Friday, October 29, 2010

Batch Baiting Message #2

I'm trying out a technique I got from the 419eater forums here: http://forum.419eater.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=177125

I got the big list of fresh scammers' addies, and sent out the initial ASEMish script message in the vein of "I'm interested. Could you tell me more?"

Waited a day, then sent out the next message in the script:


---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 11:37 PM
Subject: I'm interested
To: many many scammers


I've got some cash lying around that can stand to get off its fat ass and do me some work. But not enough. Ain't that always life?

I think I'll go along with this. First, I gotta have some proof that it's real. No offense, but I don't want to sink a few hundos into, say, Islamic-Friendly Bacon. That stung, bad. You and I gotta be sure we're going to get rich, or it's not worth the bother for the either.

Since I gotta trust you, I'm going to put some of my info you may want. No biggie. Just so you can get a better idea of what I am and who I am.

Name: Ramses Luther Smuckles
Address: 11 Via Verde, Achewood Court, CA, 90714 USA
mobile #: (xxx) xxx xxxx
Age: 36
DOB: 4/1/1974
Marital status: divorced
Occupation: brawler

That shit is like poetry. It sings in my ear holes. Need any more info, just ask. I'm not gonna go around describing which way my dick is hanging, but I won't keep it a secret if people have to know this.

Peace, love, and kumquats,
--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.


Fwd: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO

"I love the sound of deadlines whooshing past"- Douglas Adams (PBUH)

From: olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 2:41 PM
Subject: Re: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO
To:xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Cc: barr_williams_ass.chamber2000@yahoo.co.uk


Dear Mr. Tom,

Thanks for the detail informations of your contact and will submit tomorrow to the security finance company for onward processing of all relevant of the transfer clearance documents on your name but one thing lest is your passport photo so please send it again because the attachment of your driver's license did not show on the mail maybe you forgot to include to attach to me so please hasten to resend the driver's license to enable me submit all your informations at the same time tomorrow morning thanks and wishing you all the best in life to keep this issue very confidential.

Please always send your replies direct to my private mail box at barr_williams_ass.chamber2000@yahoo.co.uk or barrestarwilliams_tg2000@yahoo.com for more security reasons thanks.

My regards to you.
Barr. Prince Williams Koffi Esq.
Tel.+228-0137830



From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
To: olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com>
Sent: Fri, October 29, 2010 5:58:14 PM

Subject: Re: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO

Name: Tom Stockton Delays
Address: 11 Via Verde, Apt #B, 3467 sani-lot #45B, Achewood Courts, 90714 CA USA
Mobile #: (424) 704-3468
Occupation: Organ-grinder Accountant
Sex: Male
Married Status: Widower
Children: 10 illegitimate sons
Bank: National Bank of Blues
Bank Acct # 02289845 45 6

Attached is a scan of my driver's license, passport, SIDS, high school transcript, receipts from the past 30 deposits I have made, and a photo of myself on stage at Prague

On Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 11:20 AM, olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com> wrote:
Dear Tom.
 
thanks for your reply well appreciated.
 
well, since you can assist please send me your contact informations and banking informations with which i will send to the finance security company to enable them prcoess to obtain all transfer clearance document on your name for easy making of transfer of funds to your account, please if possible you can call me so that we discuss briefly thanks and be blessed.
 
regards.
Barr. Williams
Tel.+228-0137830

 


From: xxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
To: olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com>
Cc: barrestarwilliams_tg2000@yahoo.com; ndeyoung2002@yahoo.com
Sent: Fri, October 29, 2010 5:06:54 PM
Subject: Re: Re. Attn. The Chairman CEO

I'm certainly as interested as a man could be. COuld you tell me more?

On Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 8:01 AM, olae umena <olaeumena@yahoo.com> wrote:
 
Dear Sir/Madam,
 
Am so much glad to contact you, and also reading your informations from a business friend in India who has intimated your contact as a relaible and trust-worthy person to me, Infact , am also glad to find your email id accordingly and I do strongly beleive that my coming accross to know you will never bring any default,shame or become a stepping failured stone to ruin my life and carrier as I have planed and made up all my best and suitable mind and arrangements to quit out from my Dad who's one of the top Ruling Ministers here in my country Lome -Togo, please kindly note first that, I am the first true son of my Father Hon. Dr. Williams Awosely Koffi. Esq.
 
Then I am his first son and a barrester by profession, and am also a prince but this does not matters to our busines engagement anymore, then all I want is to live on my own and become what I should be in life as a complete full man, so due to the much pampers and coverages and back ups which I have been having from my Dad so long, and due to his position in the government no matter he is today one of the special adviser to our present president but to me all this I personaly do not cherrish them in life rather than to build up my own life suitable for me.
 
So, I have planed to leave my country and find a suitable country through which I will make my ultmost investment of my own, also a suitable place for my steady living with my own family if possible and there i will make up things by my self, so with this direct connection with you, this only made me and even gave me much assurance to entrust these my planed of business into your hand so that my coming out to your cuntry I will find a better place to make my investment of $5.0 Million Dollars,

So note please, this amount I have already made the arrangement with my father's security finance bank, now I only need your contact and account informations through which the  security finance bank will wire these amount to and for my safety use in your country, so please confirm if you can assist me making this investment successfully, and if yes please do not delay further to send me your account informatins and name of beneficiary through which these funds will be wired to,  then I have agreed to settle with you as soon as I come over to your place atleast 15% preferablly out of the total sum to be transfered to your account please confirm.
 
Also note that I want us to complete these issue within a short period of time so that before my Father will start askig of me he will by then notice that am already in your country doing my business, then you dont need to fear about this business because myself I will cover you and protect your interest but I knew once I succedded on this plan my Father will appreciate it all seeing me doing very well with the money insteady of keeping eyes on him everyday thanks and hope you will find this details very usefull and interesting waitting for your answers soon.
 
Yours regards.
Barr. Williams Brooksman A. Koffi Esq.
Tel.+228-0137830
Alternative Emails: barrestarwilliams_tg2000@yahoo.com
                             ndeyoung2002@yahoo.com








--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays






--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays






--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays


Re: ASSIST ME

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 12:03 PM
Subject: Re: ASSIST ME
To: Mrs rebecca Garang <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com>


I do not understand. You didn't ask me anything. I read your plight, and my heart was moved out of Christian goodness to help you. You queried if I could assist, but didn't say anything about what it was about.

It appears you do not need any assistance, thank the Lord. I'm glad that even after all this suffering you are healthy, not suffering any financial difficulties, and enjoying yourself.

Please, once again, thank the Lord that you are in perfect condition and if I may offer my aids to you you are welcome to it.



On Fri, Oct 29, 2010 at 11:57 AM, Mrs rebecca Garang <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com> wrote:

go want to assist me or not, because i know why i am asking you

--- On Thu, 10/28/10, xxxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com> wrote:

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: ASSIST ME
To: "MRS REBECCA GARANG" <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com>
Date: Thursday, October 28, 2010, 5:07 AM


How may I assist you?

On Sat, Oct 23, 2010 at 4:51 PM, MRS REBECCA GARANG <mrsrebecca.garang1@yahoo.com> wrote:
From Mrs Rebecca Garang .
 
Greetings!
It is a good pleasure for me  today to contact you for your humble assistance.My name is Mrs. Rebecca Garang the widow of late Dr. John Garang who was until his death the vice president of Sudan in Africa. In brief, my late husband was a strong opposition to the incumbent government and for over 22yrs he has indefatigably fought for the liberation of the Sudanese until he was appointed the vice president on the 9th of July 2005 following the cease fire agreement that was signed on the 6th of January 2005.
A decision welcomed by the International Community as an avenue to quench the decades of civil war in Sudan. He died on the 31st of July 2005 following a helicopter crash alongside with 12 others just 22days after his appointment as the vice president. What led to the helicopter crash is still unclear but I know that my husband was the target.
 
I am a religious person and had always seek for God's direction in all my endeavours.I have a problem I believe you will be of great assistance. Please kindly reply me as quickly as possible to enable me explain things in details to you.
Thanks and Remain blessed.
 
Yours sincerely
 
Mrs. Rebecca Garang

________________________________________________________________
Interone Internet - Assine já - 49 3323.6688



--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays





--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays
Mobile #:  (424) 704-3468




--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays
Mobile #:  (424) 704-3468

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Fwd: Western union infos SMTP Inbox Webmail and email links for sale

Ha. It bounced. Too bad.

From: xxxxxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 10:27 PM
Subject: Re: Western union infos SMTP Inbox Webmail and email links for sale
To: spamzey5@web.de


Gee. You must be, as the kids say, l33t.

Listen. My bogophonic multiplexing factory pattern is PEBKAC'ing all over the bit bucket. I gotta drain that bitch before it leaks magnetic monopoles all over the core. You know how it is: no one wants a hydra invading his firewall. Next thing you know, you got people hacking your Gibson. And that Gibson, he don't want to be hacked by no one.

What I'm saying is, I need someone to get me a copy of Battletoads. I don't care how expensive it is. I can count on your technological sophistication.

Y0ur5 in 0-d4y 1337n355
R4|\/|535 5|\/|UCK135

2010/10/28 HACKERS ONLINE <spamzey5@web.de>

We hack admin offices,Western union database another receivers name.Smtp and webmail inbox.

Email Links,Track 1 and 2 Cvv2 and employment Logins.Ticket online and Europe Visa Hotel Invitation by Bank login.

if you are interested please buzz me on my yahoo id for Yahoo Chat at {uaedealerz}



--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Deceased Relative / Client. !: Scott Adams tries to back out of our transaction

He suspects that I am a joker. I must slap him a bit.

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 1:23 PM
Subject: Re: Deceased Relative / Client. !
To: Mr Adams Scott <adamsscott@acerconsultants-uk.com>


Wait a goddamned minute. Uncle Culpepper's middle name was Fred. Uncle Culpepper Fred Smuckles.

Are you trying to cheat me out of my inheritance? I can sue your ass in Internet Court, you little shit.

Now I demand that you send me a scan of his death certificate. If my dear uncle is actually dead, I want to know. I haven't been able to get in touch with him on the phone, but he's an old man.

Listen. Cunt. You will send me the death certificate of my uncle if you indeed have one, or so help me God I will litigate.

Note that if you have the wrong Fred Smuckles, I don't mean this personally. I am just very concerned regarding the health of my family, even those in distant lands.

Note that if you have the right Fred Smuckles, I will hunt you down.

Call me immediately on my mobile number upon sending me the death certificate.


On Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 12:37 PM, Mr Adams Scott <adamsscott@acerconsultants-uk.com> wrote:


Dear Ramses Smuckles,

Thank you for your response to the inquiries. I take it by your response that you have no explicit knowledge of the subject. The fellow with the previously referred description: Mr. Frederick Smuckles died intestate and nominated no next of kin after having made substantial investments with Royal Bank of Scotland PLC. Standard procedure dictates that we seek out and exhaust all channels to find any one related to inherit the title that his estate may pass on.
From what I see, we have not been successful. Please accept our apologies for any inconvenience this may have caused you.

Thank you for your kind understanding.


Yours sincerely,
Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd
For: Royal Bank of Scotland.
364 Windbridge,London Uk.




Date: Wed, 27 Oct 2010 14:14:25 -0400
Subject: Re: Deceased Relative / Client. !
From: xxxxx@gmail.com
To: adamsscott@acerconsultants-uk.com


I love your cartoon. My, Dogbert gets me every time!

Yes, I do have a dead relative who lived in Zurich. Old Uncle Culpepper. He was a mighty man, steeped in southern charm and mint julep. Tell me he is not dead! Oh dear.

If it is indeed Uncle Culpepper Smuckles, I assure you I can provide mountains of photographs and such of us taking an iced tea together on the porch, inhaling the cool scent of honeysuckle while the gentle sounds of cottonpickers flow to us in the languid breeze of Louisiana. I also have several of his letters. Would this constitute sufficient proof?

2010/10/27 Mr Adams Scott <info@acerconsultants-uk.com>
From: Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd.

This is a confidential message from ACER Consultants: private consulting firm in London, United Kingdom.

I have been directed to contact you with regards to ongoing investigations involving a deceased client of Royal Bank of Scotland. The client, who shared the same last name with you, died intestate so it is standard and mandatory that a next of kin be sought who may inherit the estate. Kindly clarify the following:

 - Are you aware of any relative of yours whose last known contact address was Zurich, Switzerland, with investments of considerable value with Royal Bank of Scotland?

 - If you answered yes to the above then can you establish beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin to the deceased?

Understand that we are at this point contstained to share more details of this matter with you. We will need to hear from you urgently and hope you can assist us in bringing this inquiry to a conclusion.Please respond to my private email below as soon as possible to afford us the opportunity to close this investigation. Thank you for accommodating our enquiries.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd
For: Royal Bank of Scotland.
364 Windbridge,London Uk.
Email: mradams_scott@consultant.com
Tel/fax: 00-44-7005-921-477

------------------------------------------------------------------------
This e-mail is confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual(s) to whom it is addressed. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that you have received this e-mail in error and that any use, dissemination, forwarding, printing, copying of, or any action taken in reliance upon it, is strictly prohibited and may be illegal.




--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.




--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.



--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Re: Funds Transfer/Change of ownership

I discombobulated the dear Scotsman so much with my request that he momentarily lapsed into Nigerian semi-literacy.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Mr Frank From Royal Bank <royalbnk741@hotmail.co.uk>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 11:56 AM
Subject: Funds Transfer/Change of ownership
To:xxxxx@xxxxxx.com


Thank you for your mail Mr Tom Delays,

In response to your request for my photograph and that of Mrs Hilary weston, Am sorry Its not official to provide you with such information's. My duty is to make sure the funds is safely transfered into your account. secondly, payment should be made before the bank can provide you with the online account, without the change of ownership the bank cannot  provide you with any account information, so you are advice to make payment for the change of ownership before we can commence transfer.
 
Payment cannot be made to Royal Bank of scotland directly, because, the Bank account is for transctions exceeding $1 Million USD. All payment less than $1 million USD should be sent to the Bank P.R.O, Mr Andrea Williams who is appointed to receive foreign payment from customer.
Furthermore, this transaction is between you and the transfer unit of Royal Bank, Mr Andrea Williams is just the bank P.R.O and its not officially connected to this transfer.
 
Thank you for your Co-operation,
Sincerely,
Mr Frank Moss
 
Head of Corporate Responsibility
The Royal Bank of Scotland Group
Business House F
Gogarburn
PO Box 1000
Edinburgh
EH12 1HQ
UK
Telephone:
+(44) 702 404 2655
 
______________________________________________________________
© Bank of Scotland plc 2010. The copyright and material on Bank of Scotland's Internet web site is owned by Bank of Scotland plc and protected by the copyright laws of the United Kingdom



--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays


Maxwell Tapsoba, Owner of the World, wants my help

This is certainly the hugest amount I've seen a scammer claim to not own. As a manager of a banking institution, he will surely notice that he was a little fuzzy in describing this number and then correct me on the orders of magnitude error I made.

From:xxxxx <xxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 11:33 AM
Subject: Re: My Dear Friend
To: maxwelltapsoba@voila.fr


1. FULL NAME.......... Tom Stockton Delays
2. TELEPHONE NUMBERS......  (424) xxx xxxx
3. YOUR AGE......36
4. YOUR SEX.........male
5. YOUR OCCUPATION........organ-grinder accountant
6. YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY......USA, Achewood
7. YOUR HOME ADDRESS..........11 Via Verde
8. MARITAL STATUS............Widower

Wow. I look forward to acquiring even a tiny fraction of that $10,200,000,000,000. Count in in, my good man, and let us TAKE OVER THE WORLD!


On Sun, Oct 24, 2010 at 9:35 AM, Maxwell Tapsoba <maxswellekong@gmail.com> wrote:


My Dear Friend
I am Mr. Maxwell Tapsoba, address: #205 Ave. Kadiogo Rue de Gounghin Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. Assistant Manager in banking institution, for your kind attention; I will be very glad if you do assist me to relocate a sum of (US$10,200,000.00 Million Dollars) from the fix balance sum of (US$15.3M) in an account here into your personal bank account for the benefit of both of us.

All confirmable legal documents to back up the claims will be obtain legally here, I shall be directing you as it is progressing I don't want this money to go into our Bank recovery account as abandoned fund; I will come over to your country as soon as the fund is transfer successfully into your account. This is 50/50 business deal because of your account and support, also this matter should be a confidential between you and me, delete it if you are not interested.
Upon the receipt of your reply and indication of your capability, I will send to you a draft text of application form to apply for the money and more details, I don't want anyone here in the bank to know my involvement during the process.

PLEASE STATE YOUR INFORMATION BELOW TO KNOW YOUR CAPABILITY OF HANDLING THIS DEAL.

1. FULL NAME..........
2. TELEPHONE NUMBERS.......
3. YOUR AGE......
4. YOUR SEX.........
5. YOUR OCCUPATION........
6. YOUR COUNTRY AND CITY......
7. YOUR HOME ADDRESS..........
8. MARITAL STATUS............

My Regards
Mr Maxwell Tapsoba
Tel:+226 79237654



--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays





--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays


Williams Lari excites this foreigner

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 11:21 AM
Subject: Re: from the royal chambers
To: JOSEPH MORGAN <info.jpmargan_consultancy@yahoo.com.au>, info.africamonetary_union@safe-mail.net


I am certainly enthusiastic. You simply have no idea how often in my childhood I curled up in a fetal position with a bottle of Captain Morgan and imagined receiving consignments of valuables from the depths of the Dark Continent. Afterwards I would clean myself off and tell myself that like a 1980's music video it can only be a dream.

"Or is it?" was the thought that barreled through my brain as I read your message. All those debauched childhood dreams came flowing back like liquid monkeys being poured out of incredible silver-plated barrels. I felt so nostalgic I defecated immediately right where I sat.

Please, tell me more details.


On Sun, Oct 24, 2010 at 4:21 AM, JOSEPH MORGAN <info.jpmargan_consultancy@yahoo.com.au> wrote:

I am Barrister A. Williams Lari (Esq.)., legal consultant to JP Morgan International and the Africa Union bank.

 

I'm sending you this mail in respect of my late client's son ( Chudi Malik), he is from war torn Republic of Sudan  in north Africa. My client was a reputable business man (A Diamond/Gold and Oil Merchant),  It is sad to say that he passed away mysteriously in France during one of his business trips abroad. Though his sudden death was rather suspected to have been masterminded by his relations and political opponents especially an uncle of his who traveled with him at that time. But God knows the truth!.

Before his death, he deposited two metallic boxes with a security company here in Accra, the capital city of Ghana because of the political unrest (situation) in his country (Sudan), the contents of the two boxes are Diamond/Gold while the second box contain cash $2.7 million USD, for security reasons he told the Security company that the contents of both boxes are his personal and family effects.

The deposit documents are with me as his legal adviser, now his only son, who is the beneficiary is here in my country as a refugee, he came through the assistant of the Africa Union Peace keepers in his country, on a refugee status due to different family problems, political instability in his country and safety of  his life too, which has made things very difficult for him at the moment.

I need you to be his guardian and legal appointed beneficiary, to enable the security company  release the boxes to you , so that you will get him papers to travel to your country to continue his education while you invest part of the money for his future.

If your response is positive, I will present you to the Security Company as the foreign business partner to my late client and all documentations will be done legally with his son.

We forward to hear from any enthusiastic foreigner.

Regard,

Bar.Williams On behalf of the bank. 00233 285025303 contact me via my official email address info.africamonetary_union@Safe-mail.net

 

 



--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays
Mobile #:  (424) 704-3468




--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays
Mobile #:  (424) 704-3468

Princess Williams ignores the story of my birth




--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.
mobile #: (530) 426-2419

I won the MegaMillions Intertubes Lotto!

From: xxxxxx <xxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Thu, Oct 28, 2010 at 12:56 AM
Subject: Re: Official Notification
To: johnfullham1@w.cn


Wow this is amazing! I've never won anything that was to be won! Are you sure I won? This is a miracle. This is the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of the entire universe. This is better than eating a chicken sandwich.

VERIFICATION FORM
NAME: Tom Delays
ADDRESS: 11 Via Verde, Achewood Courts, CA, 90714, USA
COUNTRY: USA
OCCUPATION: Organ-grinder Accountant
AGE: 36
SEX:… Male
PHONE NUMBER: (xxx)xxx xxxx
BATCH NUMBER: SA/10/FE
WINNING NUMBER: 06-09-13-15-40-43-09
TICKET NUMBER: FE08WCSA


On Sat, Oct 23, 2010 at 7:15 AM, Megamillions Lottery Award <johnfullham1@w.cn> wrote:


MEGAMILLIONS LOTTERY PROMOTION
PRIZE AWARD DEPARTMENT HEADQUARTERS 
79 FETTER LANE LONDON
EC4A LAG, UNITED KINGDOM .

CONGRATULATIONS!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!!CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

         We are pleased to announce your email address as one of the lucky winners in the Free Lotto in the internet game in which email addresses were used. It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy a ticket to enter for the game.


        However, your email address was attached to ticket number FE08WCSA with batch number SA/10/FE and the lucky numbers 06-09-13-15-40-43-09, which eventually won the lottery in the six categories of the draws. Therefore you have won a lottery jackpot prize award of $600,000.00usd (Six Hundred Thousand Dollars) and tickets to qualify for our next draws.


Note that this program was largely promoted for the internet users. Megamillions  group being one of the largest company in the world and sponsors of lottery games to promote internet users and also to help the needy. SO NO TICKETS WHERE SOLD

To Claim your prize, please contact Dr. John Fullham immediately you receive this message accompanied with your personal details, full name, address, nationality, sex, age, telephone number and your ticket number and batch number for processing and release of your fund. Below is the claim Agent contact information and verification form to fill by you:


Dr. John Fullham
Tel:  +447035905364
E-mail:johnfullham1@w.cn

VERIFICATION FORM
NAME:
ADDRESS:
COUNTRY:
OCCUPATION:
AGE:
SEX:…
PHONE NUMBER:
BATCH NUMBER:
WINNING NUMBER:
TICKET NUMBER:
 
Our winners are assured of the utmost standards of confidentiality, and press anonymity until the end of processing and beyond where they so desire. Be further advised to maintain the strictest level of confidentiality until the end of the proceedings to circumvent problem associated with double claims.


Also You have to bear in mind that your fund has been deposited in a bank and also insured so it cannot be tampered by anybody whosoever, till you receive the Fund in your possession.

NB: You are given 10 days to collect your certificate,and claim your fund, so that your document will be forwarded for payment.


CONGRATULATIONS ONCE MORE!!!!!
 
At your disposal I remain
Mohammed Islam
(Promotional manager)



--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays




--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Re: Hello

From     xxxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>
to         princess4silver@yahoo.com
date     Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 10:06 PM
subject     Re: Hello

Top of the day to the bottom of your heart. You warm the cockles of my heart.
My dear vestige of feudalism, my symbolic monument to the age of serfs and plagues, let us talk of Cabbages and Kings.

I have a lot to tell you, and I am sure my pretty little Princess Buttercup Williams will have a lot to tell me as well.

Let's start off with the days of our births.

I was born on a dark and stormy night. Lightning flashed and thunder roared outside while my mother, the dear Abbess Von Vorglewurst, writhed on bloodsoaked sheets. Nine months earlier she had been raped by Lord Chauncey-Dur-Gambolputty. Now she was giving birth to an enormous baby boy. My head being too large to fit through the opening of the womb, the doctor hit her upon the head with the nearest object, a fattened rooster, and then cut me out of my mother's body using a pair of pliers, his teeth, and a common garden trowel. My poor mother did not survive this, but I survived. Less than two hours later, my rapist-father's voivods burst through the door and killed the midwife and my aunts. They tied me into a burlap sack, strapped me to a horse, and then crushed its testicles. The horse fled, terrified, at top speed into the wind and rain and dark.

By morning I was found hundreds of miles away in the wilderness of Bollockshire, Wales.

How was your birth?


On Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 8:49 PM, princess williams <princessxxxy@att.net> wrote:
Hello my dear,
i am writing to you from the bottom of my heart, i found you to be catchy and i thought it will be wise to let you read from me, i would be very grateful if you would respond to me. I shall send you my pictures the moment i read from you with much pleasure that you are having a very nice and a lovely wonderful day without wasting your precious time will like to end and waiting to read from you. Contact me direct to my email for easy and direct communication take care and be safe.
your best regard
miss princess williams



--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Re: Funds Transfer/Change of ownership

* First Name: Tom
* Surname: Delays
* Middle Name: Stockton
* Country: USA
* Residential Address: 11 Via Vera, Achewood, CA, 90714, USA
* Phone Number: 1-757-484-9987
* Mobile Number: My employer issued it, cannot use outside work
  (for sms alert)
* Occupation: Organ-grinder Accountant
* Age: 36
* Sex: Male
* Next of Kin: Tom Waits, P.h.D., S.o.H.K.
* Scan Copy of your passport or ID : attached is a scan of my Passport, Driver's License, National ID, SIDS, High School Transcript, and a photo of myself on stage at Prague (The last is just so you can put a face to my name. Could you send me a picture of yourself and Mrs. Weston too?) [note: the "scan" is a 6.8MB file in the magical .jpx format]

I have some questions. Do I pay the transfer fees now, or after I have received the online account informations?

I tried to call you before I left the office, but I kept getting "Danny Boy" played on a loop by what sounded like a toddler squeezing a constipated cat. It must be a bank holiday. Do you have a personal number I can call?

I'm concerned about this Andrea Williams. Who is she? Why am I not paying the Royal Bank of Scotland directly? Come to think of it, why am I not wiring you the money? If I'm going to be sending her money, could you have her email me?

Can I go to your Internet web site and pay through there?


On Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 6:56 PM, Mr Frank From Royal Bank <royalbnk741@hotmail.co.uk> wrote:
Welcome to Royal Bank of Scotland
Good Day Tom Delays,
I am Mr Frank Moss from Royal Bank of Scotland, United Kingdom. We today received a mail from Mrs Hilary Weston to transfer her funds with Royal Bank of scotland to your name, presently she's undergoing a surgery operation in canada. Her instructions is to  change the ownership of the funds/account to your name before the Bank can commence transfer of your entitled funds of $5,000.000.00 (Five Million Dollars) to your nominatted bank account.
Furthermore, you are required to send your correct data listed below so I can send it to the Crown court here in the United Kingdom for change of ownership of Mrs Hilary Weston account to your name.
THE BELOW INFORMATION'S ARE REQUIRED:
* First Name:
* Surname:
* Middle Name:
* Country:
* Residential Address:
* Phone Number:
* Mobile Number:
  (for sms alert)
* Occupation:
* Age:
* Sex:
* Next of Kin:
* Scan Copy of your passport or ID
As soon as I can get this information's from you, the Bank attorney will represent you in the Crown Court to sign the neccessary documents needed for the change of ownership, Afterwhich you will be provided with an online account informations for you to transfer the funds yourself online to any Bank account in the world, or we can do a Bank to Bank transfer depending which method of transfer you need.
NOTE: The court fees for the change of ownership and documents have to be paid by you before the changes can be made, because the funds is currently on Mrs Hilary Weston Name and we do not have the right to transfer the funds directly to you without change of ownership.
Payment for the change of ownership $320.43 (Three Hundred and Thirty Dollars) should be sent to the P.R.O of Royal Bank of scotland Via WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER or MONEY GRAM with the information's below.
Receiver's Name: Andrea Williams (JP)
Receiver's Address : PO Box 1000
                     Edinburgh
                     EH12 1HQ
                    united kingdom
Amount(fee) : $320.43
As soon as payment is made, you are to send to this office the scan copy of the payment receipt as given to you by the WESTERN UNION/MONEY GRAM officials. In Absence of scanner, you are to provide us with the following;
(1) SENDERS FULL NAME(S) :
(2) SENDERS ADDRESS/COUNTRY:
(3) MTCN (money transfer control number):
    (written on the western union receipt)
(4) AMOUNT SENT:
Thank you for your Co-operation,
Sincerely,
Mr Frank Moss
Head of Corporate Responsibility
The Royal Bank of Scotland Group
Business House F
Gogarburn
PO Box 1000
Edinburgh
EH12 1HQ
UK
Telephone:
+(44) 702 404 2655
 
______________________________________________________________
© Bank of Scotland plc 2010. The copyright and material on Bank of Scotland's Internet web site is owned by Bank of Scotland plc and protected by the copyright laws of the United Kingdom.



--
There's a few things I never could believe,
Tom Delays

Collaborative Scambaiting at Posterous

I've set up http://419baits.posterous.com

If you've got a bait going on, all you have to do is ask me to make you a contributor, and you can bcc your baits directly to the blog. Posterous, unlike Blogspot, restricts posting access by email address, so an accidental cc will only alert the scammer rather than ruin everything by giving him posting access.

Re: Good day,

Are you sure you have enough gold to meet my needs? I shall need 450kg of 94.5% pure gold dust.

I am actually travelling to Accra next week on business. If you can provide the needed quantities with necessary purity, I will bring along my assayer. I will keep you updated regarding my travel plans.

Waiting your response in hopes of mutual profit and decadent investments,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

2010/10/26 kwame nanas <kwamenanasmail@rediffmail.com>

Good day,

It really an utmost pleasure writing to you.I am Kwame Nana from Ghana.I got
your email after a research from the internet,i went through your profile
and found it really interesting because i believe you are someone i can
collaborate with in my gold business which i wish to expand.

I and my mother are poor gold miners in Ghana.At the present time we have
been able to secure enough gold.Selling the gold here is very cheap as there
are enough gold in Ghana and we are not making enough profit in the
business.It is for this reason that we are in need of a foreign partner who
will assist us in selling this gold outside Ghana so that we would be able
to make more returns from the business.

We will send the gold to you by diplomatic means to your country.On the
other hand,if you would prefer coming over to Ghana,you are highly welcome
because we have enough gold at the moment.If you are willing to partner with
us,kindly send us the information below to the address:
kwamenanasmail@rediffmail.com

1 Your name and address
2 Your phone number

Thanks and God bless,
Kwame Nana.







________________________________________________________________________
This email has been scanned for all viruses by the iMail VirusWall Email
Security System.
For more information on this proactive email security service working around
the clock,
around the globe, visit http://viruswall.aserver.com.hk
________________________________________________________________________



--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Re: Deceased Relative / Client. !

I love your cartoon. My, Dogbert gets me every time!

Yes, I do have a dead relative who lived in Zurich. Old Uncle Culpepper. He was a mighty man, steeped in southern charm and mint julep. Tell me he is not dead! Oh dear.

If it is indeed Uncle Culpepper Smuckles, I assure you I can provide mountains of photographs and such of us taking an iced tea together on the porch, inhaling the cool scent of honeysuckle while the gentle sounds of cottonpickers flow to us in the languid breeze of Louisiana. I also have several of his letters. Would this constitute sufficient proof?

2010/10/27 Mr Adams Scott <info@acerconsultants-uk.com>
From: Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd.

This is a confidential message from ACER Consultants: private consulting firm in London, United Kingdom.

I have been directed to contact you with regards to ongoing investigations involving a deceased client of Royal Bank of Scotland. The client, who shared the same last name with you, died intestate so it is standard and mandatory that a next of kin be sought who may inherit the estate. Kindly clarify the following:

 - Are you aware of any relative of yours whose last known contact address was Zurich, Switzerland, with investments of considerable value with Royal Bank of Scotland?

 - If you answered yes to the above then can you establish beyond reasonable doubt your eligibility to assume status of next of kin to the deceased?

Understand that we are at this point contstained to share more details of this matter with you. We will need to hear from you urgently and hope you can assist us in bringing this inquiry to a conclusion.Please respond to my private email below as soon as possible to afford us the opportunity to close this investigation. Thank you for accommodating our enquiries.

Yours sincerely,
Mr Adams Scott
ACER Consultants Service Ltd
For: Royal Bank of Scotland.
364 Windbridge,London Uk.
Email: mradams_scott@consultant.com
Tel/fax: 00-44-7005-921-477

------------------------------------------------------------------------
This e-mail is confidential and intended solely for the use of the individual(s) to whom it is addressed. If you are not the intended recipient, be advised that you have received this e-mail in error and that any use, dissemination, forwarding, printing, copying of, or any action taken in reliance upon it, is strictly prohibited and may be illegal.




--
Ramses Luther Smuckles
We are, after all, professionals.

Georgina is waiting

From: Georgina Kofi <georginakofi@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 11:04 AM
Subject: Re: please contact the company on my behalf.
To: xxxxxxxx <xxxxxxxxxx@gmail.com>


i am waiting

On 10/27/10, ramses smuckles <rames.smuckles@gmail.com> wrote:
> 1.senders full name: Ramses Luther Smuckles
> 2.text question and answer: Where's the beef? In me
> 3.transaction code which is MTCN: 489625878
> 4.Amont send:$3,300
>
> There. I mistook a five for a three! Ha! I'm such a fucking retard!
>
> Write me back when you get the money, my love. I can't wait to hear from
> you.

Fwd: help the sos children

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: xxxxxxx <xxxxxx@gmail.com>
Date: Wed, Oct 27, 2010 at 10:16 AM
Subject: Re: help the sos children
To: georgepad512 <georgepad512@zoho.com>


I am good, and my children are happy and plump. Thank you for your concern.

Sorry about the delay. I was in East Asia on business, and was far from any electricity, let alone internet access.

You say you have 11 virgin girls, but how many total healthy virgins under the age of 22? Sex is not a factor in our decision to acquire them.

Please tabulate and return back to me the number of healthy virgins you possess. If possible, list their names, ages, how sure you are that they are indeed virgins, and any comments regarding their health you feel necessary. This list is not urgent, however, as we will send a physician out to inspect them personally anyway.

I am pleased you are such a generous man. I hope your family prospers. How is your family?

Oh. Please note that, as I said, our legal department will provide all documentation necessary for the transaction to appear legal. We will cover all costs. You need not worry about appearances.


On Fri, Oct 22, 2010 at 7:33 AM, georgepad512 <georgepad512@zoho.com> wrote:

Dearesr Brother
  how are you doing today and how is the family, i got the mail you sent to me and i want to say is nice hearing from you again.
i would want to know how many virgin kids you need so as to enable me prepare them for you, also you must know that this is africa and these kids  are motherless and fatherless kids.  it will be my delight to inform you that right now we have 11 grown up virgin girls of about 22 yrs of age. i also want to inform you that you will be taking care of their  international passport, ticket and visa funds as over here our mission is to take care of them till they are fully grown up and due for marriage.
in this manner i will be awaiting your responds so as to know what your comment is on this, but i also want to let you know we do not sell kids or use them as a means of making money, in this case it will be seen that we are giving them out for marriage as i will be going to the missionary church that heads all the orphanages homes here to collect a permit paper so as to enable their free movement in the embassy.
do get back to me with your responds.
May the peace of the Lord be with you.

Direct from email postings

I've enabled email posting. I should now be able to simply bcc my responses directly to the blog. I'll have to watch out for odd misformats and gibberish appearing. I may also want to sanitize the posts of email addies prior to publishing.

This gives me an idea. Why not set up a posterous blog in which people can do exactly this? 

Georgina Kofi

I got this on the 21st from a Georgina Kofi (Billy's dear Georgina):
Dear Sir,
I want to thank you for your response, I sincerely appreciate your interest
to assist me in my needs, however I would like to be sure of your
willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with
me, I cannot afford to compromise these virtues because this transaction
highly sensitive, I have my principles which will profit both of us
immediately it arrive your country.

I know you might be wondering where I got your email contact but to be
honest with you, I got your contact email directly on the Internet during my
search for a reliable partner who would be of assistance to act as my
foreign beneficiary of my two consignment boxes in the standard security
company here in my country Ghana, if you read my previous email properly I
have explained  why I need  your assistance for a better investment and my
further education in your country.

I have attachments the two documents,ownership and deposite certificate to
you in other to prove you that this properties belong to me,it is necessary
for me to be sure of the person  to whom I will be entrusting this
transaction, so I need to be convinced that you are a matured person with
some integrity and I will also prove my integrity to you. I will like you to
send me your photo and your contact number for easy communication as i have
attach my photo and my consignment documents to you and plaese contact the
standard security company where my father deposited my properties for the
clearance and shipment to your country.

Here is the company informaions.
Name of the company director:Dr.Anthony Klu
Email:standardsecurityservicegh@gmail.com
Private telephone number:00233548331778

introduce your self as my late father business partner or as my
husband and he will direct
you on how to clear the properties and ship to you thank you.

Hope to read from you soonest.
Best Regards,
Georgina Kofi.
I responded:
Attached you will find my photo [note: photo of Christopher Walken as Max Zorin].

Send me another picture of yourself without a shirt, and I'll give you
my personal home phone number.
She responded:
GOOD EVENINGAND HOW ARE YOU DOING, HOPE EVERY THING IS OK WITH YOU?
PLEASE I WANT TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE WRITE THE COMPANY, SO THAT I WILL BE
DIRECTING YOU ON WHAT TO DO.
PLEASE GET ME BACK AS SOON AS POSIBLE

THANK YOU
GEORGIN KOFI
Wow. Quite excited! I responded:
Now now. Pleasure before business.

I will wire you $3,550 via Western Union the moment you send that
picture. Then our real business can commence.

It's simple. In your next email send me your payment details and the
picture of yourself. I will immediately respond with an email
containing the MTCN for immediate pick up.

Then, after I have seen your breasts and you have held my money, we
can get down to the real business.

I'll be waiting for that picture. I hope you're as eager to get on
with our business as I am.
She replied:
Ok,if you wish here is my receivers informations:

receivers name:(josephine ashong)
after you have send it ,here is the information i will need from you as follows.

1.senders full name:
2.text question and answer:
3.transaction code which is MTCN:
4.Amont send:


This will help me pick up the money without any problem thank you very much.

Regard
Georgina Kofi
I replied:
1.senders full name: Georgina Kofi
2.text question and answer: Where's the beef? In me
3.transaction code which is MTCN: 489623878
4.Amont send:$3,300
This did not please her:
why will you tell me that? Hw can senders name should be my name am i
the one sending the money to you ? why? beside i have track the money
through the number you give me but is not real why?

pls if you real know you send the money, here is the informations i
need from you.

1.senders full name i means the person who send the money name.
2.transction code MTCN NUMBER.
3.what name do you send the money to.
4. test question and answer
5.country of origin, where the money is coming from.

thank you and waiting for you.
I replied:
What? I thought I was giving you correct informations.

Wait a second, I'll check my receipt and get back to you. Maybe I used
another string of numbers or something on the paper.

Sorry about this. I'll make it up to you, my love.
I then followed up with:
1.senders full name: Ramses Luther Smuckles
2.text question and answer: Where's the beef? In me
3.transaction code which is MTCN: 489625878
4.Amont send:$3,300

There. I mistook a five for a three! Ha! I'm such a fucking retard!

Write me back when you get the money, my love. I can't wait to hear from you.
Let's see how she responds.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Older

Monday, October 25, 2010

Ships in the night

I received this from a Billy:
Hello Georgina,

I have received your e-mail requesting help. My name is Billy Ferguson, I am a business man from Scotland. I have read about your terrible plight and I am deeply moved. It is disgusting to hear that your uncles are mistreating you. What can I do to help?

Kind regards,
Billy
I responded:
Do I look like a Georgina, even one who has been cruelly mistreated by nefarious uncles who almost certainly possess eye patches and lecherous pugs?

Sir, you have made a terrible mistake. I demand satisfaction. You and I shall square off at noon tomorrow in Tianenmen Square. Our weapons will be chimpanzees, two black rubber dildos, or the perfectly preserved corpses of both Orson Welles and Jimmy Durante. Your choice.

We shall fight to either the death or the giggles, you perspicacious rapscallion in whose father's face I smear something indescribably foul! 
He responded, to my utter shock:
Woops. I was replying to a mail from a Nigerian scammer. I lifted your mail (seems to have mailed you too) instead of his. I was hoping to waste his time rather than yours though your challenge for a duel sounds entertaining, I'll go with the corpses.
Wow. I responded:
They always do. They always do.

Hey, do you want to bait together? I can be your Inuit brother-husband, Cthulhu-cultist pastor, the lad dolla-chopping you, etc.

If you like, I'll throw some your way. I'm working on a trick I call Accidentally Forwarded Emails. The idea being that you forward the lad's email to another character who then gets somehow involved in the transaction. An exchange develops, and at some point you reply to this second character "accidentally" cc'ing it to the lad. Now there's a fine sub-plot, you double his work-load, double the opportunity for confusion, etc.
Here's hoping to ruin some profits together.

The Alphabet Serial Song

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I won the webmaster lotto!

Proof:

Juliet, Oh Juliet

I got this average refugee-orphan-with-a-ton-of-money scam letter:
Hello,

Thanks for your email and the acceptance to assist me. I want you to help me retrieve the money from the bank where it been deposited by my late father  for investment purpose, the procedure is that you have to contact the them to initiate the process.

Your full name / address: ............................

Identity card/Passport:................................

Age/Marital statue:...................................

Telephone number:......................................

Occupation:............................................

country................................................

As soon as this information are received, I will forward all the information of the bank to establish contact with them to start the process.

Awaiting to hearing from you soonest.

Best regard,
Juliet
I enthusiastically responded:
Your full name / address: ............................Tom D3lays, 11 Via Verde, Achewood, CA, 90714 USA

Identity card/Passport:................................984982424

Age/Marital statue:...................................36 single

Telephone number:......................................1-757-484-9987

Occupation:............................................lounge singer

country................................................USA

religion....................................................satanist

favorite color.............................................ice cream

favorite food.................................................black

dog's name....................................................Fernando Smellybottoms

Mother's name................................................Brucella Christina Donaldson-Higgensworth

Mother's SSN..................................................867-53-0900

Father's fetish....................................................diapers

Baby daddy........................................................NO

Microwave-owner................................................yes

Boss name........................................................Alexander Graham Bellbottoms

Boss's wife's mole................................................inner left thigh

Favorite singer........................................................Ted Bundy

Favorite serial killer...................................................Dick Clark

Least favorite person..................................................muhatma gandhi

Favorite person.......................................................... Marcellus Wallace

looks like a bitch..........................................................NO

Catchphrase................................................................."gosh-darned cunt"

MTCN............................................................................4759128790

Religious Widow response

I sent the following in response to a normal "I'm a religious widow who needs you, a random email address, to distribute millions of dollars toward charities". I haven't gotten a response yet:
 I am a Satanist. I hope this does not affect your decisions.

I simply believe that this world is designed to make humans suffer and
inflict suffering on other humans, in a neverending cat and mouse game
which in even the best of times can be characterized by the sadism of
a young child pouring salt on slugs.

I simply believe with my utmost fiber that every human who has ever
lived ought to have been strangled at birth. This is my faith, and it
has served me well.

I believe there is no God, no good, no decency, no such thing as
Canada. I believe my life is measured only by the number of orphans I
create. I believe Santa Claus is an imaginary pedophile, and I salute
his work ethic.

I believe you will vanish into utter oblivion once you die, and I
would pay good money to have sex with your corpse.

Oh, I also believe that I am just the right man for your job. I am
positively erect with eagerness to distribute your money. Oh, I will
distribute the fuck out of it.

Yours in eternal nothingness and random perturbations of chaos,
Ramses Smuckles

Friday, October 22, 2010

Glory Oneil

I ASEM'd her with a short message: "Going to WU right now. Sending MTCN when I get back."

She responded:
Good morning honey, i am glad to hear from you, please do inform me
immidiately you transfer the money, i hope very soon, i will meet you there
i love you.
Your love, Glory.
I of course had something unforeseen come up:
Your message makes the area between my legs feel tingly.

I'm working on it, my love. Something came up: my daughter announced
that she is now a lesbian, and made me watch hours upon hours of
lesbian pornography starring her in a lead role. I was quite
perturbed, and unable to go to Western Union during the duration of
this marathon.

Yours in hoping he will go blind,
Ramses Luther Smuckles

P.S. Send me a topless pic before I can scratch my eyes out and I may
decide to keep my sense of sight. This is urgent, the Elektra complex
is strong within her!
She replied:
Honey, i am sorry to hear that your daughter is now a lesbian, but it have nothing to do with the money you promised to send yesterday, please try to send the money today, sorry again i don't have another picture at the moments, i promise to send you one when i take a current picture.
I miss you, Glory

George Padmore seems interested

He responded to my explanation with:
Dearesr Brother   how are you doing today and how is the family, i got
the mail you sent to me and i want to say is nice hearing from you
again.  i would want to know how many virgin kids you need so as to
enable me prepare them for you
, also you must know that this is africa
and these kids  are motherless and fatherless kids.  it will be my
delight to inform you that right now we have 11 grown up virgin girls
of about 22 yrs of age.
i also want to inform you that you will be
taking care of their  international passport, ticket and visa funds as
over here our mission is to take care of them till they are fully
grown up and due for marriage.  in this manner i will be awaiting your
responds so as to know what your comment is on this, but i also want
to let you know we do not sell kids or use them as a means of making
money
, in this case it will be seen that we are giving them out for
marriage as i will be going to the missionary church that heads all
the orphanages homes here to collect a permit paper so as to enable
their free movement in the embassy. do get back to me with your
responds. May the peace of the Lord be with you.

George Padmore gets a terrible dilemma

I sent him this explanation:
It is right that you are curious. It would be odd if you weren't.

I need the orphans to help cure HIV.

My people and I cannot legally acquire human test subjects for our
experimental formula. We can, of course, find all the diseased and
alcoholic and drug-addled homeless we want, but these are poor
specimens.

No, we need fresh, young, virginal children. We cannot afford to buy
child test subjects in developed nations, so our only course of action
is to purchase them from developing nations.

The children are indeed cheaper, but too often they have been
malnourished and/or already infected with parasites and other
indigenous infections. Too often we find it impossible to locate a
single orphan who meets our criteria for health.

If you are interested in curing a terrible affliction which is at this
moment raging throughout Africa, please evaluate your orphans for
healthiness. Send me a list of however many you think will be
acceptable, and I will fly my personal doctor out to test them for
both health and virginity. Upon these tests, we will pay you $1,000
for each ectomorphic virgin, $600 for each endomorphic virgin. The
children will be immediately flown to any of our seven labs located
throughout the world.

Unfortunately, neither you nor I can know where they will end up. They
will not be permitted to carry personal articles. Sadly, you will not
be able to communicate with them.

I have been authorized to wire you a generous amount for your
preliminary testing. You may purchase any medical equipment you wish
with the money, and keep it after we have acquired the orphans. We may
be on the way to curing AIDS, but that doesn't mean we can't also make
the lives of a few orphans happier.

Our legal team will get in contact with you regarding the
documentation necessary to display to your superiors and authorities
upon the disappearance of the orphans. Rest assured, we have the
resources to smooth over any red tape that arises.

Ah yes, the orphans will not be harmed. Do not worry about them being
harmed or traumatized. They will each receive puppies and Nike
sneakers at their destination. I have been told these puppies are very
friendly. Do not have nightmares about them being strapped to gurneys
in endless sterile white rooms while robotic arms systematically
dissect them.

Awaiting your eager reply,
Dr. Ramses Luther Smuckles

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Emeril responds

Emeril LeGoinegasque responded to my plea for advice:
 We must be cautious in our dealings with this man. We must please
remember that where hope fades the light it must burn. It must burn
greatly.

I spent hours upon the hours last night uncovering information
regarding this man, and I did prove to myself adequately that he is a
genuine article. He can be trusted to an end.

I do not think he could understand the enormity of Project Dandelion.
The days they are there when I can not understand Project Dandelion.
Let him know about Project Buttered Ham. If he does shriek and spit on
us about Buttered Ham, we will know he never could join us in
Dandelion.

I do see that I gave my $500,000 to the right person. I did wire you
an extra $500,000. Your funds for this project are now numbered at the
$1 million. Do what you can to get this man on our side. And please
get those orphans. It is essential to the future lest things be ashes
in our mouthes.

I did tell T. about your culinary misadventure, he stated that perhaps
it was the mussels you had eaten before coming over. He did say the
establishment in which you purchased yonder mussels was named "Bob's
Shellfish Shack" and that such places cannot be considered safe.
Good man, Emeril.  I responded to him, "accidentally" cc'ing it to George Padmore:
Thanks, boss.

I'll explain as much of Buttered Ham as I think he can stand. If his
orphanage has, say, 20 orphans, we may be able to acquire them for
only $12,000. This is supposing they are simply virginal.

I've got a suggestion. It may be more expensive, but we can afford it.
And, as you said, the money is in my discretion. Let's pay $1,000 for
orphans that are not only virginal, but obese. Yes, that means we will
have to pay him $20,000 for 20 orphans. But I believe this is
essential to Buttered Ham and obviously critical to Dandelion.

As of yet, I don't know how many orphans he has, or in what condition.
We can afford up to $1,000,000 or 1000 orphans in virginal/obese
condition.

I'll contact him ASAP to find out what he can provide us.

Oh: tell T. that I spent good money on those mussels and there's no
way in hell that a fancy $4 mussel plate will be prepared using shit
ingredients. I'm still shitting a river here. Do you think I should
sue them? We may be talking a few million. I'm mentally traumatized by
the image of geysering shit out my asshole.

P.S. We can't let him tweak on us. We need those orphans immediately.
I'm going to arrange to wire $50,000 to him just to get him on our
side for the rest of the transaction. Don't know when he'll get back
to me with payment details, or whether he will even agree.

Two views of George Padmore

So George Padmore, our friendly orphan merchant, has responded.

I forwarded his last email in which he questioned the purpose of my buying his orphans, to my dear friend Emeril LeGoinegasque, with the following plea:
He wants to know what we're using the orphans for.

What do we tell him? Could he handle the terrible truth?

Get back to me ASAP. You gave me $500,000 and damned if the
opportunity didn't immediately present itself. How else will we get
orphans this quickly, man?!

Tell T. I said to cook the chicken better next time. I've got squirts
so bad I'm shitting kittens.
All well and good.  I should hear back from Emeril soon.

At the same time, Padmore emailed one of my accounts in which I'm straightbaiting him. He responded to my initial expression of interest and concern with:

Hello Dearest Friend of God, as i the Chair man Head of Department Nigeria Orphanage Association In person of  Dr.Mr Padmore Geroge from the United Kingdom but currently in Nigeria for the development of the youth empowerment fora better living.
This center is home to 800 children aged  0 to 15 as at last month, just this week we have 4 children that was brought to us by one of the Anglican church missionaries, according to them they found them in a desolated area where refused and rubbish are thrown 19 children needs special attention as they are thru with their secondary education and will be engaging in the universities, this will be needing a financial back up which i think your support and mine will be needed so as to enable them achieve their goal in life and to put some smiles on the faces of Lord Jesus Christ who has called us to these great mission.
OUR VISION TO THE TASK GOD HAS GIVEN US
Orphan's Hope is 100% dedicated to
the compelling needs of Orphans in poverty and transforming their lives. While we provide relief for urgent
needs, Orphan's Hope is committed to bringing lasting solutions that care for
the children's physical, educational,
and spiritual needs, in a way that gives them hope and a future. We are
currently focused on helping orphans
In The Future expansion for Africa as we
Need funds to help aids orphans.
Orphan's Hope mobilizing people in the compelling opportunities that transform struggling children's lives. Orphan's Hope has partners in
countries like  Singapore, Australia, New Zealand, Netherlands, and the United Kingdom. From wherever you visit this site you can see immediate
and compelling needs and personally make a difference by donating online.
Most people can't name an organization totally dedicated to Orphans.
Orphan's Hope is, and we hope you will join us in transforming lives.
Most Urgent Needs:
    * 30 Antibacterial Lamps
    * 30 Kettles to boil water
    * Refrigerator
    * Generator
    *
    
General Needs:
    * Computer & Printer
    * TV
    * Car & Ambulance
    * Small electric pan (one per group)
Our buildings is overall old and in a state of disrepair. The steps leading into buildings were falling apart, and the each buildings interior was in desperate need of an overhaul. The trails connecting the buildings were a no go for strollers, they didn’t appear to have any. One bright note, however, the playground equipment was in pretty decent shape.
Some of our babies with birth defects/illnesses and one if our little girl is having pigeon toes (There is need for surgery but our branch office is planing to give us 30% of the surgery money but she had braces on).some of our babies really need proper treatment.
we will be looking forwaard tto read or hear from you.
stay blessed and have a blissful day


Attached were several photos of the expected decrepit and unhealthy orphans being miserable in a run down institution.

I hope you can see what I'm planning. Padmore doubtless has a ton of pictures of starving and diseased children he can use to pull on heart strings without any effort at all. I want him to work for his scam. From my orphan-buying account I will ask him to send me pictures of healthy orphans, as I will pay more for them. Therefore his gallery of suffering won't get as much money out of me. No, he will have to exert the effort to go to Google and find pictures of fat and happy Nigerian children.

These pictures I will be skeptical about. I will make him send me pictures of healthy children holding drawings they made of things I specify. Things like "two lions fighting a T-Rex" or "a T-Rex wearing a djellaba" etc.

He'll delay, of course. But eventually I'll get him to scrounge up money to pay for these photos to be taken. It'll be worth it in the end, as far as he knows. And I'll have some fancy child-drawn artwork trophies.

Simultaneously, my straightbaiting account will be pushing him for as much samples of suffering as possible. He will want to send his entire gallery. And I will also be skeptical about these pictures. "These kids could be starving anywhere. Please, I need proof they are in an orphanage!" This straightbait will push him to send me pictures of children doing a live action version of the Lion King for me.

On the one hand, impossibly fat and happy children holding up awesome drawings of T-Rex. On the other, extremely thin children wearing lion costumes and trying to portray the Machiavellian intrigues of Scar.

Roberta Crane needs my help

I received this from one Roberta Crane:
Beloved in Christ
Greetings in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, I am Mrs. Roberta
Crane an American woman living in Ghana for charity organization.I'm
69 years old widow & a new Christian convert, suffering from long time
cancer in the blood (Leukemia According to my doctor,  my condition is
critical bad and I might not survive.

Although as a Christian, I believe God and I know that I will not die,
but will live to declare the glory of God upon  my life as my bible
says in the book of pslam 118:17. My late husband.Mr Gilbert Crane and
my only son were murdered years back, take a look. Our Lord Jesus
Christ is my only comforter.
I have the sum of Eleven million, One hundred thousand US Dollars
($11.1m) the fund is presently deposited with a financial company for
security reasons and all the documents concerning the fund are in the
custody of my Pastor.

I inherited the money from my late husband who was an industrialist
and international businessman. I have prayed concerning this donation
for God's guidance and if in your heart you genuinely and faithfully
desire-to use this fund for the propagation of God's work in any where
whether for charity, ministry, evangelical work or otherwise in
relation to God's work, do get in -touch with my pastor for further
arrangements on how you will receive my Charity donation.

Here is my pastor infomations:
Name: Pastor Samuel Mensha
Private telephone number:00233541922357
Fax number:77782376
Email Address:pastorsamuelmensha@gmail.com
Address:No 4 SS peters and paul Avenu Accra Ghana.

He will assist you and ensure you receive the funds into your
destination account.
God bless you once again and as you receive, give and give God all the Glory.

Remain blessed in the Lord
Yours in Christ
Mrs. Roberta Crane
I responded, upping the religious ante:
Blessed is the Lord of All Things, Great and Small, Skinny and Fat,
Alive and Dead, Animal or Vegetable, Paper and Plastic. The LORD told
me He would give me good Christian news and the LORD provided. The
LORD works in mysterious LORDLY ways and all good things come to the
GODFEARING children who WAIT.

The SAINTED name of the LORD OUR SAVIOUR JESUS H CHRIST MAY HIS NAME
NEVER BE FORGOTTEN AS HE DIED ON THE CROSS TO ABSOLVE US OF ALL SIN AS
WE ALL KNOW has upon this fgodly day blessed me with the GODLY
Christian email you have sent me on this GODLY day of the LORD. This
is a blessed sign from the LORD JESUS H CHRIST WHOSE WOUNDS BLEED
FORGIVENESS LIKE A MENSTRUATING WOMAN BLEEDS ANGER that you and I will
have a profitable and CHRISTIAN transaction.

Eagerly Awaiting your Response as I pray to the Lord God ALL THINGS
EVEN MONKEYS that you are in the eyes of the LORD healthy in the body
and mind that the LORD gave you when the LORD decided to create you in
HIS inestimable wisdom just as LORD does,

Professor Ramses Luther Smuckles

P.S. The LORD is good. I love the LORD.
The upright Mrs. Crane responded very happily:
How are you doing my dear beloved one.
i am also very happy to know that poeple like you still exist.
i have worked under charity organizations for years and now that i am
very ill and dont know if i will survive it.
i need to hand over this donation to anybody who have the heart of God
to continue this work as usual.

i might not be able to go on system all times because of my present
condition now.so i will like you to contact my pastor for the clearing
of the fund
from the security company here in ghana and ship to your destination.

here is my pastor's contact:+233541922357
email:pastorsamuelmensha@gmail.com

Thank you once agian my dear beloved
May the good God richly bless you and your family

Best Regards,
Roberta crane
I forwarded this message to my close friend, Rev. Emeril LeGoinegasque, with the following plea for help:
My dear Reverend, this poor soul needs our help.

Could you please pray to the ALMIGHTY LORD for her health, and check
to see if your parishioners will put forth their money to help her
overcome any difficulties?

Your faithful brother-husband in Christ the Lord,
Ramses Luther Smuckles