Sunday, October 24, 2010

Religious Widow response

I sent the following in response to a normal "I'm a religious widow who needs you, a random email address, to distribute millions of dollars toward charities". I haven't gotten a response yet:
 I am a Satanist. I hope this does not affect your decisions.

I simply believe that this world is designed to make humans suffer and
inflict suffering on other humans, in a neverending cat and mouse game
which in even the best of times can be characterized by the sadism of
a young child pouring salt on slugs.

I simply believe with my utmost fiber that every human who has ever
lived ought to have been strangled at birth. This is my faith, and it
has served me well.

I believe there is no God, no good, no decency, no such thing as
Canada. I believe my life is measured only by the number of orphans I
create. I believe Santa Claus is an imaginary pedophile, and I salute
his work ethic.

I believe you will vanish into utter oblivion once you die, and I
would pay good money to have sex with your corpse.

Oh, I also believe that I am just the right man for your job. I am
positively erect with eagerness to distribute your money. Oh, I will
distribute the fuck out of it.

Yours in eternal nothingness and random perturbations of chaos,
Ramses Smuckles

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