Friday, October 22, 2010

George Padmore gets a terrible dilemma

I sent him this explanation:
It is right that you are curious. It would be odd if you weren't.

I need the orphans to help cure HIV.

My people and I cannot legally acquire human test subjects for our
experimental formula. We can, of course, find all the diseased and
alcoholic and drug-addled homeless we want, but these are poor
specimens.

No, we need fresh, young, virginal children. We cannot afford to buy
child test subjects in developed nations, so our only course of action
is to purchase them from developing nations.

The children are indeed cheaper, but too often they have been
malnourished and/or already infected with parasites and other
indigenous infections. Too often we find it impossible to locate a
single orphan who meets our criteria for health.

If you are interested in curing a terrible affliction which is at this
moment raging throughout Africa, please evaluate your orphans for
healthiness. Send me a list of however many you think will be
acceptable, and I will fly my personal doctor out to test them for
both health and virginity. Upon these tests, we will pay you $1,000
for each ectomorphic virgin, $600 for each endomorphic virgin. The
children will be immediately flown to any of our seven labs located
throughout the world.

Unfortunately, neither you nor I can know where they will end up. They
will not be permitted to carry personal articles. Sadly, you will not
be able to communicate with them.

I have been authorized to wire you a generous amount for your
preliminary testing. You may purchase any medical equipment you wish
with the money, and keep it after we have acquired the orphans. We may
be on the way to curing AIDS, but that doesn't mean we can't also make
the lives of a few orphans happier.

Our legal team will get in contact with you regarding the
documentation necessary to display to your superiors and authorities
upon the disappearance of the orphans. Rest assured, we have the
resources to smooth over any red tape that arises.

Ah yes, the orphans will not be harmed. Do not worry about them being
harmed or traumatized. They will each receive puppies and Nike
sneakers at their destination. I have been told these puppies are very
friendly. Do not have nightmares about them being strapped to gurneys
in endless sterile white rooms while robotic arms systematically
dissect them.

Awaiting your eager reply,
Dr. Ramses Luther Smuckles

No comments:

Post a Comment