograph of a bathroom. These are necessary for me to understand I could e.g. give you money to fix up the house, but w/r/t the orphan domicile maybe the proper solution* is for me to purchase land on which you could build a new** orphanage. Sans knowledge of the area I can't make the decision yet, the equation is as yet unbalanced.

Understand vis a vis the real estate that I would be willing (i.w.b.w.) to pay all construction expenses and assorted costs of zoning etc. i.w.b.w. to also scout for new supplies of food, medical supplies, and whatever else is needed w/r/t orphanic health and sanity.

i.w.b.w. to w/r/t/b/n/necessarily equate these variables into charitable donations for tax^man -e^pi*i = 0.

I've been wanting to do this for 10 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it for 2.5 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it in 1.75 years. A/s/o/a/s/f so by Zeno's argument 10 years ago is now and now is 10 years ago because this series converges on 0. Do you understand my joy?

I would love it if you could send me a photograph of 1) the outside of the orphanage, 2) a photograph of a normal inner room, 3) a photograph of the kitchen, and 4) a photograph of a bathroom. These are necessary for me to understand whether we are better off fixing the place up or going all out and constructing a newer and better orphanage such as the world has never seen.

Take your time, my good man (t.y.t.m.g.m.)whether we are better off fixing the place up or going all out and constructing a newer and better orphanage such as the world has never seen.

Take your time, my good man (t.y.t.m.g.m.)

Another view of George Padmore

2010-10-18T18:25:00.000-04:00

He hit another one of my catcher accounts with his orphan plea. I responded in the manner of David Foster Wallace:

My goodness! w/r/t the children is there anything I can do to help?*

*I once met a man from Zaire who had a pet dog named Rambo. The dog was a happy little Pomeranian and often would lick my face. Well, long story short the dog got rabies and bit a child. The child's parents could not afford a rabies shot, and he died in a ghastly way. Foaming, raving, clawing at his very parents. Tough shit, I said, and put a bullet through his head. Then I shot the mad dog. These things happen, I said, damned if they don't. Sometimes all you can do is curl up** in a fetal position and drink to make it all go away.

** Curling up in the fetal position is the recommended strategy for dealing with the crimes*** that life brings you.

*** Sometimes they occur while I sleep. Sometimes I wake up bloody and with pockets full of money. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I have died. Sometimes I scream.****

**** "Oh no what I have done to this poor girl!"

I detect a note of concern

2010-10-18T16:39:00.000-04:00

Mixed with greed. George Padmore responded to my offer to buy his orphans:

I don't think i got your message right,are buying them to use them as what? and if i many ask are pricing item or what planing to pay me $300 for the kids i have been caring for and planing for the life.
Who are you sir?
What do you want to use the kinds for?
Where are you located?
Can you send me a scan copy of your international pass port? so i can know who am dealing with.
Hope all my question is not much.I will wait upon your respond so we can know the next step.

I won the Netherlands lottery!

2010-10-18T15:03:00.001-04:00

Except I seem to have fallen into the grasp of a terrible scammer already. I got this:

Mega Millions Award Division.
Great Ormond street Amsterdam
WC1 THE NETHERLAND.
TEL :+31685083128
FAX :+31847276615

Attn:-Winner,

Congratulations from our members of staff. Responsible for the processing of winning prizes in the e-mail lottery program. Your e-mail address attached to a single ticket was found as one of the lucky e-mail addresses that emerged to have won 550,000.00 Euros . It is not a promotion but your email have won you this prize.

The information was passed to us by the LOTTERY COMPANY, to ensure that they are in contact with the rightful owner of the winning e-mail and web-site addresses. We write to explain and clarify the mode and chronologies of the service we render to our clients of lottery claim related issues.

Firstly, our ultimate concern is that our clients get their winning prizes as quickly as it is possible. You are therefore required to fill the Processing Form,and a proof of your identification and return back to this office either as e-mail attachment or via Fax for verification.

Due to mix-up of certain numbers and names, you are required to keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been processed and winning prize remitted to your nominated account. This is part of our security protocols to avoid abuse of the program by some participants.

Be assured that, in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customers satisfaction, we handle all verification exercise with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure that our clients receive their prizes within the shortest possible time.

Once again, Congratulations.
Best of Regards,
Mr Patrick Adams
(Claim Supervisor)

I responded, frightened, with:

I'm already in contact with Barrister [one of my characters] about this. He has already received $2,000 toward the total needed to receive my lottery winnings.

I'm not going to send forms and money to people who have no business with me. The right barrister [my character] I know to be honest.

How about you email him. Sometimes the right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing.

His email: [the email addy]

I need you to either prove to me that he is cheating me, or to him that you are not cheating me. We must all be serious about this transaction. I have already spent $2,000 and I will not be fucked with.

A bizarre way of scamming me

2010-10-18T14:53:00.000-04:00

Mr. Hillary White sent me:

CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
HEAD QUARTER TINUBU SQUARE
LAGOS NIGERIA
Foreign remittance department
and international credit control
and financial surveillance
Telex 2838700, 28430
Tel/Fax: +1-206-339-1230

Attention: Beneficiary,

RE: PAYMENT AGAINST SWIFT MT103 UNCONDITIONAL PAYMENT FOR THE SUM OF $6.5
MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLARS BEING PART- PAYMENT OF YOUR
CONTRCT FUND).

We refer to the above transaction and hereby confirm with corporate
responsibility under penalty of perjury that we have initiate by swift
transfer MT103 unconditional payment of the above stated sum to your
account stated below with TCF BANK being part-payment for the performance
of a contract with Federal Government of Nigeria:

TCF BANK 801 MARQUETTE AVE MPLS MN
ACCOUNT NUMBER: 65433545654
ROUTING; 543654324
ABA: 0923-3541

We will further confirm that the said fund is clear and of non criminal
and non terrorist origin, free from liens and encumbrances.

Transfer routing and authentication of the said funds was through Nat west
London to your above.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Hillary White.
Director international credit control and financial surveillance
Central bank of Nigeria (CBN)

I responded:

This is splendid. Just give me the MTCN and I'll be sure to toast you with a bottle of fine wine from my new yacht.

Thanks, friend. It's not everyday I get $6.5 million out of the blue.

Hm. You haven't already confirmed the legitimacy of the money? I don't want any of that homosexual terrorist money or money that filthy scammers have touched.

You better get back to me with proof that the money is clean. I'm not going to get raped with a coke bottle in a Nigerian prison because you fucked up and got greedy.

We have to make sure there's no scam here, then we can proceed. Remember, coke bottle. Nigerian prison. Assholes distended. We don't want that.

He immediately tried to reassure me:

The prrof you need is for your Bank to confirm to you that funds has being wired to your account.Now you need to send the Bank details where you wish to receive this funds because one of your brother's has come foward to claim your funds,which was why i contacted you to verify.

Seems odd I suddenly have a brother in some Darfur pit of hell. But I respond:

Why can't you send me the money via Western Union?

He replied:

We can only wire your total funds once and not bit by bit.

I was ecstatic. I responded:

That's even better. Can Western Union handle you wiring me the full $6.5 million at once?

Orphans for sale

2010-10-18T14:44:00.000-04:00

Received this from a George Padmore:

The Chair man Head of Department Nigeria Orphanage Association In
person of Dr.Mr Padmore George from the United Kingdom but currently
in Nigeria for the development of the youth empowerment fora better
living. I was heading one of our branch in the United Kingdom before i
was called for the management of our branch here in Nigeria for a
proper care for the Orphans.I and then entire member of the
association staff are urgently seeking for your support,the orphanage
has been my desire from the early stage of my life, Theorphanage which
started 7 year back.Has been in worse shape for 4years now after all
the effort of making or bringing it back to itnormal condition proof
abortive.

The augent seeking of aid led us to you, The orphanage home is in a
bad state and government are not helping issues rather all they gave
was on promises,The worse things is that its difficult to feed them
twice a day, This predicamaent and acute starvation had led to some
been affected by quashiokor,And we lost 10 percent of the children to
the cold hands of death,Sometime malaria effections attacks severely
due to the poor ventilation,Also we have been moveing from one place
to another here in nigeria so as to get some financial aids so that
the children will have a good life tolive in augently,Kindly assist us
to help build back the state being of our orphanage home,

God say pay tex and adoration
Giver never lack say our hero
You trust is yours strength
You support is also you work
You kindness is you quality
If you are respected you are defend
God loves a shareful giver
He that giveth shall recive in double fold
The begining of man is wisdom
The fear of God is wisdom
The rain fall and go (there is hope)

Thank for your perusal
Godbless you as you help

I responded:

I will buy the orphans from you at $300 per orphan, $600 if they are virgins. I can pay up to $500,000 so I do not think there will be unforseeable and tragic difficulties.

Please prove that you are secious and send me a few pictures of the orphans. Once I get an idea of how they are, I'll send my personal doctor down there to inspect them for virginity. He will send me up an evaluation so I know how much money to pay you.

This is good news, my friend. I was waiting for just this opportunity.

I lay down the law in a non-homo way

2010-10-18T03:14:00.000-04:00

I got a standard NOK(next of kin) scam from a Frank Wilson. Here is how I responded:

I'm certainly interested. Tell me more about the accident! I didn't know I had family there. Smuckles, we get around, eh?

So you are giving me 40% of 15 million dollars? Make that $500 and you've got yourself a deal, my friend. I need a new dishwasher, and boy this will help.

I'll be frank with you. I don't want none of that funny business. You know, where you try to seduce me. I won't stand for godless man-on-man relationships. If you're a filthy sodomite you can just stop right here. Sure, I enjoy getting close to other men. I'll even smack a man on the bottom if I'm frisky. But that's manly things you do with men. Ain't anything close to letting a man rub his gentleness on you, you know what I mean.

A very fun scammer

2010-10-18T02:50:00.000-04:00

Ok. I wonder if I should try a different format for these 419 posts. Some ongoing things I may not want googleable, etc. I have to weigh the odds of the scammer or his mugu kin finding his convo here, versus the laughs.

I wonder how much info I should actually post. Headers? Give me advice if you can.

Anyway, one of my catcher accounts has already received a bountiful harvest of scamspam. The funniest was entitle "good day" and reads:

Hello goodday to you, my name is bello taoo iam the owner of the dog this is business iam doing to feid my familly if you are intresterd please I need your urgent repply so the dog can be ship to you immidetly

Description: AKC, Sired by Bruiser Elle. This girl is beautiful, would make a distinctive looking pet. Our puppies are vet checked prior to coming home to you, up to date on vaccines, dewormings and come w/ a 1 yr. health guarantee. Our bullie babies are also pet door trained. Please visit our website for all the available puppies right now.

I responded:

I am incredibly interested in your puppies. Incredibly. Could you send me a picture of a puppy or two? If I can find a dog that looks exactly like my childhood dog, I will pay a lot for it. I'll try to find a picture of him while I wait for your response.

The JESUS EVANGELICAL TEAM

2010-10-18T02:32:00.000-04:00

Like the Thundercats, I guess, but with more emphasis on homosexuality issues.

My new friend in Christ Benerji B responded to my ASEM with:

Dear Beloved in christ, holy greetings to you all his
blessings shall be upon you forever. iam pastor shalem benni
from eluru w.g.district india by birth iam hindu but my parents turned
in to him at time of emergency and in accordance to my parents
wish,iam working as a pastor in our area serving him and the people
too.i completed bible course in madrass for the period of three years
i gathered four of my friends and i turned them
too pastors as they are intrested our ministry name is JESUS
EVANGELICAL TEAM,we five run for all the activities and do the service
gathering people from all the corners of our nearby area there are
very remove villages where jesus is unknown for them.we flew there and
are teaching about bible and the lord too Totall,our country itself is
hindu religious dominated country.we are all working in this dominated
environment all people will see us like anything as we are teaching
about him verses we used to conduct street campaings and all for
reaching his word to the unreached we used to distribute pamphlets and
all for the peoplearound us.one in the hundred will react for us and
for our work here.in this hard environment we are workng for the
extension of his kingdom. we haveva church and we conduct
service for the converted people and for the people who belive him. we
five are from very poor families struggle even for food.we totall
depend on agriculture only and the offring church people houses and
gather some people and pray for them.street gospel is the main
activity of us we are not having any equipment like musical
instruments mic ect.only by his given voice we are spreading his workd
kindly help us at your best so that we five can move to the entire
country and can bring many people into his kingdom
in accordance to the verse GO into all the world and preach the
good news to all creation.whoever believes and is baptized will be
condemned.in my name they will drive out demons.they will speak in new
tongues they will place their hands on sick people and they will get
well;Mark16;15 iam working in accordance with this verse.
please extend your co-operation
encouragement for our team.your every help will be highly appreciated
in his kingdom.
all our church people are sending their wishes to you. we shall
wait at your early reply.awaiting early reply

thanking you in his name and my postal
address : pastor:shalem.benarji

n.p.raju colony Eluru w.g.district S.india

pin:534001 ph:91(9908850765)

I wonder how I should respond.

Response to "Swetlana"

2010-10-17T22:57:00.000-04:00

Taking advice from Wayne, I created a loose script to try out on the vlads. Here is my second response to the rather wordy Swetlana:

Wow you have had a hard and brutal life. It is not good that you are poor and lonely. Sometimes people take advantage of poor and lonely Russian women. And they do things to them. I would not like it if things got done to you because you were poor and lonely and Russian. Oh no. Indeed. I would not like that theft of my own talents at all.

Attached you will find a photo of me. It is not the most flattering, I am wearing clothes and you cannot see my "package".

Please respond to me, my poor and lonely and Russian woman who has presumably not been traumatized by life too much to experience the sensuality of a man who lives in an Econoline van!

And this is the photo I attached:

Swetlana responds

2010-10-16T23:57:00.000-04:00

It responded [emphasis mine] to my utterly insane letter:

Hello again my friend Tom! I am very pleased to again receive
your letter. Thank you very much for what you told me a little about
you! I am very glad to know you. I am interested to talk with you! You
know, I'm very worried. After all, this is my first communication on
the Internet. Today, I have mad a great mood, as you wrote me. I'm
very happy that now, we begin to learn new things about each other.
How are you? How is the weather in your city? I think that all is
well. Now in Russia it gets cold. Temperature of the day, only +12,
+14 degrees. In this letter, as I told you and promised to tell a
little about yourself and about the relationship that I seek.

My dear friend, I asked you to send me your photos, as I should be
with someone I begin my dialogue. Please, if you are serious about me,
send me your photo in the next letter is mandatory.

As I told you, I live alone and I do not have parents. After
University, I rented an apartment, because I could not afford to buy
his apartment. After the death of parents, I had only a small house in
a remote village, and then I could not get his inheritance, he lacks a
lot of documents. I sued and the trial lasted about 10 years, and only
after my persistence I was able to assert their rights. About a year
ago, the trial ended. Then I sold the house for a very small amount
and decided to buy a flat. I was able to buy a communal apartment, but
she is very comfortable and I'm happy that I have my own angle. I have
one room in 20 squares, and also I have a common shower and toilet
with their neighbors. Of course, this is not very good conditions, but
I'm glad that I have my own accommodation. Especially since I did so
myself. Also, thanks to the state program, I obtained a loan for 5
years for buying a house, as money from the sale of the parent's home
was not enough. The only disadvantage that every month I pay money for
my apartment in order to repay the loan. My friend, though I and a
small room, but it is very comfortable and there is always pure.

Also I would like to tell you about my daily routine. On weekdays I
get up at 5 am, because my work is not close to my house. Then I have
breakfast. Usually for breakfast I eat sandwiches and tea. I clean
teeth, wash my face and go to work. Usually at work I get to the bus.
It takes approximately 30-40 minutes. My working day begins at 8 pm
and lasts until 18 o'clock in the evening, after which I go back home.

You know, all my friends tell me that I am cheerful girl. I really am
an active lifestyle. I like meeting new people and learn. I love the
cheerful company. Now, unfortunately, I do not have much time to
communicate with friends, because I have a lot of work. Also, most of
my friends now live in other cities. I am very calm, romantic and
intelligent girl. At heart, I am a sensual and tender. In his free
time, I like hanging out with friends in a city park. In his free
time, I swim. Also I go to the gym. In the winter I like skiing,
skating. In the summer, with friends, we go to hike, bicycle.
Sometimes we go away from the city, hundreds of kilometers. I always
wanted to try water ski, but I never did. This is my big dream. You
love to travel? You like to play sports? In the summer, I just like to
ride a bicycle, do aerobics, swim and bask in the sun. In winter, I
love skiing and skating. I always dreamed of skiing. But,
unfortunately, I'm never succeeded. I have never traveled outside of
my country.

I very much like to greet the dawn and sunset to accompany. I love
nature. I also like to walk along the river bank, to feel his feet the
water. Tom, you love nature? Also I like listening to music. In
general, I prefer classical. I also listen to chill out and pop music.
At home, I have a lot of tapes, classical and popular music of Russia,
my favorite singer Dima Bilan. What music do you listen to? I like to
read books. During his life, I read many books on psychology, human
behavior. Also I like novels and detectives. Also I like fantasy
books. The last book I read - it is "Perfume". She left me an
excellent impression. What was the last book you read? I think that
while reading an interesting book, immersed in it. Through all the
events, along with the characters.

I have heard many good things about your country. I'm trying to follow
all developments in the world. Now, unfortunately, I can not watch TV
very often, because I have a lot of work. All my friends tell me that
I am an active girl who is unstoppable. I like to communicate, to know
new people. But in my life is not completely happy because I do not
have enough love and affection. I always like to see next to me was a
man who can truly love me.

I am looking for my love. You're looking for love as well, Tom? I
think that we are largely similar. In relations I am looking for
trust, understanding, and of course love. I want a man with whom I
have always understood me, never hurt and love. I only want a serious
relationship, I do not want any games. I think that you are looking
for a serious relationship as Tom? Please tell me more about you!
What do you mean by relationships? What hobbies do you have in life
Tom? On this I must finish my letter to you, because my time has
come to an end, and I must go home.

I look forward to wait for your new letter for me Tom. I am very
interested to talk with you and recognize you Tom! Your friend
from Russia, Swetlana.

SENATOR ADEFEMI BABALOLA

2010-10-16T10:07:00.000-04:00

Taking a cue from J.Dog, I ASEMed ("accidentally" sent emailed) a few 419 scammers from the giant list 419baiters.com maintains with:

God bless us, this time things seem to be looking up

My brother in the Lord Who Looks After All Things Both Great And Small And Even Smelly, Western Union has accepted the transaction!

Who do I send the mtcn to again?

Most of the addresses (fortunately) were already disabled or otherwise throwing back mail daemon errors.

Senator Adefemi BABALOLA, however, could not resist the lure of catching a mugu mid-scam. "You are a gullible moron? It's a shame some one else was trying to take your sweet money..." He would have chuckled to himself if Nigerians were capable of emotional expression. He responded:

Please find below the Western Union Payment Information for you to make payment with:
Western Union Payment Information:

Cashier's Name: ALMART OLSEN
Location: LAGOS NIGERIA
Text Question: IN GOD WE
Text Answer: TRUST

As soon as this payment is made, get back to me with the Money Transfer Control Number (MTCN) along with Sender's Name.

Thanks for your understanding, We are glad to be of service to you.

This e-mail (including any file attachment) contains confidential information and/or may also be legally privileged. It is intended solely for the use of the named addressees and any unauthorized dissemination or use by any other person or entity is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient you should not transmit, copy, print, disclose or otherwise make use of and/or place any reliance on this e-mail and its contents. If you have received this e-mail in error, you should immediately notify the sender by return e-mail and delete all copies from your system.

Nice touch, that Asshole Legalese fine print on the bottom. It gives me an authentic shudder of pure hatred which I am sure in a little old lady would translate to gullible idiocy and religious terror.

The game is afoot!

A study in contrasts: Off-script and on-script

2010-10-16T09:49:00.000-04:00

"Anna" responded with some wicked sack for a thieving scammer: "You are seriously ill. You are worthless. You are not the one I need..."

Vlads can get antsy when you don't follow the script. "Valeriya" in contrast sent me this:

Hello, my dear and beloved Tom!
How mood? What are you doing? What is interesting happened to you lately? I am fine!
I constantly think about us, about our future.
In the future I want to be your wife, my dear angel. When we meet in person in your country, we can further talk about our wedding.
My favorite, I thought long and afraid, but today I want to reveal to you my heart and soul!
I'm shy and I do not easily do so, but I plucked up courage and I want to tell you that I love you! Sympathy for you turned into a serious sense of the first to receive your letter. I can no longer keep my emotions under wraps.
You're courageous, gentle, kind, sympathetic person. I know I can rely on you in any difficult moment. I believed that I could find a man whose love for - real, so sincere and gentle. It turned out that you are the prince, whom I sought and finally found.
I hope you accept my feelings and add me. I thank you for what you have carefully read my letter and with trembling answered them. We tried to build a serious relationship, and this we have. We did a lot of steps to make our friendship turned into true love. Now there is the world's only you and me. I want our relations to develop further.
My dear Tom, for me love is something valuable, you need to protect throughout life. I love, and therefore I breathe. I want you by my side.
My precious Tom, I discovered you my heart and soul. I hope that you will not otvergnesh me! Please tell me how you feel? Are you ready to say that you love me?
Today, I spoke about our relationship mom and dad. They were very surprised, but at the same time, their eyes flashed joy for me, because they really wanted, so I was happy and found love. My dad, though good, but very fair and rigorous. He wanted to hear from me where you live, and how to continue our dialogue with you. I told my parents what you are good, interesting and caring people. My parents agreed that we have with you a lot in common, and wished us luck.
My dear Tom, please open your heart for me. Tell us about your feelings for me? Have any of your relatives, friends and acquaintances know about our relationship?
I look forward to your letter.
I love you!
Your, Valeriya.

Holy Jesus fuck. Emphases mine. Bear in mind that this entire amusing exchange is maybe 5 emails each so far, spanning less than a week. If my character is anything, he is a million frigging miles from gentle.

Response to "Swetlana"

2010-10-16T00:05:00.000-04:00

Her last letter.

I am very sorry to hear about the death of your dear parents. If only their deaths were compensated by being run off the road into a cotton candy factory. Then, my dear, your loss would become a noble and mighty gain.

Well, my life was pretty uneventful. I, like you, never had parents. Both parents died the night of my birth in a mysterious fire. I was raised by a distant relation. I was locked in a dark basement for the majority of my childhood, and still have problems controlling my bowels, etc. These things weigh on me. Sometimes I wake, in the dark, and discover myself caked with my own excrement and with a scream upon my lips.

Having been raised in isolation, I never gained the ability to speak or see in light. My eyes are very bad, and voices make no sense to me.

When I escaped my dark cavern, I fled to the wilderness and broke into a library. There, I taught myself the rudiments of civilization and literature. Oh how I escaped into the worlds of my favorite authors. I would curl up in the basement, next to the boiler, and read in the pitch black of a long winter's night.

One day the janitor discovered me. I could do nothing but bludgeon the poor man to death and dispose of him in the furnace. Yes, I wept, for I had recently discovered the works of St. Augustine and De Sade, and knew my actions to be irredeemably evil.

I decided, upon stuffing the last limb into the roaring fire, that I should live my life as a good man. A decent man.

I fled once again to the most distant and inhospitable clime known to man: Ohio. There I became a godly man, respected in his community, prize of the economy. I revolutionized the manufacture of buttons. People sought me for my wisdom.

Then a goddamn filthy whore ruined it all. It's still hard to speak about.

The last few years I have been lonely but for the innocent flesh of young hitchhikers. I and my Econoline van wander the country, stopping only to loose my bowels and dispose of meat.

Are you my future wife? Or are you a Chemus Witch?

All the world is green

2010-10-15T23:50:00.000-04:00

I responded to "Valeriya"'s last letter:

I my daily man-douche today and kept thinking of you. Your face was the face I saw in the vinegar solution. Your voice was the voice of the flowing water. You washed me of my sins.

After, I was a new man. A man with a mission: to make you my wife.

Yes, I trust you 100 percent or more if that were mathematically possible. Which I hear it is in certain parts of the world.

Last night I had a dream: I fell into the ocean and you became my wife. I risked it all against the sea to have a better life. A face forgave the mirror and a worm forgave the plow. Men did foolish things, you turned kings into beggars and beggars into kings. I ate a huge marshmallow and then woke up to find my pillow gone.

Pretend that you owe me nothing, and all the world is green. We can bring back the old days again, when all the world is green.

Valeriya, my sugar plum, my rhubarb cake, my dollop of vegan-friendly whipped cream substitute, my darling chunk of home-made organically-grown apple pie using no preservatives, my plate full of lutefisk, will you marry me?

Attached you will find a picture of me holding a dachschund on my head like a hat. [note: I did not attach a picture]

Svetlana's War and Peace

2010-10-15T14:16:00.000-04:00

"Svetlana" responded:

Hi my new friend !!! I am very pleased that you responded to my letter.
So you are interested to know me as well. I am very glad to this
event. I would like to know you more. But before that I would like to
tell you a little about me. I am a girl who searches for his true
love. I decided to apply to the Internet to find their happiness, the
man who will love and respect me. This is my first contact with a man
on the Internet. I have never been approached by internet dating in
the past. Therefore, I do not know where to begin a story about me,
but I'll try.

First, I would like to introduce myself. My name Swetlana. My height -
1.78 cm, and my weight - 50 kg. I was born on January 15, 1981. Now I
am 29 years old. When were you born? I live in is not a big city Asino,
who is in Russia. You have heard a lot about my country? I would like
to tell you a little about my city. Asino - a city in Russia,
administrative center Asinovski district, Tomsk region. Population
27,500. people. The city is located on the left bank of the river
Chulym River (Ob), in 109 km north-east of Tomsk. My city has many
cultural and architectural values. Many, monuments, sculptures,
theaters, and of course churches. I love my city because I was born
here and lived all my life! You'd tell me about your town? Where do
you live? Do you like your town?

Now, I would like to tell you a little about my life. From early
childhood, I had to live alone. I never saw my parents. Since they
have an accident when I was 2 years. The accident happened on the
track. My parents went to my grandmother in the village. On the way
they cut into a big machine. The bus, which drove my parents, left the
road, it overturned and they were killed. I do not even remember them.
I have never seen their faces. My grandmother just died, but when I
was 3.5 years. Then I had to live in an orphanage, because I was no
longer native people. Now, I'm all alone. I have no brothers and
sisters. I had a very difficult childhood. In our children's home was
a lot of children.

When I was 7 years old I went to school, which was near our childhood
home. I've always liked history. I always wanted to learn it. When I
turned 18 years old, I had to leave the orphanage. I'm in a world
where I had to do everything myself. I was so lonely. I had to look
for housing, work. I got a job. I was a clerk at the library. I very
much wanted to go to university. But I had no money. When I worked in
the library, I read a lot of books. And then I decided to go to
university. I am very lucky. I passed all my exams at the "excellent"!
I came to learn from a psychologist. However, I continued to work in
the library serves. I liked to study people's behavior. I liked to
help people in situations where they are bad when they need help. My
mother was a psychologist as well. I think it's my destiny to be a
psychologist.

When I graduated from university, I tried to find a job. But it was
not very easy. Since many organizations in Russia does not want to
take young people to work, because they believe that young people just
do not have experience. But after much searching, I decided to call my
children's house where I lived all my childhood and to offer them my
help in the upbringing of children. Director of the orphanage told me
that they were happy to take me to work. I was very glad of it. And
the past 2 years I worked as a psychologist in a children's home,
where I spent my whole life. I really enjoy helping children. After
all, they, as well as I now live without parents. I have for them as a
mother. I love children. I believe that children are the angels who
live with us on earth. In this life, I am looking for the man who
could I truly love and respect.

At this point I must finish my first letter to you. The next time I'll
tell you more about myself, about my work, about my hobbies and, of
course, the relationship that I seek. Please tell me a little about
you. Where do you work? What happens in your life? I am very curious
to find you. I am very interested in Internet communication, as it is
with me the first time.

I look forward to your next letter to me. Your new friend from Russia,
Swetlana.

P.S. By this letter I am attaching some photos of my life. From my
photos, you know what I like. My whole life is depicted in the photo.
I hope I like me you. Please send me your pictures as well.

Note: In the header there is "X-Mailer: Voyager (v3.99.8) Professional". This is another multiplexing mail program similar to the Bat!, used only by scammers and spammers. Don't feel mercy or pity, or I will sic the leeches on you.

A response from "Anna"

2010-10-15T12:17:00.000-04:00

"Anna" responded:

Hello Tom,
I have no time at work. I am "overwhelmed" with work). I just haven't enough
time to go anywhere after work. I hope you understand me?!
I'm writing you this short letter, so you don't lose me. I'm seriously to
everything. Just want to say that if you are looking for something
vulgar or you are not serious to such things as friendship,
relationship, then I ask you don't write me anymore.
You could write more about yourself))
Okay, I'll try to answer you soon ..
Sincerely Anna ..

Now you may think this is actually a real person. Yet I see in the header:
X-Mailer: The Bat! (v4.0.24) Professional. The Bat! is a multiplexing email program used only by spammers and scammers. Seeing The Bat! in combination with a claim to be using an internet cafe or such is a guaranteed indication of a scam. It is, beyond the textual clues of a scam, the largest evidence that you are dealing with a sweaty man named Ivan who would have no qualms about killing you and then raping you.

So I responded:

No. You tell me about yourself.

This whole thing will not get moving until you send me a picture of yourself fucking a bear.

Listen, meatpuppet. I love you. I want to insert myself in you. A hole is a hole. Is this too much to ask?

Do you want to come to America and service lumberjacks in my tree house, or not?

Everything goes to hell anyway. God's away on business and it's just you and me.

Sincerely hoping you come to America where I will come inside you,

Tom Waits

Very scary fish

2010-10-15T04:49:00.001-04:00

"Valeriya" responded to my last letter (emphasis mine):

Hello my dear Tom!
I got your letter, and my mood was even better. We are getting closer to each other. I can feel it. This is very good. I'm glad you understand me. Understanding and trust is one of the important criteria in a serious relationship. I think only of you. You do not go out of my head. I think of you at home, work, outdoors, gym, meeting with friends at the store. I do not forget about you for a minute. Our relationship has become something more serious than just friendship. Rereading your letter, I am increasingly convinced that we are approaching each other. Love - the purpose of our lives, and this unites us.
Very scary fish. I was scared. This tasty dish?
Once again, I want to say thank you for what you have not left my first letter without attention. I do not know what I would now do if you had not appeared in my life. After your appearance, my life has changed dramatically. I want to live and smile and enjoy every moment.
Last night, closing the eyes for a moment, I dreamed about you and me, about our meeting, about how wonderful it is when you're beside me, my dear angel Tom. We walk along the sandy beach. Hear the cry of gulls, where the distance. The sea is calm, and only occasionally the incident wave, which erases with you our footprints in the sand. You talk about how you love me that I really need you. Suddenly you find in the sand stone. It is very similar to the heart. We decided that this would be the mascot with you our love, originated at a great distance from each other. Breeze caresses us, developing my hair and I want to see these sweet and beautiful moments last forever. We tell, each other interesting stories and we think that time has stopped. You want to kiss me Tom. But, unfortunately, my sweet dreams about you, my dear friend broke the doorbell. My dad came home from work. I felt sad about the fact that you are not here with me. I am very happy that you are in my life. I want to be between us were just trust! I trust you a hundred percent. I'm sure I can rely on you, and if I need help, you're sure to help. During our conversation you proved to me that really appreciate our relationship. Now I'm sure a hundred percent that you are the person that I ever wanted.
Please tell me you trust me one hundred percent. Tell me what you feel?
Are you ready to build a serious relationship with me?
You can imagine our future life together?
Is it love? Waiting for your letter. Whole.
Your princess, Valeriya.

419eating themes

2010-10-15T00:59:00.001-04:00

I've been reading through the 419eater.com archives trying to find inspiration.

With the two new spamscammers, "Anna" and "Svetlana", I am trying Rule #13 of scamming: insanely impatient followups. A few short hours after the last emails I sent, I sent the following message to both:

It has been a few hours and no response. Why are you not responding to me? I feel lonely.

Heh. How do them apples taste? It's a refreshing change from Barrister Mbube Akwane sending 20 emails a day begging for a response.

Update: to "Anna" I just sent the following message (less than 5 minutes after the above message):

I am worried did something happen to you?

Two more spamscammers

2010-10-14T23:35:00.001-04:00

"Valeriya" is proving so much fun that I entered into conversation with two more spamscammers.

I got this in my spambox:

My name is Svetlana! I ask that you be careful! Please read my letter!
I want to find a loved one who was always by my side! The purpose of my writing - the beginning of correspondence with you! I'm ready to reveal to you their heart and soul! I need only serious relationship! I'm looking for a man aged 30-55. I want to leave you my personal email:
lisavipe@yahoo.com
Necessarily waiting for your answer! I am confident that we will get a lot of fun on our communication! I look forward to your reply. Your new friend Svetlana!

and I responded:

Today my loins sprung with happiness and joy. You are the woman I was looking for.

Is $10,000 enough for you to come to America and obtain a visa? I will also pay travel fees and pet quarantine for any goats or such you own.

I also received this in my spambox:

Hello! How are you getting on? My name is Anna.
Probably you are surprised to see my letter on your screen. To tell the truth I've never thought that I will write to the stranger. I was interested in it so that I decided to write to you. I took your E-mail in agency of acquaintances (marriage agency). I'm writing to you from agency and I haven't a lot of time because I should go for work. My girlfriend advised me to address in this agency . She has met her husband here. I am very happy for her, because she found person of her dreams.
The man which I would like to see with myself should be tolerant, polite in communication with people, clever, untrite. He should have good sense of humour. I think that beauty of the person's soul is more important than beauty of the body.
Now I have to go for work. However I would like to know more about you, about your ideas, life principles, your interests. If my message intrigued you write to me on my E-mail: volneyres@rambler.ru

As soon as possible I will reach up to the computer on the work or in the Internet club, I'll answer your letter and tell more about myself. I send you the photo and I hope you like it))) Of course I wait more your photos.

Have a good day!!!

and I responded:

My loins spring with glee upon this fateful day. I ejaculate my joy to the farthest mountains that you have contacted me.

As part of my work I have some iPhone4's that I don't use or want. I'll mail you a few if you wish. Talk about a smartphone which basically has AIDS.

Tracing the spamscammer using a monkfish

2010-10-14T13:25:00.002-04:00

I sent the following letter:

Hello my love.

I am working on the meal I will cook for you when you come to my country.

It is an honest and simple meal such as men make for the women they wish to make love to. A monkfish.

[url to an image of a monkfish on a server allowing me to see logs. You can see the image here] is taken from my expensive iPhone4 at the neighborhood fish market. Oh how the smells there remind me of you.

Speaking of which, have you received the vagisil and dried mice yet?

The Poem was a hit

2010-10-14T11:49:00.000-04:00

It responded [emphases mine] to my last letter with:

Hello my dear Tom!
Today I am especially pleased to receive your letter. Thank you for not forgetting about me.
I woke up very early to rush to work. The clinic where I work has begun repairs, and gave me a new, cozy room. It is much more than what was before. Now we have to bring it in-house in order. Paint the walls, ceilings, doors, wash windows. Then, we promised to give new furniture that will be more suitable for examination of infants. If you knew how glad I am such changes on their work. Indeed, in the new cabinet would be much nicer to receive and treat young children.
Thank you for the beautiful poem. I really liked it. I am very happy that you're near me. I want to develop our relations.
All employees in the workplace feel changes in me and it really is. I began to smile more to care for yourself, attend almost every day a gym and swimming pool. I saw the light in this dark and gray world, I realized that I needed to live and move forward. We are now very good friends and maybe even more than just friends. You became for me a very expensive man. I know that you always help me in difficult moments and share my happiness. I believe in you 100! You became my best friend, and I'm proud of it!
I am ready to open to you all my secrets, because during our conversation, we very well know each other. Now we need to continue to live and look only forward, not stopping at any step.
I smile and seemingly everything is fine, just a pity that you're not around. I thank my lucky stars that we met on the Internet. And even though we far apart, I feel you, my dear friend. You became for me a part of my life. I can not live without you. We have never seen in real life, but I feel your warmth and kindness of your heart.
My friend, I always dreamed about the perfect family. I believe that such can be called a family in which there is peace and tranquility, love, understanding and loyalty. The ideal family is one in which a man protects, appreciates and supports all your woman. Even now, I present to you next to me and I think you're just so, my dear friend Tom - tender and gentle, courageous and trustworthy, faithful and sincere. That such a man, I would like to see in the role of her husband. I'm glad you're with me, and our communication does not end there. Now we need to communicate and develop our relations in order to understand whether we are approaching each other. I hope that everything will be fine.
Please tell us your thoughts about our friendship? What do you see the ideal family? Do not hide anything from me. Believe me, I would like to know your opinion on this matter!
On it I finish my letter.
I look forward to an answer. Kisses, my dear Tom.
Your friend, Valeriya.

Ongoing Saga of a Russian Spamscam Attempt on Me, Update 4

2010-10-14T02:04:00.000-04:00

I responded to the last letter:

When it comes to religion I have a very simple philosophy. An honest faith. It is not much but it lets me resist the temptations of the flesh.

Those temptations. Gosh they just come up on you while you're pumping gas and then you realize just how sensual that gas nozzle is. My, the hours I have worn blisters on my fingers rubbing my Hail Maries out.

My simple faith is based on the saintly properties of Joe Pesci. Fellow Pescitarians meet in Der Waffle House every Tuesday morning and recite our weekly Acts of Bravery. While drinking the simple, honest coffee, we hear each other tell tales of what they did that week to resist the forces of Marlon Brando. It is a time of laughter and a time of sadness. Each Wafflechat we grow a little more as people. At the end of each Wafflechat we go to the zoo and give cigarettes to the monkeys. This is the Communion of the Pescitarians.

I am pleased to see that you are not a godless heathen. I have heard tales, woeful tales, of Russian atheism. I once heard from a reliable source, "Trouble Man", that in Soviet Russia a man can actually be believed in by his religion. I was horrified, to say the least, and immediately broke a bottle of Thunderbird over his head.

This sentence no verb, my love. My sugar pie. My adorable steamed dumpling. My ball of moist mozzarella. My crumbling flecks of blue cheese. My, I dare say, can of Hormel refried beans.

I wrote a poem about you today. It expresses my feelings for you. I hope you like it.

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
who stood on boxes in the winter sun and scream forgiveness
  Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
chased our pleasures here, dug our treasures there
All mimsy were the borogoves,
break
          that
                beat
                       down
  And the mome raths outgrabe.
Now we must come together
all of us in amber fields of grain
and tear the roof off that mothertrucker
tear the roof off that suckah
Valeriya cha cha cha
HEY-O

Ongoing Saga of a Russian Spamscam Attempt on Me, Update 3

2010-10-14T01:43:00.000-04:00

I got this today, subject "I believe in you!". Emphasis mine.

Hello, my dear friend Tom.
I really missed you. Now, when I finally got to internet cafe and read your letter on my face began to smile, and fatigue was gone. I want to smile with happiness around the world. How is your day? I hope you all well.
How's your weather?
I have no photos of the cat in the hat. I am very sorry that in the past you have had problems, but now, okay? I pray to God about your health.
Last night I was looking forward to today, to write to you.
My friend Tom, today I would like to talk to you about religion. I believe that people should choose their own path of faith, but because we all believe in something.
Since childhood, my mother and I attend a small church, which is located in the heart of our city. Our religion - Orthodox Christianity. My dad believes in God and tries to attend church on the weekends with us. But the Pope does not always work, because he was often on Saturdays and Sundays, is engaged in the home with the children who fall behind in their studies. But I do not blame them. In my opinion, as long as people believe in the soul.
Every church in our country - a place where people can come to seek in prayer to God. Church attended mostly by women.
Each temple - is the cultural value of the city. In our city, three temples. They are very beautiful. I like a clear day you watch the sun plays in the gold-domed churches. I love to watch, standing in the temple, to see how attending the liturgy. I love to watch without the hassle of priests read prayers, and all actions occur one after the other without any unnecessary movements and reminders. But if so it would be in life, everyone would know their place and purpose in this world and would walk to the designated purpose, then it would be much simpler. On the ground, there would be no evil, calculating, greed and deception. All people would love each other and helped each other. I believe that mutual aid gives rise to high emotions. "Help your neighbor, and fate will reward you" - this is the true words of wisdom.
My dear friend Tom, tell me, do you believe in God?
You know, during the time that we speak, I realized that you are very interesting, thoughtful and intelligent man. I'm glad we found each other in this vast world. Perhaps we are two halves that are looking for each other all their lives. Thank you for what you came into my life. I have a dream that we will be together.
Sometimes, I dream in the evenings, eyes closed, I imagine my future family, my man, exactly the perfect, quiet life situation, about which I dreamed all my life. And I think that you could be just the perfect man, Tom!!! I believe in our relationship! I believe in true love!
I finish my letter and still think of you, my dear friend.
Please do not forget about me. I look forward to your every letter.
Your best friend in Russia,
Valeriya.

Ongoing Saga of a Russian Spamscam Attempt on Me, update 2

2010-10-13T00:23:00.001-04:00

I got this today:

Hello, my dear friend Tom!
How are you? How's your mood? I was very bored when I do not read your letter. Your mail always brings me joy. Every morning I think about you. Thank you, that continue to respond to my letters. I am very pleased that we have the opportunity to know each other better.
Today at work a very busy day. So many children come to vaccination. I see the joy in the eyes of their parents. I am very happy that I can help children.
On the street fine weather. As the weather in your town, my friend?
Write and tell me what time of year you prefer. I am most sympathetic to the summer and fall. Summer beckons me their sunny days, bright green trees, fragrant flowers and bright colors of autumn foliage of trees, which are prepared to sleep the winter sleep. And in the summer and fall, I love to go on vacation. In Russia, everyone is trying to go on vacation it is in these times of year to afford to rest on the sea. But I'm at sea has never been. Each of my vacation place in my small town. I can not afford to get out on a romantic holiday. But I would really like to meet a dawn over the sea or even on the river with you, my dear friend, have fun splashing in the waves of the morning, as tears of pure water. Who knows, maybe this is what lies ahead? At this stage we need to know each other closer and develop our relations. I am very glad that I have such a wonderful friend, Tom.
Yesterday, I met a friend at the store. Her name is Ekaterina. I told him that we write to. Up to this point no one knew that I had such a wonderful friend who is so far away from me. I told Ekaterina, that I really like you, and that to me is very easy to communicate with you. Ekaterina was happy for me. She wants me to be happy. Ekaterina sends you greetings. It is the only person who now knows about you.
My dear friend, I have this letter I want to tell you my address. Perhaps in the future we will be able to write to each other not just emails. Especially in life there are different situations, and an Internet connection may not always be affordable and sustainable.
My personal data:
Country - Russia;
City - Kaluga;
Postal Code - 248013;
Street - Nikitina 12, apartment 17.
Name - Valeriya;
Surname - Shipiguzova.
Please send me your address too. For our communication is very important.
Home with their parents, we have prepared a delicious dinner, followed by telling how the day passed and the plans for the coming weekend. This is a very entertaining job.
My dear, Tom, tell me please about your family in more detail. You love your family? How and where you and your family spend your holidays?
I often think how wonderful it is that my parents are healthy. I try they are always around to help. After all, they are the people closest to the child. Parents gave us life, education, training and lifelong learning are trying protect us. But there comes a time when our care of them should become more visible to the eye, so that parents have seen that with the approach of old age, they become a closer and dearer to us.
I often think of my childhood. In my eyes there are those moments in life when my parents went to come to our town circus. I first saw an elephant, and dad told me a story about how far away these animals live, and what benefits they bring to people living near them. Parents raised me to love animals. I have often seen how a mother, when it comes to her work in the clinic for animals. Mom told me that the animals get sick just like humans and they also need our care. Compassion, empathy, sincerity and desire to help someone who is in trouble - these are the qualities that brought me to my parents. Perhaps this has helped me in choosing my profession. I am very proud of it.
All my friends tell me that I am very sincere, kind and honest man. I hate oppression and deceit and try to make some of my friends were too honest, decent people. My friend, I believe that in future I will find a man who will love and respect me. Who knows, maybe this person will be just you, Tom?
Tell me more about you. Are you romantic? In the future I want to be on an uninhabited island, where we will be only you, me and the sea. But while this is all just a dream.
I really like to know you more and more. C I am looking forward to your letter. Write to me. I kiss you.
Your friend, Valeriya.

Attached was a picture of a model holding a very fluffy cat. I responded:

That is a very fluffy cat. I have mailed you a box of catnip, three dried mice, and a tube of Vagisil. I don't know when you will be getting them because as we both know the Russian government is a land of thieves and university students.

Please send me a picture of your cat wearing a hat. It would mean a great deal to me, as my life was once saved by a very dapper cat who wore a fedora. It is a long story and involves yakuzi crime bosses.

Today was a bit hotter than normal for this time of year, so I shaved off all my body hair and carefully put it in a dated mason jar in my attic. Maybe, my love, you will see or even contribute to my collection!

Other than that my hammer's hanging high and proud today.

Ongoing Saga of a Russian Spamscam Attempt on Me, update

2010-10-11T21:04:00.001-04:00

Earlier today I emailed the spamscammer with:

I am wearing a pair of bear-foot slippers, striped stockings (orange
and purple), a black speedo (stuffed with a sock), a very puffy pirate
shirt with ruffled chest, a yellow cape, and a top hat. Oh, and
dishwashing gloves.

I am smoking a fine cigar and thinking about the Armenian Holocaust.

It reminded me of you. What are you wearing?

I got this [emphasis mine] today, in response to my last letter:

Hello, my dear friend Tom!
I am very glad to see again your letter. I smile in my heart there is hope for the best. Thank you for not disregard my letter to you. If you knew how important it is for me. I would really like to know you closer.
How is your mood Tom? What is your weather like today? What interesting situation occurred today with you? Tell me, please. I want to know how is your day, my friend? Are you happy today?
Thank you for your patriotic message. I am very glad that you are ready to fight crime, it is very important. I am very happy that we met and we can develop our relations.
Yesterday, after work, I decided to join the group on learning oriental dance. Dancing will not only allow me to enjoy spending their free time, but I also can keep your body toned. I think every woman should keep a good figure to please the man who loves her. As a child I too had to dance. Mum gave me to learn "good" move in six years. I even took part in the concerts, which took place in our school. I was dancing fast and slow dances. I really like the waltz and tango. You know how to dance the waltz, my friend?
And how you loved to do as a kid? What music do you listen to? Under what kind of music you like to move? I love the energetic music in the style of pop. But more preference is given to classical music. Classical music calms, gives the opportunity to relax. No wonder they say that the classical music person attends an inspiration.
My day, as usual, very busy. Today I got up at five in the morning, made breakfast, did my morning exercises, took douche and decided to walk to work on foot, but usually I go by bus. A walk in the fresh air, especially in the morning, well to health. Immunity becomes stronger. A friend of mine, and you take care of their health?
You see, I'm asking you a professional question. It's all because I really love my job. Treatment of children - it is a responsible job. But I love children and I really like to help them.
My working day is divided into two halves. One afternoon I accept the sick and healthy children in the clinic. Sick children, I write prescriptions, and establish the date of next appearance in the clinic. Healthy children I measure height, weight, checking breathing, and they're happy to return home with their parents.
In the afternoon I go to children whose parents called me in advance, by appointment. Usually this is a very sick children. They have a very high temperature, they can not go out. So I go to their homes and prescribing medication, which must help them.
I try to do everything to have a good treatment, and their immunity was stronger. After all, children - the color of life and we must protect them and care for them. Children are the angels who live near us. We should give children a brighter future.
My working day ends at six o'clock in the evening.
Dear friend, tell me about your work. Do you think your profession with your vocation?
Please do not hesitate to tell me all about you. Any story from your life I will be very interesting.
Unfortunately, my time in iternete cafe over. I must go. Once again I want to thank you for something you never forget about me and give me happiness with your letters.
I look forward to your new email to me.
Your friend, Valeriya.

Ongoing Saga of a Russian Spamscam Attempt on Me

2010-10-11T00:12:00.002-04:00

I received this in my inbox a while ago, somehow getting past gmail's spamblock:

Hello dear sir. Please, dont delete move off this letter as it is not a spam-postings. This letter deals with reviews the problem issue of love affairs and shows ways technics of solving it.I am an agent representative of an independent organization institution Find your true love and become happy. Our organization institution specializes in searching seeking love partners all over the world from different places countries of our planet world.
We have possess an email-base which includes contains more than 100 000 email addresses of men and women from all over the world. Our organization institution is non-commercial and provides gives absolutely free freeby service. Organization company Find your true love and become happy is volunteer and our aim goal is only to satisfy meet your necessities lacks of life. You have searched looked for your true love all your life but havent found?
WE WILL HELP ASSIST YOUR TO FIND YOUR REAL FORTUNE. Our system of email-postings chose find your email automatically, thats why youve received got this letter. Here you can see review a short autobiography of a girl who wants dreams to find her love heart + her photo. We hope you will send post your answer to this girl her email is given as well and you two can build truly indeed strong relations. We wish you good luck god-sped! Be happylucky, love and be loved in return!
Letter is attached:

My name is Valeriya. I’m 34. I wasn’t married and have no children. I do not smoke or use any alcoholic beverages. I am young and patient, aim-oriented lady. I am sure that the best criteria of any person is respect towards everybody else.
In my free time, I practice sport or go jogging in the park. I am a very romantic person indeed. Sometimes I close my eyes and go daydreaming. You will think now – why has this woman written me a message, she has everything!. My life lacks the best feeling. I am single .
I am lonely and get frozen because of this emptiness in my life. I see the sunset every day and ask God to send me a real love.
In my country the 90% of men want to have a woman in order to humiliate her. That is why I have decided to try my fortune by the means of the Internet. I have not done it before, but now I have this opportunity and hope that some of my angels will help me. If you are interested in my personality, send me your e-mail, send me a response. I want to get to know you. I am searching for a boyfriend to bring this fullness and completeness into my life. I want to divide everything with the one I will love!

Please write me only on my personal e-mail - beautyvaleriya@yahoo.com

In the following e-mails I will tell you more about me and my life. For sure, you will see lots of my pictures, where you will see me and get to know my lifestyle. These pictures will reveal me different – happy, pensive and sad sometimes. If you read my message, I get a possibility to hope for love! I am looking forward to your message. I really want to know more about you.
Remember of me.
Your new pen-friend,
Valeriya.

I replied:

Are you email for to make connect with my soul? I want so much for
lonely interstellar vacuum that is heart to find planet or binary
system. Tundra daydreams I know but the ape in me shouts in loneliness
too. Life for the making good happiness. Body for the loving. Tongue
for the licking.
etc.
?

I am a man. An alive person with testicles and the hunger for
adventure. I have a cat. A kitten also, you will one day meet them and
laugh such.

This is my cat. I know her.

Uh I basically don't think that there can be such as true love there's
usually a large porpoise somewhere hella angry at me for eating his
fritattas,

Oh how the days go by when you are having Fun. Oh how people smile, oh
how they laugh. We can Laugh too.

Love is like... love is a bit like basketball. I am there, and the
other person is there, and I put myself inside them, and I am the
winner.

Man, what people got to realize is that love is life, and life is
freedom. Freedom to do things. Things like buy the perfectly preserved
body of Orson Welles and drink champagne out of its head. Things like
throwing a party inside a bathroom. We have life, we have feet, we
should use these things. These things are good.

I got a long and rambling letter (complete with model photos) completely disregarding that insanity:

Hello, my new friend.
I am very pleased that you are not disregarded my letter. In my heart I was hoping that you answer me. I read your letter, and there were sparks of joy in my eyes. We will be able to know each other closer, although the Internet dating for me is something new. The first time I ran into an acquaintance of people over the Internet, it's hard to begin his story about myself, but I'll try. My name you already know. My name is Valeriya, for friends just Lera. I was born in an ordinary Russian family in the city of Kaluga. My date of birth June 3, 1976. Now I'm 34 years old. I live with their parents, I have no brothers and sisters. I am an only child. My height - 1.72 cm and weight 55 kg. I have no bad habits, I do not drink alcohol and never tried drugs - it's not in my rules. I am very sympathetic, affectionate, gentle and sociable girl. Really appreciate in a person a sense of humor and sympathy.
I live in Russia. Russia is one of the most ancient countries, the rich variety of cultural and architectural values. I grew up in a small town. Its name - Kaluga. My hometown is located in central Russia. The population of my city of about 300,000 people. The city is situated on the banks of the Oka River near Yachenki 190 km southwest of Moscow. Kaluga is known that from 1892 to 1935 in Kaluga, lived and worked for a prominent inventor, theorist Konstantin Tsiolkovsky Astronautics. In this regard, the flag of the city and on the full Coat of Arms is the first Soviet satellite. Almost like all cities in Russia, my home town is rich in cultural and architectural values. The city is decorated with a large number of monuments, museums and beautiful architectural buildings.
You can see some lovely photos of my city in this letter.
Just wanted to tell you a little about my parents. My mom name is Anastasia, she was 55 years old. She is beautiful, kind woman. Mom worked as a veterinarian in a clinic for animals in our city. She loves animals, and gave them to treat more than 25 years. Despite his busy schedule, because treatment of animals is a very important lesson and takes a lot of time and effort, my mother was able to raise in me a real woman - smart, kind, honest and fair.
My dad - this is a very beloved by me man. His name is Vladimir. Pope 57 years. He works as a teacher. My dad is very responsible and fair people. I am very grateful to parents who have given birth to and nurtured me as I am.
Looking in my childhood, I remember with great joy the day when I went to first grade. I was 7 years old. I went to a classroom where a teacher was my father. I like it very much. Because I loved and love my dad. I tried to learn, so dad could set me up as an example to other students in our class. And I have it good at. After high school for good, I decided to follow my mother's footsteps and enrolled in medical school. I really enjoyed being a student. Student Life - this is a very fun time. Time when you can express yourself and show their abilities. I met many interesting people, learned that was not previously known to me. Graduated, I became a children's doctor - a pediatrician. I found it difficult to find a job, because in Russia is not appreciated by young professionals. I was looking for a long time, and finally, luck smiled at me. I found work in the children's clinic where I work now. Treatment of young children is my calling. I love children and are always happy to come to their aid. My friend, you love children?
You're probably surprised that I write to you, because in my life it would seem everything is fine? But it is not. I am very lonely and solitary man could not be happier. I'm looking for someone who would understand, love and respect me and what I do. My heart is free, and by this I am unhappy. My friend, perhaps you just someone who can ignite the spark of happiness in my heart. Please tell me a story about themselves. Do you work? How is your life? What do you like doing in your spare time? Tell me about the place where you live? You're looking for a serious relationship? I am very interested to know you. I'm wondering Internet communication, as it is with me first.
I look forward to your new email to me.
Your new friend Valeriya.

I replied:

I am pleased that you are such a beautiful tower. Especially at night.
The light hits your windows and makes magic.

I am learning Russian! Let's talk in Russian!

Я хочу так неудачу иметь секс с вашим ишаком. Очень плох. Oh дорогой
лорд я ударил бы того осла в биении сердца. Я хочу прийти на всем ваши
тучные губы, и после этого душу бездомную персону. Мой русский
хороший?

I will be reading Dostoyevsky in the original, one of these days.

If you have your rabies shots, I will marry you for only $10,000.
Please send a picture of a pond (with ducks, of course), and I will
send you my banking details.

It replied, completely ignoring all this madness except for an oddly lucid request regarding what the hell I was talking about with bank details:

Hello, my dear friend Tom.
Thank you, that reacted with understanding to my letter. I am waiting for your answer. I am very pleased that we have the opportunity to continue communication. So we know each other closer.
In Russia, the weather is good, which gives me a smile. How's your weather, my friend? What are you doing? I hope you feel fine.
Why do I need your bank details? I want to find true love.
Your Russian in a very poor level. Need to learn. I'm ready to be your personal teacher in the future.
Today I would like to tell you about how I spend my spare time.
I wrote to you that I live in a small town. People in my town holy to keep old traditions of passing them from generation to generation.
Since childhood, I carried away the fine arts, painting. I really like to visit the exhibition of paintings at the museum in our city. I've read the literature about the artists of different eras. I really like portraiture, but I'm happy to allow myself to be dissolved and the beauty of the landscape.
Unfortunately, I can not afford to go to an art gallery in Moscow or St. Petersburg, and about the exhibitions held in other countries, there can be no question. Salaries of doctors in Russia are so small that it does not give me this opportunity. And I would really like to see and enjoy original works of art on display in museums in Europe. But alas, this is still my dream. I also love listening to classical music. I think that classical music not only soothes the body and soul. Of the classics I like Mozart, Bah, Tchaikovsky. Of course, I have other hobbies.
I grow various plants and flowers. I am already 14 varieties. Flower room, so for them is not difficult to maintain. All the colors are different, but each - its beautiful and attractive. Some of the plants delight me with their beautiful buds during flowering. Do you like flowers? I would really like you to see my collection of plants and flowers. My friends give me flowers for different holidays, so I think that soon I have to become even bigger. The most beautiful flower, I would like to give you at our meeting, unless, of course, it will take.
I also love to cook. I myself come up with new dishes and trying to bring them to reality. My mom and dad often my taste the culinary works. Always speak only positively. I hope that in future I will treat you to the most favorite dish. Its name until I leave in secret, so for you it was a surprise. But can say only one thing that you will enjoy!
I am active in sports, I try to keep one's figure and keep myself in shape. In the morning I was doing aerobics, stretching, and in the evening, if possible go to the gym or pool.
In the summer I like to go into the woods, sometimes on a bicycle. Walking in the woods, listening to the birds singing, listening to the wind rustling in the trees as the sun's rays breaking through the fluffy paws firs and pines. It's so beautiful. Do you love nature, my friend Tom?
Together with parents, we collect berries and mushrooms, of which then prepare a delicious piece and in the winter treats guests. Have you ever tried the "Russian pickles?
In the summer I like to sunbathe on the beach. We leave the river or lake. When I am on the river, I remember childhood days when we came here to swim with my parents and my father taught me to swim.
I've never been at sea. Going to the sea - this is my dream. Perhaps in the future we will be on vacation together? I want to feel the soft waves, the smell of the crystal sea and the sound of the surf.
I want to know you closer, my friend. I have never traveled outside of Russia. In the future I would like to travel outside the country - it is my fondest dream. I would like to learn the culture and way of life in other countries, the mentality of people, because it is so interesting.
In winter time, my parents go skiing in the grove, which is close to home. I like the pleasant fatigue, the exercise in the fresh air comes in the body. Usually in the winter, next to our house a skating-rink and kids have fun frolic in the fresh, winter air, skating. After a winter walk, we drink hot tea with biscuits, which I pre-bake. Please tell us about his favorite time of year?
Friends say that I am a very kind, intelligent, sensual and honest girl. I have a very soft character. I love my friends, but there turns out very rarely. I work a lot. Do you have friends with whom you have a good time, my friend Tom?
I am kind, intelligent parents. I am working on the excellent work - flying children. But in my life is not a man who would love me with all my heart and respect. I'm looking for love without deceit and mistrust. I just want to build a serious relationship.
Please tell me more about yourself. What do you enjoy? What do you expect from our acquaintance? How are your days Tom? It seems to me that we're very similar and can find a common language. True?
Unfortunately, now I must finish my letter. My time in Internet cafes come to an end. I look forward to your new email to me, Tom! I would really like to see your pictures. Please send them to me, okay? Very important for me your letters. I want to learn you closer and develop our relations.
Your friend, Valeriya.

I responded:

I invented a type of cutting board and run a chain of franchise
restaurants called Top of The Food Chain. We serve things like
cilantro-infused ape, fresh abalone, living octopus, and vat-grown
human thigh meat. The thing about my cutting boards is that they do
not hold DNA evidence.

About my childhood, what is there to say? Things were rough. I was
born on the New Jersey Turnpike, in a muddy ditch. No, it wasn't one
of those things where the mother is poor and must give birth anywhere.
She just wanted me to have a cool story about being born on the side
of the NJ Turnpike in the early morning lull of traffic.

Things were so rough, I never had pets. Only animals that I would name
before having to kill and eat them. I fondly remember Dinner and
Lunch. They were ducks. I remember they tasted good.

Things were so rough, I had to sell one of my kidneys at the age of 4.
The money went towards rent. My parents were always strict, and there
was no other way I could afford that month's rent.

Things were so rough, I once got a letter from a Somalian boy my age
which included a Mars Bar and a bag of rice. Suzanne Summers once sent
me a signed photo of herself eating a ham hock.

Oh, there were good times. There was that time my collie warned my
parents that I was trapped in the well. We loved that collie, her name
was Thanksgiving. There was that time, hah, our local restaurant hired
out a greasemonkey and he would tell me about cars in his office (the
bathroom). He used to be able to fix anything by hitting it with his
fist. "HEEEY" he was so cool. I remember once going to a show next
door, my neighbor Wilbur taught his horse how to talk. Oh, and that
time a few of my friends and I went hiking along the railroad tracks
to find a dead body of a kid older than us before the neighborhood
tough guys got to it. I remember all of them, sometimes, and a tear
drips from my eye. Teddy, now he was a tough guy...

When I got older, I discovered that there was a lucrative business to
be made in real estate. I would put on some sturdy boots such as men
wear, and go stalking through wetlands to find rare insects. Then I
would tell the owner of the land that I would send evidence of this
rare species to the Environmental Protection Agency unless I received
money. Oh, this is how I afforded my first car. A DeLorean. It ran
well, but the flux capacitor was a bit wonky and kept giving off
smelly neutrino emissions.

Later I went to college and majored in Ultraviolence. I remember my
professors, Manson and Gacy and Dahmer and Gein. Old Gein, he was a
funny guy. He used to make really good sausages, and attach little
name tags to them. "HELLO MY NAME IS Steven"

After college, things got settled down. I married an Amish woman and
had 12 children with her. We had a good decade together before she and
my children died in a terrible gunfight. Our family was always very
strict about settling arguments with gun battles.

A widower, I resolved to travel. I went to Japan and made some money
selling fake Kobe beef. I went to Nigeria and became a mercenary for
Americans desiring "419 Justice" on those guys. Oh, the tattoos and
ritualistic mutilation! Those were fun times.

After a while it became boring. I was rich, without cares, white, and
well endowed. But I didn't have a direction in life. You know how that
is, swinging your dick in increasingly fancy and pompous circles while
inwardly wondering why you bothered to wake up.

I went into the Adult Film Industry. Hunter S. Thompson and I pooled
some of our money together and we made Soft Boy a household name.
Well, that soured when our lead, Rod Huggins, got AIDS from his pool
boy and died somewhere in Sri Lanka.

I was without direction once again. I went back to Africa and did
terrible things to giraffes. I wrote a few international bestselling
children's books. I did captions for the Spice Channel. I dabbled in
painting and music.

I did a collaborative project with Klaus Nomi and Tom Waits. It was
like We Are the World, but with black latex suits and accordians and
an act that included a live pig being shaved. You can still find tapes
of it in Siberia, I am told.

Nowadays, I am pretty much settled down. I have a patio on which I
hold parties. I have a couple fridges full of crispy Stellas. I have a
guy in Sierra Leone who handles my exotic meat supply. Sometimes we
party, sometimes we just stand around and talk about the good old
rough days. I don't visit Mark Twain much anymore. It's been a while
since I talked to Lonis Edison.

Basically what I'm saying is that it's time for me to experience the
full sensuality of a Russian woman.

It, completely and utterly oblivious to the SPARTA of this letter, responded:

Hello, my dear friend Tom!
I am very pleased to read your new letter. I am very pleased that you did not forget about me. I am glad that we can know each other closer. In recent years, getting your letters, I began to smile.
How are you? What new has happened to you? How mood? How's your weather? I hope you are fine!
Yesterday after work I decided to clean up the bookcase. Examining the book, I looked through those I have read, and those that I still read it, I put on a separate shelf. I like reading books. Reading the book can be a good idea to spend your free time. And if the product I will seem very exciting, I can afford to dream and imagine yourself in the place of the main characters. Do you like reading books, my dear friend Tom? Books, which authors do you like Tom? I'll try to find the books you read, and he brought them to my collection.
I also love to read the works of love, in which the hero of the novel loves, respects, worships his chosen one, carry her in his arms. Novels about a beautiful love always attracted me. But, unfortunately, in my life I was not able to meet someone who would love me without looking, without lies and deceit, making my life a fairy tale. Who knows, maybe you're exactly the man I was waiting and waiting while our hearts to beat in unison? Time will tell.
Four years ago, by accident, a bus, driving to work, I met with a man. He offered to meet me after work. He seemed a very decent and well-mannered. I agreed. In the evening we strolled in the park, talked, looked at each other's eyes and it seemed to me that I fell in love at first sight. Then he vanished, and rang me just after three days, suggesting once again to meet me after work. We have a great time, went to a cafe, walking the city at night, even greeted the dawn of the River. He promised to get me from the sky a star, but then again disappeared, and the long time I have heard nothing about it. But some time later he called and told me that we can no longer occur. He has a child and a beloved wife, who learned about our meeting with him. He said that he leave his wife he can not, because it is in its full content. It turned out that his wife works a lot and he was looking for entertainment on the side. This was fun I am. Even now, when I am writing this letter to my eyes with tears. I am very sad that 90 of Russian men behave this way, not respecting women. I no longer trust men. But now, I decided to try again. After all, there can be such that all the men on the planet Earth is equally cynical, selfish and calculating. I hope that this time the luck will smile to me, and I find the constant love - someone who will respect me and not only use for their purposes.
Many Russian men drink alcohol, beat their wives do not care for the children to drop out of women to their fate. Not for nothing that the Russian saying - "a Russian woman in burning house and will stop a galloping horse." This suggests persistence and willpower of Russian women.
My friend, do you ever loved? What do you expect from our dialogue? I want to know you more and see how our relations are becoming warmer. Please tell me about your past relationships Tom.
Please do not forget about me. I am waiting for your new letter, as the birds are waiting for the sun early spring morning.
Your friend, Valeriya.

I responded:

Today was a good day. I spent the day reminiscing about those innocent
moments before the brutal murder of both my parents.

We were at the theater. The show was a dark one, full of sound and
shadow and justice.

I remember a "Hush..." and then a gunshot. My life would be forever
altered. My faithful butler raised me as his own, giving me the love I
could not get from my late parents. I mastered martial arts and the
art of detection. I spent time abroad while my family fortune
prospered under the good hands of my father's best friend.

I vowed to fight crime in the night, in the dark, in the shadows. I
vowed to wear my underpants on the outside.

So what I'm basically saying is that I am fully prepared to accept the
voluptuous sensuality of a Russian woman.

I'll keep posting new exchanges as they occur. This is very fun.

A nameless kitten

2010-10-06T02:04:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago, my cat gave birth to a bizarre litter of one. The kitten looks exactly like the father, the only tomcat she has ever seen in person: orange cream, blobs of orange like a Holstein cow.

The kitten has a monopoly on the milk, and has been growing at a terrifying pace. Soon it will become a gigantic ball of orange fluff, consuming all in its path as it makes its way to Mexico.

I still haven't decided on a name for it. Raymond Quentin Smuckles, Cthulhu, Orson Welles, El Luchador Del Gato Gordo, Klaus Nomi's Receding Hairline, etc. I have to wait for his personality to develop. Right now, it is eclipsed by his alarming obesity and fluffiness. These things must settle down, like the descending bubbles in a Guinness.

The kitten proves my cat is in fact a cat and not a wildebeest in a disguise. It has awakened feline responses I didn't know she had. When you reach toward the kitten, she will do an aikido drop and plop down right between your hand an the kitten. This move is accompanied by a plaintive howl of shock that you are trying to touch her offspring. I think it's for show, though, as she immediately relents and starts preening him for his audience.

I am now about 5 years into the Achewood archives. I should know a good name for this kitten. I should know these things. I will have to remember that I only have to remember.

Annoying two weeks

2010-09-22T08:02:00.000-04:00

I had a service switch order from my power company issued on August 27th.

On September 1, they came and shut off the power in the name of the last tenant here. Sitting in the dark, I called them. "Oh, I don't know why they would do that. The earliest we can send someone out is on the eighth." I pointed out that only the maintenance guy has access to the meter in the basement, and that they need to call both myself and the landlady.

So I waited for a week in increasingly Roast Beef darkness. They showed up without calling, waited outside the locked door, and then left. I called up, and found that the moron had specifically overridden the automatic preparatory phone call. "Oh, I don't know why they would do that. It's right in the service order. Odd."

"We have an opening tomorrow and monday. [clickety] no, tomorrow is booked. [clickety] no, monday is booked. We can come back on the 15th."

I was now in white hot shaking goddamn fury.

They came back on the 15th, calling this time. And the maintenance guy didn't have the key. I called. "The report says they waited while he searched through, he counted, 50 keys on a huge keychain. We can schedule it for tomorrow."

So I waited all day on thursday. No dice, no show. I called and was told it was only "reissued" and got some bullshit about Buffalo power outages.

On Friday they showed up but didn't call. At this point I was one cigarette away from tearing open a hole in the scrotum of the next National Grid employee I saw and stuffing it full of rocksalt.

I called. "Sorry, but we can't reschedule until you can guarantee us access."

"What the hell does that mean? You have access if and only if you fuckheads manage to call beforehand. Which you do not do."

"You need to ensure that we will have access to the meter."

"So I need to call my landlady and say, 'have the guy be there at noon' then call you guys and say 'be there at noon'?"

"No, we can't specify a time like that. It will be any time between 8 and 5."

"Fat lot of good that did you assholes every other time before. So he needs to be here all day and hope you pigfuckers show up?"

"We just need to have access. You'll have to work it out yourself before calling back."

So I called my landlady, and she told me to just reschedule and tell them I will give them access.

I was able to reschedule it for monday, between 8 and 10 a.m. Called the landlady, the maintenance guy would be here during that time. The ONLY possible way National Grid could fuck things up would be by not showing up at all. Which they'd already done.

On monday, they showed up without calling, got access, and turned it on. They turned on the power they were not supposed to have turned off in the first place, after more than 2 weeks.

This is it. After ritualistically mutilating the management of National Grid and their children using highly energetic gerbils, I'm building a Tesla Coil to energize the Heaviside Layer. Then, I will tell them I want a month free power.

Oh. My sleep schedule during these two weeks went odd. I shifted into something like SPAMAYL, but more regular. It's the only way to deal with being on a polyphasic sleep schedule without a way of knowing the time or setting alarms. The longest nap would be about 3 hours in the wee morning, and 10 minute catnaps throughout the day with a few normal 20 minute naps. It's not quite Uberman, not quite Everyman. Now that things are back to normal I'll drift back into my old Uberman + catnap schedule.

Still not quite settled in

2010-08-24T02:31:00.000-04:00

I haven't gotten a wired connection yet, so my internet is still spotty.

I have gotten all my books out of storage, and my living room is now completely lined with bookcases.

My bedroom is still mostly empty. All that's in there is a desk, a chair, and a table.

I've been taking naps on the floor and on the oddly large bay windowsill. It's amazing how big an apartment looks without a bed taking up an inordinate amount of space. Got a one bedroom apartment or studio? Go polyphasic, it'll look like a mansion once you ditch your bed.

I've been neglecting posting, because I've been gradually moving, working more hours, reading through the Achewood archives, and trying to find a girlfriend.

Woo, my cat is fat and life is good.

I'll get out those longish posts sooner or later.

2010-08-21T14:06:00.001-04:00

Twelve hour shift, somewhat loopy from missed naps. Less so, though, than I would have been a month or two ago on polyphasic sleep adaptation. Woo.

Behold the fortress

2010-08-06T02:42:00.000-04:00

I am now moved into my new place. A huge one bedroom apartment arguably in a local maximum. No room-mates. No drunk people stumbling through.

Looking at my blog for the first time in weeks, it appears sms butchered my posts. I've got too much stuff to do to fix their poor mangles.

This is my first night in my new place. I've got Dizzy Gillespie blasting, the cat exploring the nooks and crannies, and books piling into a rough order. An order which, upon close examination, could probably tell you everything you could ever want to know about me.

Blogging will commence again as soon as I'm settled in. I've got a bunch of longish posts on my experience with polyphasic sleep, a few rants, and a few posts on brainfarting functional notation.

My den of solitude is coming together nicely. I need only more cats.

2010-08-04T03:07:00.003-04:00

? n Uberman schedule.

2010-08-04T03:07:00.001-04:00

? I took a very long walk through a David Cronenberg movie. Buffalo is downright eerie in the wee morning, especially when 2am stretches for hours due to a

2010-08-03T03:55:00.003-04:00

? 22 hour day. Otherwise, you're an idiot not to try it.

2010-08-03T03:55:00.001-04:00

? I would not recommend polyphasic sleep to anyone with a lot of stress. You think you're stressed now? Imagine spending a week thinking and worrying each

2010-08-01T03:23:00.003-04:00

It's hard to nap when there is a huge birthday party going on outside, reminding one how very much drunk people deserve to be mutilated. polynapping make

2010-08-01T03:23:00.001-04:00

s you homicidal towards people who disturb naps

2010-07-30T04:19:00.003-04:00

? and need only an armchair to nap in. The absence of a bed will make it seem enormous, and provide much more space in which to store books and boxen.

2010-07-30T04:19:00.001-04:00

? Shortly I'll be moving into a large one bedroom apartment. Since I am a polyphasic sleeper and perpetually single, I can fill the bedroom with bookcases

2010-07-27T08:44:00.003-04:00

? of it, you could, by inducing horrific neuroses. This is probably how most people acquire focus.

2010-07-27T08:44:00.001-04:00

? Life is not only what happens while you plan, but is also a terrible distraction. This is because there is no way to renice processes irl. Come to think

2010-07-27T00:34:00.003-04:00

h hinking of polyphasic sleep, the same way you don't really think about your sleep schedule as a monophaser.

2010-07-27T00:34:00.001-04:00

h Just made some sushi, ginger tuna. In the morning I shall buy a good stock of nicotine solution, and perhaps an apartment. I can go full cycles without t

2010-07-24T01:45:00.003-04:00

& ressin, piracetam, caffeine... it would either kill you or turn you into Spock.

2010-07-24T01:45:00.001-04:00

& I want to make my own nicotine patches. A gallon jug of concentrated nicotine to be used as pesticide, dmso, and some nootropics such as modafinil, vasop

2010-07-23T23:38:00.001-04:00

It's a friday night and I'm studying Weyl's gruppenpest and classical electrodynamics for at least the next two cycles

2010-07-22T21:52:00.003-04:00

? This illusion of novelty is the main cause of all stupidity.

2010-07-22T21:52:00.001-04:00

? I have decided to embrace cynicism, mixed with a firm conviction that the worst aspect of idiocy is that each idiot thinks his acts and thoughts are new.

2010-07-22T04:27:00.005-04:00

: petency ought to produce results.

2010-07-22T04:27:00.003-04:00

: polyphasic sleep you have absolutely no excuse for anything less than an exponential elevation of your goals. 22 hours a day plus a sense of inhuman com

2010-07-22T04:27:00.001-04:00

: I am writing up a noble plan for self improvement that should lead to me, at the very least, not being poor and lonely by this time next year. Damn, with

2010-07-20T03:55:00.003-04:00

uy a copy for every geeky kid you know.

2010-07-20T03:55:00.001-04:00

Riley and Hobson's 'Mathematical Methods For Physics' is wonderful. At 1253 pages it is thorough and easily able to bludgeon a quantum mystic to death. B

2010-07-19T02:23:00.003-04:00

m ing if I can trust it. Polyphasic sleep: not for those without reliable commandline utilities.

2010-07-19T02:23:00.001-04:00

m Time dilation of naps is now ridiculous, every time I wake I worry that I've somehow slept a full 24 hours. I end up staring at the output of date wonder

2010-07-18T05:00:00.003-04:00

F inspired by Sussman's success in 'SICM' at an executable functional mathematics. This will be a long project, and will be a good use of my extra eleven

2010-07-18T05:00:00.001-04:00

F I'm now devoting a large part of my 3 to 7 cycle towards translating Roger Penrose's amazing Road to Reality into executable code, having been enormously

2010-07-16T23:58:00.003-04:00

? k in terms of action is about as mindaltering as thinking in terms of monads.

2010-07-16T23:58:00.001-04:00

? Everyone should read Sussman et al's 'Structure and interpretation of classical mechanics' dedicated to the principle of least action, literally. To thin

2010-07-16T23:44:00.003-04:00

? I still have no internet. At the moment I have about 40 pdfs open as I bounce around through vector space, Hamiltonian operators, and LeviCivita tensors.

2010-07-16T23:44:00.001-04:00

? This is the poor geek's internet.

2010-07-16T01:52:00.001-04:00

I stopped taking 1am naps, they waste valuable time and break the flow of this cycle. Instead, a catnap at a convenient time.

2010-07-15T06:05:00.003-04:00

? broad enough.

2010-07-15T06:05:00.001-04:00

? Even though I have a gigantic library of physics books, I need more, especially on Lagrangian action principles. The ones I own are all specialized, not