Ships in the night

I received this from a Billy:

Hello Georgina,

I have received your e-mail requesting help. My name is Billy Ferguson, I am a business man from Scotland. I have read about your terrible plight and I am deeply moved. It is disgusting to hear that your uncles are mistreating you. What can I do to help?

Kind regards,
Billy

I responded:

Do I look like a Georgina, even one who has been cruelly mistreated by nefarious uncles who almost certainly possess eye patches and lecherous pugs?

Sir, you have made a terrible mistake. I demand satisfaction. You and I shall square off at noon tomorrow in Tianenmen Square. Our weapons will be chimpanzees, two black rubber dildos, or the perfectly preserved corpses of both Orson Welles and Jimmy Durante. Your choice.

We shall fight to either the death or the giggles, you perspicacious rapscallion in whose father's face I smear something indescribably foul! 

He responded, to my utter shock:

Woops. I was replying to a mail from a Nigerian scammer. I lifted your mail (seems to have mailed you too) instead of his. I was hoping to waste his time rather than yours though your challenge for a duel sounds entertaining, I'll go with the corpses.

Wow. I responded:

They always do. They always do.

Hey, do you want to bait together? I can be your Inuit brother-husband, Cthulhu-cultist pastor, the lad dolla-chopping you, etc.

If you like, I'll throw some your way. I'm working on a trick I call Accidentally Forwarded Emails. The idea being that you forward the lad's email to another character who then gets somehow involved in the transaction. An exchange develops, and at some point you reply to this second character "accidentally" cc'ing it to the lad. Now there's a fine sub-plot, you double his work-load, double the opportunity for confusion, etc.

Here's hoping to ruin some profits together.

The Alphabet Serial Song

I won the webmaster lotto!

Proof:

Juliet, Oh Juliet

I got this average refugee-orphan-with-a-ton-of-money scam letter:

Hello,

Thanks for your email and the acceptance to assist me. I want you to help me retrieve the money from the bank where it been deposited by my late father  for investment purpose, the procedure is that you have to contact the them to initiate the process.

Your full name / address: ............................

Identity card/Passport:................................

Age/Marital statue:...................................

Telephone number:......................................

Occupation:............................................

country................................................

As soon as this information are received, I will forward all the information of the bank to establish contact with them to start the process.

Awaiting to hearing from you soonest.

Best regard,
Juliet

I enthusiastically responded:

Your full name / address: ............................Tom D3lays, 11 Via Verde, Achewood, CA, 90714 USA

Identity card/Passport:................................984982424

Age/Marital statue:...................................36 single

Telephone number:......................................1-757-484-9987

Occupation:............................................lounge singer

country................................................USA

religion....................................................satanist

favorite color.............................................ice cream

favorite food.................................................black

dog's name....................................................Fernando Smellybottoms

Mother's name................................................Brucella Christina Donaldson-Higgensworth

Mother's SSN..................................................867-53-0900

Father's fetish....................................................diapers

Baby daddy........................................................NO

Microwave-owner................................................yes

Boss name........................................................Alexander Graham Bellbottoms

Boss's wife's mole................................................inner left thigh

Favorite singer........................................................Ted Bundy

Favorite serial killer...................................................Dick Clark

Least favorite person..................................................muhatma gandhi

Favorite person.......................................................... Marcellus Wallace

looks like a bitch..........................................................NO

Catchphrase................................................................."gosh-darned cunt"

MTCN............................................................................4759128790

Religious Widow response

I sent the following in response to a normal "I'm a religious widow who needs you, a random email address, to distribute millions of dollars toward charities". I haven't gotten a response yet:

 I am a Satanist. I hope this does not affect your decisions.

I simply believe that this world is designed to make humans suffer and
inflict suffering on other humans, in a neverending cat and mouse game
which in even the best of times can be characterized by the sadism of
a young child pouring salt on slugs.

I simply believe with my utmost fiber that every human who has ever
lived ought to have been strangled at birth. This is my faith, and it
has served me well.

I believe there is no God, no good, no decency, no such thing as
Canada. I believe my life is measured only by the number of orphans I
create. I believe Santa Claus is an imaginary pedophile, and I salute
his work ethic.

I believe you will vanish into utter oblivion once you die, and I
would pay good money to have sex with your corpse.

Oh, I also believe that I am just the right man for your job. I am
positively erect with eagerness to distribute your money. Oh, I will
distribute the fuck out of it.

Yours in eternal nothingness and random perturbations of chaos,
Ramses Smuckles

Glory Oneil

I ASEM'd her with a short message: "Going to WU right now. Sending MTCN when I get back."

She responded:

Good morning honey, i am glad to hear from you, please do inform me
immidiately you transfer the money, i hope very soon, i will meet you there
i love you.
Your love, Glory.

I of course had something unforeseen come up:

Your message makes the area between my legs feel tingly.

I'm working on it, my love. Something came up: my daughter announced
that she is now a lesbian, and made me watch hours upon hours of
lesbian pornography starring her in a lead role. I was quite
perturbed, and unable to go to Western Union during the duration of
this marathon.

Yours in hoping he will go blind,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

P.S. Send me a topless pic before I can scratch my eyes out and I may
decide to keep my sense of sight. This is urgent, the Elektra complex
is strong within her!

She replied:

Honey, i am sorry to hear that your daughter is now a lesbian, but it have nothing to do with the money you promised to send yesterday, please try to send the money today, sorry again i don't have another picture at the moments, i promise to send you one when i take a current picture.
I miss you, Glory

George Padmore seems interested

He responded to my explanation with:

Dearesr Brother   how are you doing today and how is the family, i got
the mail you sent to me and i want to say is nice hearing from you
again.  i would want to know how many virgin kids you need so as to
enable me prepare them for you, also you must know that this is africa
and these kids  are motherless and fatherless kids.  it will be my
delight to inform you that right now we have 11 grown up virgin girls
of about 22 yrs of age. i also want to inform you that you will be
taking care of their  international passport, ticket and visa funds as
over here our mission is to take care of them till they are fully
grown up and due for marriage.  in this manner i will be awaiting your
responds so as to know what your comment is on this, but i also want
to let you know we do not sell kids or use them as a means of making
money, in this case it will be seen that we are giving them out for
marriage as i will be going to the missionary church that heads all
the orphanages homes here to collect a permit paper so as to enable
their free movement in the embassy. do get back to me with your
responds. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

George Padmore gets a terrible dilemma

I sent him this explanation:

It is right that you are curious. It would be odd if you weren't.

I need the orphans to help cure HIV.

My people and I cannot legally acquire human test subjects for our
experimental formula. We can, of course, find all the diseased and
alcoholic and drug-addled homeless we want, but these are poor
specimens.

No, we need fresh, young, virginal children. We cannot afford to buy
child test subjects in developed nations, so our only course of action
is to purchase them from developing nations.

The children are indeed cheaper, but too often they have been
malnourished and/or already infected with parasites and other
indigenous infections. Too often we find it impossible to locate a
single orphan who meets our criteria for health.

If you are interested in curing a terrible affliction which is at this
moment raging throughout Africa, please evaluate your orphans for
healthiness. Send me a list of however many you think will be
acceptable, and I will fly my personal doctor out to test them for
both health and virginity. Upon these tests, we will pay you $1,000
for each ectomorphic virgin, $600 for each endomorphic virgin. The
children will be immediately flown to any of our seven labs located
throughout the world.

Unfortunately, neither you nor I can know where they will end up. They
will not be permitted to carry personal articles. Sadly, you will not
be able to communicate with them.

I have been authorized to wire you a generous amount for your
preliminary testing. You may purchase any medical equipment you wish
with the money, and keep it after we have acquired the orphans. We may
be on the way to curing AIDS, but that doesn't mean we can't also make
the lives of a few orphans happier.

Our legal team will get in contact with you regarding the
documentation necessary to display to your superiors and authorities
upon the disappearance of the orphans. Rest assured, we have the
resources to smooth over any red tape that arises.

Ah yes, the orphans will not be harmed. Do not worry about them being
harmed or traumatized. They will each receive puppies and Nike
sneakers at their destination. I have been told these puppies are very
friendly. Do not have nightmares about them being strapped to gurneys
in endless sterile white rooms while robotic arms systematically
dissect them.

Awaiting your eager reply,
Dr. Ramses Luther Smuckles

Emeril responds

Emeril LeGoinegasque responded to my plea for advice:

 We must be cautious in our dealings with this man. We must please
remember that where hope fades the light it must burn. It must burn
greatly.

I spent hours upon the hours last night uncovering information
regarding this man, and I did prove to myself adequately that he is a
genuine article. He can be trusted to an end.

I do not think he could understand the enormity of Project Dandelion.
The days they are there when I can not understand Project Dandelion.
Let him know about Project Buttered Ham. If he does shriek and spit on
us about Buttered Ham, we will know he never could join us in
Dandelion.

I do see that I gave my $500,000 to the right person. I did wire you
an extra $500,000. Your funds for this project are now numbered at the
$1 million. Do what you can to get this man on our side. And please
get those orphans. It is essential to the future lest things be ashes
in our mouthes.

I did tell T. about your culinary misadventure, he stated that perhaps
it was the mussels you had eaten before coming over. He did say the
establishment in which you purchased yonder mussels was named "Bob's
Shellfish Shack" and that such places cannot be considered safe.

Good man, Emeril.  I responded to him, "accidentally" cc'ing it to George Padmore:

Thanks, boss.

I'll explain as much of Buttered Ham as I think he can stand. If his
orphanage has, say, 20 orphans, we may be able to acquire them for
only $12,000. This is supposing they are simply virginal.

I've got a suggestion. It may be more expensive, but we can afford it.
And, as you said, the money is in my discretion. Let's pay $1,000 for
orphans that are not only virginal, but obese. Yes, that means we will
have to pay him $20,000 for 20 orphans. But I believe this is
essential to Buttered Ham and obviously critical to Dandelion.

As of yet, I don't know how many orphans he has, or in what condition.
We can afford up to $1,000,000 or 1000 orphans in virginal/obese
condition.

I'll contact him ASAP to find out what he can provide us.

Oh: tell T. that I spent good money on those mussels and there's no
way in hell that a fancy $4 mussel plate will be prepared using shit
ingredients. I'm still shitting a river here. Do you think I should
sue them? We may be talking a few million. I'm mentally traumatized by
the image of geysering shit out my asshole.

P.S. We can't let him tweak on us. We need those orphans immediately.
I'm going to arrange to wire $50,000 to him just to get him on our
side for the rest of the transaction. Don't know when he'll get back
to me with payment details, or whether he will even agree.

Two views of George Padmore

So George Padmore, our friendly orphan merchant, has responded.

I forwarded his last email in which he questioned the purpose of my buying his orphans, to my dear friend Emeril LeGoinegasque, with the following plea:

He wants to know what we're using the orphans for.

What do we tell him? Could he handle the terrible truth?

Get back to me ASAP. You gave me $500,000 and damned if the
opportunity didn't immediately present itself. How else will we get
orphans this quickly, man?!

Tell T. I said to cook the chicken better next time. I've got squirts
so bad I'm shitting kittens.

All well and good.  I should hear back from Emeril soon.

At the same time, Padmore emailed one of my accounts in which I'm straightbaiting him. He responded to my initial expression of interest and concern with:

Hello Dearest Friend of God, as i the Chair man Head of Department Nigeria Orphanage Association In person of  Dr.Mr Padmore Geroge from the United Kingdom but currently in Nigeria for the development of the youth empowerment fora better living.

This center is home to 800 children aged  0 to 15 as at last month, just this week we have 4 children that was brought to us by one of the Anglican church missionaries, according to them they found them in a desolated area where refused and rubbish are thrown 19 children needs special attention as they are thru with their secondary education and will be engaging in the universities, this will be needing a financial back up which i think your support and mine will be needed so as to enable them achieve their goal in life and to put some smiles on the faces of Lord Jesus Christ who has called us to these great mission.

OUR VISION TO THE TASK GOD HAS GIVEN US

Orphan's Hope is 100% dedicated to
the compelling needs of Orphans in poverty and transforming their lives. While we provide relief for urgent
needs, Orphan's Hope is committed to bringing lasting solutions that care for
the children's physical, educational,
and spiritual needs, in a way that gives them hope and a future. We are
currently focused on helping orphans
In The Future expansion for Africa as we
Need funds to help aids orphans.

Orphan's Hope mobilizing people in the compelling opportunities that transform struggling children's lives. Orphan's Hope has partners in
countries like  Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, Netherlands, and the United Kingdom. From wherever you visit this site you can see immediate
and compelling needs and personally make a difference by donating online.

Most people can't name an organization totally dedicated to Orphans.
Orphan's Hope is, and we hope you will join us in transforming lives.

Most Urgent Needs:

    * 30 Antibacterial Lamps
    * 30 Kettles to boil water
    * Refrigerator
    * Generator
    *
    

General Needs:

    * Computer & Printer
    * TV
    * Car & Ambulance
    * Small electric pan (one per group)

Our buildings is overall old and in a state of disrepair. The steps leading into buildings were falling apart, and the each buildings interior was in desperate need of an overhaul. The trails connecting the buildings were a no go for strollers, they didn’t appear to have any. One bright note, however, the playground equipment was in pretty decent shape.

Some of our babies with birth defects/illnesses and one if our little girl is having pigeon toes (There is need for surgery but our branch office is planing to give us 30% of the surgery money but she had braces on).some of our babies really need proper treatment.

we will be looking forwaard tto read or hear from you.

stay blessed and have a blissful day

Attached were several photos of the expected decrepit and unhealthy orphans being miserable in a run down institution.

I hope you can see what I'm planning. Padmore doubtless has a ton of pictures of starving and diseased children he can use to pull on heart strings without any effort at all. I want him to work for his scam. From my orphan-buying account I will ask him to send me pictures of healthy orphans, as I will pay more for them. Therefore his gallery of suffering won't get as much money out of me. No, he will have to exert the effort to go to Google and find pictures of fat and happy Nigerian children.

These pictures I will be skeptical about. I will make him send me pictures of healthy children holding drawings they made of things I specify. Things like "two lions fighting a T-Rex" or "a T-Rex wearing a djellaba" etc.

He'll delay, of course. But eventually I'll get him to scrounge up money to pay for these photos to be taken. It'll be worth it in the end, as far as he knows. And I'll have some fancy child-drawn artwork trophies.

Simultaneously, my straightbaiting account will be pushing him for as much samples of suffering as possible. He will want to send his entire gallery. And I will also be skeptical about these pictures. "These kids could be starving anywhere. Please, I need proof they are in an orphanage!" This straightbait will push him to send me pictures of children doing a live action version of the Lion King for me.

On the one hand, impossibly fat and happy children holding up awesome drawings of T-Rex. On the other, extremely thin children wearing lion costumes and trying to portray the Machiavellian intrigues of Scar.

Roberta Crane needs my help

I received this from one Roberta Crane:

Beloved in Christ
Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs. Roberta
Crane an American woman living in Ghana for charity organization.I'm
69 years old widow & a new Christian convert, suffering from long time
cancer in the blood (Leukemia According to my doctor,  my condition is
critical bad and I might not survive.

Although as a Christian, I believe God and I know that I will not die,
but will live to declare the glory of God upon  my life as my bible
says in the book of pslam 118:17. My late husband.Mr Gilbert Crane and
my only son were murdered years back, take a look. Our Lord Jesus
Christ is my only comforter.
I have the sum of Eleven million, One hundred thousand US Dollars
($11.1m) the fund is presently deposited with a financial company for
security reasons and all the documents concerning the fund are in the
custody of my Pastor.

I inherited the money from my late husband who was an industrialist
and international businessman. I have prayed concerning this donation
for God's guidance and if in your heart you genuinely and faithfully
desire-to use this fund for the propagation of God's work in any where
whether for charity, ministry, evangelical work or otherwise in
relation to God's work, do get in -touch with my pastor for further
arrangements on how you will receive my Charity donation.

Here is my pastor infomations:
Name: Pastor Samuel Mensha
Private telephone number:00233541922357
Fax number:77782376
Email Address:pastorsamuelmensha@gmail.com
Address:No 4 SS peters and paul Avenu Accra Ghana.

He will assist you and ensure you receive the funds into your
destination account.
God bless you once again and as you receive, give and give God all the Glory.

Remain blessed in the Lord
Yours in Christ
Mrs. Roberta Crane

I responded, upping the religious ante:

Blessed is the Lord of All Things, Great and Small, Skinny and Fat,
Alive and Dead, Animal or Vegetable, Paper and Plastic. The LORD told
me He would give me good Christian news and the LORD provided. The
LORD works in mysterious LORDLY ways and all good things come to the
GODFEARING children who WAIT.

The SAINTED name of the LORD OUR SAVIOUR JESUS H CHRIST MAY HIS NAME
NEVER BE FORGOTTEN AS HE DIED ON THE CROSS TO ABSOLVE US OF ALL SIN AS
WE ALL KNOW has upon this fgodly day blessed me with the GODLY
Christian email you have sent me on this GODLY day of the LORD. This
is a blessed sign from the LORD JESUS H CHRIST WHOSE WOUNDS BLEED
FORGIVENESS LIKE A MENSTRUATING WOMAN BLEEDS ANGER that you and I will
have a profitable and CHRISTIAN transaction.

Eagerly Awaiting your Response as I pray to the Lord God ALL THINGS
EVEN MONKEYS that you are in the eyes of the LORD healthy in the body
and mind that the LORD gave you when the LORD decided to create you in
HIS inestimable wisdom just as LORD does,

Professor Ramses Luther Smuckles

P.S. The LORD is good. I love the LORD.

The upright Mrs. Crane responded very happily:

How are you doing my dear beloved one.
i am also very happy to know that poeple like you still exist.
i have worked under charity organizations for years and now that i am
very ill and dont know if i will survive it.
i need to hand over this donation to anybody who have the heart of God
to continue this work as usual.

i might not be able to go on system all times because of my present
condition now.so i will like you to contact my pastor for the clearing
of the fund
from the security company here in ghana and ship to your destination.

here is my pastor's contact:+233541922357
email:pastorsamuelmensha@gmail.com

Thank you once agian my dear beloved
May the good God richly bless you and your family

Best Regards,
Roberta crane

I forwarded this message to my close friend, Rev. Emeril LeGoinegasque, with the following plea for help:

My dear Reverend, this poor soul needs our help.

Could you please pray to the ALMIGHTY LORD for her health, and check
to see if your parishioners will put forth their money to help her
overcome any difficulties?

Your faithful brother-husband in Christ the Lord,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

Accidentally Forwarded Emails

This is a neat trick.

Your Victim A has gotten into a convo with the spammer. Things are going well for him. You are a clueless and gullible victim, eager to give him your money. What more can he ask for? What more can you do to frustrate him?

Forward one of his emails to another character, Victim B. Ask advice, offer to split the money, ask for a loan/prayers/sex whatever. Somehow, involve Victim B in the transaction.

Wait a day. As Victim B, respond to Victim A's response. Bullshit, make up total insanity, it doesn't matter.

Wait a day. As Victim A, respond to Victim B. Address concerns, cybersex, insult him, whatever. And importantly, "accidentally" cc the email to the scammer.

Now look at it from the scammer's point of view. He has what looks like evidence that you are serious about this, willing to give money, and aren't suspicious of him. He may also think that you are an idiot, depending on this exchange. And, he will have the chance to chide you for not being as confidential as he would like. And, he has another victim he can milk for money.

At this point, you can do loads of things to abuse your lad. You now effectively double his work load. You can confuse him much more easily. You can set up a whole side plot to delay him. You can lead him into torrid love affairs or Machiavellian intrigues. Hell, you can turn Victim B into another lad, and try to hire your lad onto his team. The opportunities are endless.

Link Wray, the true king of Rock and Roll

Brief tips on scambaiting

The biggest tip is to do it safely. Google for "safe baiting" and you'll find tons of advice.

Slow down. The goal is to waste his time, not just get a laugh. Keep
it going as long as possible.

Do not educate the scammer. Don't burn him, don't say "hah you should
know that in America we do not use this format for addresses! Mugu!",
don't correct his idiocy. Bear in mind that even the dumbest mistakes
he makes obviously go unnoticed by his victims. You don't want to make
him better at his job.

Get acquainted with straightbaiting. In the Klutz Book of Magic
tricks, it teaches how to do the french drop: "hold a quarter. Pass it
to the other hand. That is the perfect french drop. All you have to do
now is do the same thing, but without passing the quarter over." This
is the same way to approach scambaiting. Learn how to be
indistinguishable from a real victim. Once you can give the perfect
illusion of being gullible and full of money, only then can you trick
him by not passing the money over.

Sunk costs. The more time and effort he puts into scamming you, the
more willing he will be to put in more time and effort. Use this to
your advantage.

Don't worry about continuity too much. As long as you don't change
genders without an explanation, or suddenly resurrect a dead spouse
without going to Lourdes, you'll be fine. These guys are not that
bright.

That being said, don't pick on the scammer's continuity for fun. It
will educate him. Only pick holes in his story to further the illusion
of being confused and gullible. In other words, rationalize why you
want to pick a hole in his plot. Just don't do it without thinking of
how it will make you more appealing as a victim.

The long awaited response to Valeriya

After a few days of not responding to the last letter:

I have been ill, my love. I began snorting up all manner of disgusting things from my sinuses. I took care and douched my nose and thankfully it has diminished in volume. I believe at one point a kitten fell out of my nostril.

The entire time I was bedridden, I thought about you. I imagined the both of us laying on that hammock, wearing bathing suits, rubbing each other's forehead with bacon. I imagined sliding a thick sausage against your neck. I imagined breaking a delicious egg yolk over your belly. My daydreams were a flurry of breakfast foods and Valeriya.

Now that I'm feeling better and more human, I would like to tell you that I have contacted my priestly friend. He has experience in helping women come to America, and has friends in the Immigration and Naturalization Service. He can be counted on to ease your arrival here as well as help with any fees we encounter. He can also, get this, marry us. I'll see if he's got an email address so you can talk to him.

Happy happy joy joy!
Happy happy joy joy!
HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY!

Tell me how you have been, my love. I hope you weren't snorting up kittens as well!

George Padmore responds w/r/t orphanic domicile

He responded:

For now will dont mind any amount nor any help you want to render us.we are having problem with our house which have lead some of our kids to hospital due to mosquto bitt which lead to maleria.pleas we dont maind any amount all we are pleading for is help. Bye for now and remain bless.

I responded:

I could e.g. give you money to fix up the house, but w/r/t the orphan domicile maybe the proper solution* is for me to purchase land on which you could build a new** orphanage. Sans knowledge of the area I can't make the decision yet, the equation is as yet unbalanced.

Understand vis a vis the real estate that I would be willing (i.w.b.w.) to pay all construction expenses and assorted costs of zoning etc. i.w.b.w. to also scout for new supplies of food, medical supplies, and whatever else is needed w/r/t orphanic health and sanity.

i.w.b.w. to w/r/t/b/n/necessarily equate these variables into charitable donations for tax^man -e^pi*i = 0.

I've been wanting to do this for 10 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it for 2.5 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it in 1.75 years. A/s/o/a/s/f so by Zeno's argument 10 years ago is now and now is 10 years ago because this series converges on 0. Do you understand my joy?

I would love it if you could send me a photograph of 1) the outside of the orphanage, 2) a photograph of a normal inner room, 3) a photograph of the kitchen, and 4) a photograph of a bathroom. These are necessary for me to understand I could e.g. give you money to fix up the house, but w/r/t the orphan domicile maybe the proper solution* is for me to purchase land on which you could build a new** orphanage. Sans knowledge of the area I can't make the decision yet, the equation is as yet unbalanced.

Understand vis a vis the real estate that I would be willing (i.w.b.w.) to pay all construction expenses and assorted costs of zoning etc. i.w.b.w. to also scout for new supplies of food, medical supplies, and whatever else is needed w/r/t orphanic health and sanity.

i.w.b.w. to w/r/t/b/n/necessarily equate these variables into charitable donations for tax^man -e^pi*i = 0.

I've been wanting to do this for 10 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it for 2.5 years. And half that time ago I wanted to do it in 1.75 years. A/s/o/a/s/f so by Zeno's argument 10 years ago is now and now is 10 years ago because this series converges on 0. Do you understand my joy?

I would love it if you could send me a photograph of 1) the outside of the orphanage, 2) a photograph of a normal inner room, 3) a photograph of the kitchen, and 4) a photograph of a bathroom. These are necessary for me to understand whether we are better off fixing the place up or going all out and constructing a newer and better orphanage such as the world has never seen.

Take your time, my good man (t.y.t.m.g.m.)whether we are better off fixing the place up or going all out and constructing a newer and better orphanage such as the world has never seen.

Take your time, my good man (t.y.t.m.g.m.)

Another view of George Padmore

He hit another one of my catcher accounts with his orphan plea. I responded in the manner of David Foster Wallace:

My goodness! w/r/t the children is there anything I can do to help?*

*I once met a man from Zaire who had a pet dog named Rambo. The dog was a happy little Pomeranian and often would lick my face. Well, long story short the dog got rabies and bit a child. The child's parents could not afford a rabies shot, and he died in a ghastly way. Foaming, raving, clawing at his very parents. Tough shit, I said, and put a bullet through his head. Then I shot the mad dog. These things happen, I said, damned if they don't. Sometimes all you can do is curl up** in a fetal position and drink to make it all go away.

** Curling up in the fetal position is the recommended strategy for dealing with the crimes*** that life brings you.

*** Sometimes they occur while I sleep. Sometimes I wake up bloody and with pockets full of money. Sometimes I wake up and wonder if I have died. Sometimes I scream.****

**** "Oh no what I have done to this poor girl!"

I detect a note of concern

Mixed with greed. George Padmore responded to my offer to buy his orphans:

I don't think i got your message right,are buying them to use them as what? and if i many ask are pricing item or what planing to pay me $300 for the kids i have been caring for and planing for the life.

Who are you sir?

What do you want to use the kinds for?

Where are you located?

Can you send me a scan copy of your international pass port? so i can know who am dealing with.

Hope all my question is not much.I will wait upon your respond so we can know the next step.

I won the Netherlands lottery!

Except I seem to have fallen into the grasp of a terrible scammer already. I got this:

Mega Millions Award Division.
Great Ormond street Amsterdam
WC1 THE NETHERLAND.
TEL :+31685083128
FAX :+31847276615

Attn:-Winner,

Congratulations from our members of staff. Responsible for the processing of winning prizes in the e-mail lottery program. Your e-mail address attached to a single ticket was found as one of the lucky e-mail addresses that emerged to have won 550,000.00 Euros . It is not a promotion but your email have won you this prize.

The information was passed to us by the LOTTERY COMPANY, to ensure that they are in contact with the rightful owner of the winning e-mail and web-site addresses. We write to explain and clarify the mode and chronologies of the service we render to our clients of lottery claim related issues.

Firstly, our ultimate concern is that our clients get their winning prizes as quickly as it is possible. You are therefore required to fill the Processing Form,and a proof of your identification and return back to this office either as e-mail attachment or via Fax for verification.

Due to mix-up of certain numbers and names, you are required to keep your winning information confidential until your claim has been processed and winning prize remitted to your nominated account. This is part of our security protocols to avoid abuse of the program by some participants.

Be assured that, in line with our principles of efficiency, transparency and customers satisfaction, we handle all verification exercise with the highest level of professionalism and discretion to ensure that our clients receive their prizes within the shortest possible time.

Once again, Congratulations.
Best of Regards,
Mr Patrick Adams
(Claim Supervisor)

I responded, frightened, with:

I'm already in contact with Barrister [one of my characters] about this. He has already received $2,000 toward the total needed to receive my lottery winnings.

I'm not going to send forms and money to people who have no business with me. The right barrister [my character] I know to be honest.

How about you email him. Sometimes the right hand has no idea what the left hand is doing.
 

His email: [the email addy]

I need you to either prove to me that he is cheating me, or to him that you are not cheating me. We must all be serious about this transaction. I have already spent $2,000 and I will not be fucked with.

A bizarre way of scamming me

Mr. Hillary White sent me:

 CENTRAL BANK OF NIGERIA
HEAD QUARTER TINUBU SQUARE
LAGOS NIGERIA
Foreign remittance department
and international credit control
and financial surveillance
Telex 2838700, 28430
Tel/Fax: +1-206-339-1230

Attention: Beneficiary,

RE: PAYMENT AGAINST SWIFT MT103 UNCONDITIONAL PAYMENT FOR THE SUM OF $6.5
MILLION UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLARS BEING PART- PAYMENT OF YOUR
CONTRCT FUND).

We refer to the above transaction and hereby confirm with corporate
responsibility under penalty of perjury that we have initiate by swift
transfer MT103 unconditional payment of the above stated sum to your
account stated below with TCF BANK being part-payment for the performance
of a contract with Federal Government of Nigeria:

TCF BANK 801 MARQUETTE AVE MPLS MN
ACCOUNT NUMBER:  65433545654
ROUTING;         543654324
ABA:             0923-3541

We will further confirm that the said fund is clear and of non criminal
and non terrorist origin, free from liens and encumbrances.

Transfer routing and authentication of the said funds was through Nat west
London to your above.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Hillary White.
Director international credit control and financial surveillance
Central bank of Nigeria (CBN)

I responded:

 This is splendid. Just give me the MTCN and I'll be sure to toast you with a bottle of fine wine from my new yacht.

Thanks, friend. It's not everyday I get $6.5 million out of the blue.

Hm. You haven't already confirmed the legitimacy of the money? I don't want any of that homosexual terrorist money or money that filthy scammers have touched.

You better get back to me with proof that the money is clean. I'm not going to get raped with a coke bottle in a Nigerian prison because you fucked up and got greedy.

We have to make sure there's no scam here, then we can proceed. Remember, coke bottle. Nigerian prison. Assholes distended. We don't want that.

He immediately tried to reassure me:

 The prrof you need is for your Bank to confirm to you that funds has being wired to your account.Now you need to send the Bank details where you wish to receive this funds because one of your brother's has come foward to claim your funds,which was why i contacted you to verify.

Seems odd I suddenly have a brother in some Darfur pit of hell. But I respond:

Why can't you send me the money via Western Union?

He replied: 

We can only wire your total funds once and not bit by bit.

I was ecstatic. I responded: 

That's even better. Can Western Union handle you wiring me the full $6.5 million at once?